MDr. March
You donate a few million, and you think you own the place. I understand I'm to analyse something for you?
Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney, and I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.
MDr. March
And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won't survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They're survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!
KLDr. Kirk Langstrom
[enters laboratory upon hearing noises] Who's back there? [Spots Batman] You...!
I'm looking for Dr. March.
Langstrom He's not here, Batman.
LLangstrom
Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution. He's really quite brilliant.
He's misguided, and a thief. [holds up a vial of the serum]
LLangstrom
He's just a theorist, he was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but... it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process! [voice lowering] It's in ME, Batman! [laughs maniacally and begins to change into Man-Bat]
[the Arkham Asylum inmates practice signing Jingle Bells as other inmates set up a giant Christmas tree]
Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! [gets a tree-topper and climbs to install it] The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [attaches the ornament and the Christmas Tree ignites, revealed as a rocket. Joker clambers at it launches] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]
[At the Christmas with the Joker show]
Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.
And since I don't have one of my own...
And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?
[watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.
Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]
You diseased maniac! I'll- [Joker gags him again]
Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]
SGSummer Gleason
Help! Somebody please help us- [Joker gags her again]
Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]
When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your- [Joker gags him again]
I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... [points to clock showing 10:30PM] if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]
[Bruce is introduced to Dr. Long]
LDr. Long
Your father and I attended university together. He had big plans for you.
Well, I guess he'd be pleased. Wayne Industries is more prosperous than ever.
LDr. Long
Pleased? When your father was alive, Wayne was a name that commanded great respect. Now all Wayne stands for is a self-centered jet-setting playboy. It's lucky your father didn't live to see what you've done to his good name. He'd have died of shame.
[Batman has been exposed to Scarecrow's fear toxin]
TWThomas Wayne
You are a disgrace! [turns into the Grim Reaper]
No... You are NOT my father. I am NOT a disgrace! I am vengeance, I am the night, I AM BATMAN!
Justice WILL be served, Joker.
Service with a smile? [He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it.]
Clean up your act, Joker.
Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!
Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I asked her to marry me.
Yup, that's the page one headline. Hey... is it starting to get warm?
You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week.
And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's hot in here...
Marriage is a major step, Harvs. Don't you think you're rushing it?
No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, her love hit me right in the face. [collapses]
[laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. Harv? Harvey! [Later sees Harvey carried into an ambulance and climbs inside] Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.
[chuckles] Batman. A late night rendezvous? To what do I owe the honor?
[struggling against Ivy's giant flytrap] Harvey Dent!
Oh, the poor district attorney. I hear he's not expected to live. Oh, it's so sad... [feigns crying, which quickly turns to laughter]
Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.
Why, murder, of course. Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers. The blood of those flowers are on his hands. So his fate was sealed [applies lipstick] ...with a kiss. And now, so is yours. [Ivy's plant holds Batman still as she kisses him; he tries to spit away the poison] Oh, what's wrong? Afraid I have cooties? [laughs] Oh, now you've gone and hurt my feelings. Too bad. I was going to share the antidote with you. Lovely fragrance, don't you think? I call it "Rose From the Dead".
[clapping] Bravo. Bravo. You've caused me great distress, you evil bat, yes, yes, yes, you have. You've hurt my pretty pets, and you've frightened my beloved children.
Yes. I feed them, I clothe them, I discipline them, and I teach them a trade. And now, I will teach you something!
[He stamps on Batman's hands, but Batman swings under the pipe and kicks him from behind, causing him to fall off]
[He falls into the water, where the alligators close in and seemingly devour him]
A gruesome fate for a gruesome man.
[He hears the Sewer King laughing, and sees him with the alligators, unharmed]
I rather enjoyed it! I told you, they're my pretties! [pets one, laughing] Have a nice swim!
[Batman swings over to chase him, narrowly missing the alligators' jaws]
