Joker quotes from Batman: The Animated Series

Joker

Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! [gets a tree-topper and climbs to install it] The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [attaches the ornament and the Christmas Tree ignites, revealed as a rocket. Joker clambers at it launches] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

Joker

You're right, Harley. Fish are disgusting. I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle. Joker Burgers! Ha! Talk about a Happy Meal!

Joker

[after hitting Batman with a big wrench] Meanwhile, back at the "wrench"...! Since my sidesplitters don't tickle you, how 'bout a skull-splitter?!

Joker

Dear friends... today is the day the Clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that. Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face. Or an exploding whoopie-cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile. But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly insignificant gonif who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him. This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats! But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man THERE and slap him in that box THERE and roll him into that vat of acid THERE! Well that was fun...who's for Chinese?

Joker

Well done, counsellor. You've proven that Batman didn't create us - that we, in fact, messed up our own rotten lives! And as we are so rotten, vile and depraved... we're going to waste you anyway!

Joker

A-bi-a-bi-a-bi, that's all, folks! [bangs down a rubber chicken] Let's mambo!

Joker

Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Yea!

Joker

And since I don't have one of my own...

Aww...

Joker

I decided to STEAL one!

Yea!

Joker

And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman

[watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker

Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon

You diseased maniac! I'll- [Joker gags him again]

Joker

Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Help! Somebody please help us- [Joker gags her again]

Joker

Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock

When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your- [Joker gags him again]

Joker

I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... [points to clock showing 10:30PM] if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

Summer Gleeson

I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gone stark, raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fools' Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker

The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

Batman

Justice WILL be served, Joker.

Joker

Service with a smile? [He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it.]

Batman

Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker

Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Joker

[tosses two pennies on the ground] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

Charlie

Listen.... I... O'm sorry, really! I.... I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...

Joker

Now look, my rude friend! We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]

Charlie

Please don't! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! Anything!

Joker

Anything, says you? Okee-dokee! Wallet.

Charlie

Uh, okay. I don't have much cash.

Joker

Oh, please! Don't insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy. Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charlie

Okay. What?

Joker

I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good? Great! I'll be in touch. [walks away laughing]

Charlie

Hello?

Joker

Hello, Charlie.

Charlie

Wrong number, pal. My name is Don.

Joker

Oh, no, no, no. This IS the right number, Charles Michael Collins. Oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal. [to Harley Quinn] Leave the sideburns.

Charlie

Uh... how did you find me?

Joker

Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my... HOBBY!! [laughs] Now, listen up, Charlie Brown. You're booked on the next flight to Gotham. Tell the family you have to visit a sick friend. Oh, and let's keep this to ourselves, 'kay? Bad things happen to people who gossip, capisce, Carlo? [Charlie looks out the window to see Joker's henchmen pull up to his house]

Charlie

Yeah...

Joker

Good! See ya!

Joker

You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!

Charlie

You're not getting caught. Not this time. I found this blown out of the van. [He pulls one of the Joker's bombs from his jacket] This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes, no grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley, alongside a "miserable little nobody". [chuckles] Kinda funny. Ironic, really. See? I can destroy a man's dreams too! And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?!

Joker

Look, Charlie, you've had a busy day! All this running around, all this excitement with...BATMAN! Stop! You... you're crazy!

Charlie

I had a good teacher! [chuckles] Say goodnight, Gracie!

Joker

NO! BATMAN! BATMAN! [sees Batman in the shadows, and gasps] How long have you been there?!

Batman

Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.

Charlie

You know he'll just escape again! This is the only way my family stays safe!

Joker

All right, you win! Take it easy! [gives his notebook to Batman] Here's everything on his blasted family - names, addresses, it's all there! You're no fun anymore, Charlie.

Charlie

Hey, Joker! [throws the bomb at the Joker, who hides behind Batman - only for the "bomb" to release harmless confetti] Gotcha!

Joker

Oh, very funny. A million laughs.

Batman

Go home, Mr. Collins.

Charlie

Home. I never thought that could sound so good. I wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner. Right now, anything would taste great. Even meatloaf.

Harley Quinn

Ah-ah-ah-ahem. Look alive, wage slaves. Presenting that caliph of clowns, that mogul of mountebanks, the one and only Joker.

Great Scott!

Joker

Actually, I'm Irish. Good morning, Mister, err, [looks at his desk's name plate] Francis. Please allow me to introduce my associates. Miss Quinn.

Harley Quinn

Enchante.

Joker

And Messrs, uh... oh, their names escape me for the moment. No matter! We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.

A... Arrangements?

Joker

[drops a Joker Fish onto his desk] For my fish, of course. This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design. So don't speak to me again, 'kay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about?

Err... your fish?

Joker

[smacks him with the fish] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!

Harley

[sniffs Francis] Ooh, fish stink-a-roony. [sprays him with a substance from a perfume bottle, making him cough] All better.

Joker

As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bares my famous and frankly fabulous face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. [one of his thugs pours out a pile of products] Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, fifty cents for sardines - millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle. So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.

No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource.

Joker

But they share my unique face. Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches.

I can't help it, it's the law.

Joker

Oh! Trying to cheat the Joker, are ya? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh. You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all! [leaves laughing, with his thugs following]

Harley

[blows Francis a kiss as she follows] Buh-bye.

He's crazy.

Batman

[corners the Joker on the edge of the roof] There's no place left to go, Joker.

Joker

[blows up a rubber ducky life reserver] See, Batsy? I think of everything!

Two-Face

$500,000

Penguin

Poof. Chicken feed. I'll bet a million.

Two-Face

TWO Million.

I have two million. Do I hear three?

Joker

Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT!

Two-Face

Get outta my face, clown.

Joker

Which one?

Penguin

Gentlemen, it behooves us not to fight amongst ourselves.

Joker

Well put, sardine breath. I think we should pool our resources on this. $51,240,685. [gets out a little coin purse, and pours out some coins] And uh, 53 cents.

Sold!

Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face

That's absurd. I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England.

Joker

And people say I'M crazy.