Harley Quinn quotes from Batman: The Animated Series

Harley

I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over and blow me up! I didn't even get to keep my new dress - I ACTUALLY PAID FOR IT!

Harley Quinn

Ah-ah-ah-ahem. Look alive, wage slaves. Presenting that caliph of clowns, that mogul of mountebanks, the one and only Joker.

Great Scott!

Joker

Actually, I'm Irish. Good morning, Mister, err, [looks at his desk's name plate] Francis. Please allow me to introduce my associates. Miss Quinn.

Harley Quinn

Enchante.

Joker

And Messrs, uh... oh, their names escape me for the moment. No matter! We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.

A... Arrangements?

Joker

[drops a Joker Fish onto his desk] For my fish, of course. This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design. So don't speak to me again, 'kay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about?

Err... your fish?

Joker

[smacks him with the fish] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!

Harley

[sniffs Francis] Ooh, fish stink-a-roony. [sprays him with a substance from a perfume bottle, making him cough] All better.

Joker

As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bares my famous and frankly fabulous face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. [one of his thugs pours out a pile of products] Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, fifty cents for sardines - millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle. So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.

No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource.

Joker

But they share my unique face. Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches.

I can't help it, it's the law.

Joker

Oh! Trying to cheat the Joker, are ya? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh. You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all! [leaves laughing, with his thugs following]

Harley

[blows Francis a kiss as she follows] Buh-bye.

He's crazy.

Harley

[sniffs] Oh, my poor, poor puddin'.

Bullock

Come on, he was a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac.

Harley

Yeah... I'm really gonna miss him.

Do you think he's gone for good?

Batman

Believe me, Jim, I wish it were true. But deep inside, I doubt it.

Joker

You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sid. No body. No BATUS DELECTI so to speak. We need to pull a job tonight just to make sure.

Make sure what, boss?

Joker

Why that old Batsy's bought the cave of course, and one more thing Murphy...don't ask stupid questions. [pushes Murphy to the hyenas who scratch and lick him]

Harley Quinn

I'll get the mop.

Joker

NO, we didn't get the diamond! The Dork Knight showed up before we even got to the museum! I had a great shot at him, too. Except... my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun!

Harley Quinn

But puddin', it was kinda funny watching you shoot at him with the bang flag! [Rocco and Henshaw can't help laughing then stifle it as the Joker glares at them]

Joker

[turning back to Harley] Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny?

Harley Quinn

[Poison Ivy trips the alarm, spoiling and hers and Harley Quinn's separate robberies] Nice going, butterfingers. Why not turn on the Bat-Signal while you're at it?

Poison Ivy

I wasn't TRYING to get caught!

Harley Quinn

Could've fooled me. Hey, aren't you that plant lady Poison Oakie?

Poison Ivy

Ivy! Poison IVY, not Oakie!

Harley Quinn

Sorry! Harley Quinn, please to meet ya!

Harley Quinn

I hate shots! I hate shots!

Poison Ivy

Now, now. You're not immune to poison like I am, and you won't last ten minutes here in Toxic Acres without my antidote. [gives the injection]

Harley Quinn

Oooh! Whew, you'd think after livin' with Mr. J, I'd be used to a little pain.

Poison Ivy

Why do you put up with that clown?

Harley Quinn

Don't get me wrong. My puddin's a little rough sometimes, but he loves me, really.

Poison Ivy

[sarcastically] Sure he does. You're just one big, forgiving doormat, aren't you?

Harley Quinn

I am NOT a doormat! ...Am I?

Poison Ivy

If you had a middle name, it would be Welcome. But cheer up, kid. You just need some lessons in good old female self-esteem. In other words, let's play with the boys on our terms.

Poison Ivy

That should keep you big strong men busy while we weak little girls loot your trophy room.

Harley Quinn

Gee, Ives, you got style.

Harley Quinn

[sighs] No offense, Ives, but I'm not very hungry. Somehow I don't feel like my old perky self. Something's missing.

Poison Ivy

[slams her form on Harley's plate] Will you stop?! I can't believe you're still mooning over that psychotic creep!

Harley Quinn

Well, maybe I'd feel better if I knew he missed me, too.

Harley Quinn

[to Poison Ivy] I remember when I would go driving like this with Mr. J.

Poison Ivy

[imitating Harley Quinn] "Mr. J, Mr. J." Oh, change the record, Harl. You wanna be some wacko's victim the rest of your life?

Scarface

Court is now in session! The Good People of Arkham Asylum vs. the Self-Righteous Vigilante Called Batman! Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.

Mad Hatter

Hang him!

Harley

Shoot him!

Killer Croc

Hit him with a rock!

Scarface

And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

Joker

GUILTY!

Janet Van Dorn

I was promised a chance to defend my client!

Joker

Oh, very well. Like it'll make a difference.

Harley

[in handcuffs] I sense a lack of trust.

Robin

Are you sure you don't need help keeping Zippy under control?

Batman

I'm fine. Besides, I need you to be ready if Gordon's men get any leads. I'll signal if there's trouble.

Robin

You got it.

Harley

I wanna listen to the radio. [reaches for the controls]

Batman

DON'T--!

Harley

Oops.

Batman

Listen, and listen good. You don't touch anything, say anything, or DO ANYTHING UNLESS I TELL YOU! GOT IT?!

Harley

Yes, sir.

Batman

So far, Joker hasn't been seen in any of his old hideouts. I want you to show me the last place he used when he escaped.

Harley

Okay.

Robin

It's lucky you were here, Quinn. The countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up.

Joker

Quiet, brat.

Harley

You were gonna come for me, weren't you, Puddin'?

Joker

Of course, pumpkin-pie. It's just that... well, here you are, so I can, err, save myself the trip.

Harley

But what about all our friends, Ivy and Two-Face and... Hat-Guy and Lizard-Man and Puppet-Head and-

Joker

What about them?

Batman

Don't forget your little pets.

Harley

[gasps] The babies! We can't leave the babies!

Joker

I'll buy you a goldfish. Let's go.

Harley

No!

Joker

Why, you little-

Harley

[points the gun against Joker] Freeze, clown!

Batman

Quinn, stop!

Harley

He's mine, Bats!

Joker

You wouldn't dare. You don't have the guts. Not in a million years would you--

Joker

Baby, you're the greatest.

You've made wonderful progress, Harley. You've passed your competency hearing, and tomorrow, you will be released, mentally sane and sound.

Harley

Wheee! Wahoo! Whoopee! Yay! Yay! Yay! Uh... I mean thank you, Dr. Leland.

That's ok. You have every reason to be proud of yourself.

Scarecrow

[offscreen] Unhand me!

I just wish the other inmates could make your sort of progress.

Scarecrow

I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! Cower before me in witless terror!

Harley

Hi, Professor Crane!

Scarecrow

Good evening, child. [To Batman and Robin] Worship me, you fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear!

Robin

I think he's getting better.