Abby quotes from Back at the Barnyard

Pigster, snack-tify us!

You got it! Who wants tater tinys? [a floating spatula smacks him all over his body] Ow, ooh, ow, ouch! You know, you could just say "no".

What? What are you talking about?

[The lights flicker, making the animals gasp.]

Um, that can easily be explained.

[The TV flickers, a toaster pops up toast, and a drinking bird rocks.]

That is somewhat less explainable.

[A ghastly shriek is heard.]

And that defies all known logic and reason. Welp, I'm off to Tibet. Good luck with everything!

Abby

Otis, I'm scared!

[climbs on Otis] Me too!

This has all the earmarks of a haunting. Otis, did anything weird happen while you were building your fun shack?

Weird? No. No, it was really easy, actually, after I removed this big, flat rock. [holds up said rock]

"Here Lies Winky". Otis, this is a tombstone!

[terrified] A tombstone?! Otis, you woke up a g-g-g-g-g-- [Peck slaps him on the back] apparition!

Oh, that means ghost!

[Everyone clamors in panic.]

Guys, guys, relax! There is no such things as ghosts.

[The tombstone floats out of Otis' hands and beats Otis on the head with itself.]

You were saying?

I'm guessing we have a ghost here. But I'm sure he is way more afraid of us than we are of him. [the tombstone hits him again]

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[looks at the watch] It's almost 10. Krebs will be here any minute.

And I'm so ready! [the others cheer] Yeah, I got my bags all packed and my flight leaves in two hours.

Krebs

[voiceover] Yo, Beef Boy.

Ahh, too late! Hide me!

[As Otis hides behind Abby, Krebs approaches closer and his shadow becomes small revealing that he is actually a duck. Krebs quacks. The other animals are confused]

Abby

Hang on a minute. Where's Krebs?

What do you mean "where's Krebs"? He's standing right there.

Right where?

There!

You mean, uh, behind the duck?

GGoat

Otis? No, I haven't seen him.

No, not behind the duck, Krebs is the duck!

[The others look at Otis, gaze at Krebs for a moment, then laugh]

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Abby

I'm warning you, duck, I wrassled gators one summer on an internship. [spits in her hands]

Krebs

Look, all I want is...

[Abby does a ululating war cry, causing Krebs to become enraged again. He screams in a similar fashion before attacking Abby]

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[After Otis loses the saloon to Chubs Malone.]

Abby

Otis, how could you?!

Yeah, you really broke the needle on the moron meter this time!

[The animals all berate Otis at once.]

You lost the saloon!

Guys, come on, please. There's no need to turn into an angry mob. Let's just line up one at a time and pummel Otis in an orderly fashion.

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[Mrs. Beady's campaign video.]

AAnnouncer

Ned Bovine has nice hair, and can break boards with his head. But did you know that he wants talking barnyard animals to raise your children? Nora Beady will put an end to the talking animal menace once and for all. Her secret police will lock them in circus cages and send them back to Monster Island where they belong.

BMrs. Beady

I'm Nora Beady, and I'll get tough with talking animals. And I'll make you fudge!

Lies! All lies!

Dude, you need to take this fight into the gutter!

Abby

Don't do it, Otis. Don't sink to her level.

Don't worry, Abby. I won't. I'm going to go even lower!

That's my cow!

[Otis/Ned Bovine's campaign video.]

Nora Beady, your crazy eyes and ridiculous hair is not what the voters need. Why is it you can't understand this? Well, maybe it's because... YOU'RE NOT OF THIS EARTH! That's right. Nora Beady is an alien spawn from the volcanic netherworld of Planet Zorn, with mind-control fudge to harvest your precious human organs. It's time you tell the truth, Nora, or should I say... Mobile Flesh Unit Zelgrab X81?!

Paid for by the committee to crush Mrs. Beady like the alien spawn she is.

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[doing stand-up comedy] So the platypus says, "At these prices, you won't get many more!"

[The others laugh.]

Boy, these earplugs are great! I can't hear a word he's saying.

What?!

[louder] I said, these earplugs are great!

No, I won't date your grandmother!

Abby

What?

I won't date Pig's grandma!

Abby

Thanks, I'm using a new shampoo!

What?!

I also enjoy monkeys!

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Abby

Otis, does Pig seem to be acting odd to you?

Pig, odd? What are you talking about?

Butter churn, I can no longer resist your charms. Hold me.

Abby, what Pig and the butter churn have is beautiful, and I won't let you destroy it. [Pig kisses the butter churn] Okay, now it's getting weird.

Duke

Hey, Pig. You feelin' alright?

[suddenly angry] WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, HUH?! No one talks to me like that! [Duke screams] Oh, it's over, Rover!

[Duke runs screaming with Pig on top of his head.]

"ANGRY?!" YOU BET I'M ANGRY! I AM SO ANGRY!

Duke

Help! He's off his nut!

[dismounts Duke and hugs him sadly] Oh, Duke! I'm so lonely... [strangles Duke] NOW, I'M ANGRY AGAIN! VERY, VERY ANGRY!

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AArchie

[a clam] Psst. Cow dressed as a lady.

Abby

What? Who said that? I'm not a cow, uh, I'm a typical human female.

AArchie

Please, I know a fellow human animal when I see one. You gotta help me. My life's in terrible danger.

Abby

But I thought everything here was made out of shclam, a delicious clam substitute.

AArchie

It's a lie. Shclam... IS CLAM!

[Abby gasps.]

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Can't stand liver, won't eat ham, look out, stomach, here comes the shclam!

Abby

DON'T EAT THOSE!

[The other animals scream, startled by Abby.]

Why are you yelling?!

Abby

Fellas, do you know why shclam looks and tastes like real clam?

A miracle of modern chemistry?

They zap it with a clam ray?

They make it with love?

Abby

No! It's because shclam is clam! Look! [shows them Archie]

AArchie

What she said.

[The other animals gasp and yell in horror.]

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[The barn is filled with clams.]

Abby

Otis, what are we gonna do?!

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the fun!

Otis, what are you talking about?!

Abby

Yeah, we got a situation here!

No, you have a situation, because for once, something is your fault! [laughs] Oh, that's rich! There was one clam before, but now there's a lot of 'em. Oh, there's gonna be more! And when the farmer gets back, he's gonna be all, "What are these clams doin' here?! I'll bet it was that she-cow's fault!" Oh, Abby, how will you get out of this one?

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[about the sign in front of the Farmer's house] Guys, it says "Welcome Buyers". Clearly, the farmer wishes to receive units of monetary currency in exchange for a gooder item currently in his possession, in this case, the farm.

[The others all talk at once in agreement.]

Abby

I get it.

That makes sense.

AAnnouncer

3 seconds later...

[The animals panic.]

Abby

[gasps] Where are we gonna live?!

That's not good!

Everybody panic!

What's to become of us?!

What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?!

What if they eat us?!

Abby

What if they make us fight each other in gladitorial combat?!

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[Seeing Otis' disguise.]

Abby

[gasps] Your lounge singer costume is terrifying!

I'm not a lounge singer.

Oh, are you a circus ringmaster?

Or a late-night TV mattress salesman?

I got it! You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past.

Oh, for... I'm supposed to be a real estate agent.

OOthers

[understanding] Oh...

[Beat.]

Can you train dolphins?

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[An old lady on a scooter arrives at the barnyard.]

Good afternoon, old one! Let me guess, you're a buyer.

OOld lady

Why, yes, I am, young fella.

Fantastic. Hey, have a good look around, just, whatever you do... DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!

OOld lady

What are you talking about?

Well, it's quite silly, really. I mean, hardly worth mentioning, but I will, anyway. You see, the barn has a teeny tiny... PORTAL TO THE UNDERWORLD!!!

[The barn doors open, revealing a ghastly green glow, showing Abby, Peck, Pig, and Freddy as shadowy figures with glowing red eyes.]

AAll

[spooky wailing]

Abby

Get out...

No shoes, no service!

OOld lady

Oh, I'm not afraid of the underworld.