Abby quotes from Back at the Barnyard

Freddy! Peck! Where are you guys? Pig's gonna eat your breakfast!

Uh, oh... Actually, uh...

Pig ate your breakfast!

Abby

I'm worried, Otis. They've been out all night. I bet they're cold, and hungry, and have terrible morning breath.

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Duke

Abby, tell us how you come by your amazing athletic talent.

Abby

Well, gosh, Duke. I grew up with 18 older brothers who used to clobber me all the time, then one day, I just kinda decided... THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! Is this on TV? Because I'm a little camera shy.

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[At the milking machine...]

Abby

You go first.

No way, you go first.

So, how are we doing on the milk, gals? [sees empty buckets] What? What's going on? We should be snorkeling in milk by now.

Look, no one but the farmer is clamping any electric doohickeys to my milk-giving areas.

Bessy, my bashful bovine, it couldn't be safer. Here, let me demonstrate. [fits the hose on his udders] Put these on...

Otis, that's not how it looks in the instructions.

Relax, I've seen the farmer do this, like, a hundred times. Okay, turn it on, turn it on.

Okay, you're the boss. [turns the dial, turning the machine on]

Mm-hm. Oh, it's quite, pleasant, actually. It's like a gentle tug. [chuckles, then starts to feel uncomfortable] Okay, slightly less gentle now. [yells in pain] AAH, OH! MY UDDERS... ARE... ON... FIRE!!!

[mishearing Otis saying "fire"] Higher? You got it! [turns the dial up higher]

[Otis screams hysterically in pain and tries to pull the hose off of his udders.]

[shrilly] TURN IT OFF!!!

[Otis yanks the hose off of his udders and he falls to the floor. Pip turns down the dial, turning off the machine.]

[moans in pain]

[laughs] That is one funny milking machine!

[high voice] Guys, I'm gonna need some private time. [crawls across the floor]

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[The chickens have laid many eggs from being fed an energy drink made by the animals.]

Now that is what I call a grade A... [the egg blows up in his face] Uhhhh, what exactly did you put in the energy drink?

Yogurt.

Vitamins.

Abby

Love.

And?

[holding red sticks] And pepper!

[grabs the red sticks from Freddy] Those aren't pepper shakers. That's dynamite!

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[chased by his opponent during the first fighting match] AAH! MAD COW, MAD COW!

Now, this-- [Otis gets punched] ...is entertainment! Pass the popcorn.

Abby

Oh, I can't look! It's too much for my delicate constitution. GET HIM, OTIS! TEAR HIM TO SHREDS!

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Duke's family, I mean, he's like the crazy uncle we never had.

Abby

Right... I never had a crazy uncle.

[Flashback to a younger Abby with her crazy uncle.]

ASAbby's Crazy Uncle

The Easter Bunny has betrayed me! We'll have to close the beaches! You can't close the beaches, we're a summer town! GET THESE TURTLES OUTTA MY HEAD, PLEASE! And, Lindy! [dances and scats]

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I... I've only got a week to live?

Abby

Oh, my goodness, Otis. I am so sorry.

But... That's impossible. I feel fine. Although, you know, I've been getting a little tired around bedtime lately, and I seem to lose my appetite after heavy meals, and dry grass has really lost its flavor-- OH, MILK ME, IT'S TRUE! I'M DYING! [runs away sobbing]

Boy, dying really seems to bum him out.

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[Otis and Pip are eating candy from their gift basket, while Abby, Bessy, Pig, Peck, and Duke are still inside the giant wooden moose.]

Man, this candy's good, isn't it?

Duke

Yeah, glad to hear it, Otis. Now, can you get us out of here, please? There's only one exit, and Pig's stuck in it.

This is so not shaboogie.

Abby

Shaboopie!

Uh, don't worry about it. Freddy'll have you out in no time.

[Freddy passes by with a ladder. He climbs up the wooden moose with the ladder.]

Okay, guys. This is my first moose, so close your eyes, pretend you're in a pencil cup, [holds up a chainsaw] and hope for the best! [starts cutting through the moose as the animals inside scream in horror]

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[Otis and the animals are at the circus parade, standing behind the crowd of people.]

This stinks, I can't see a thing! [notices a water tower] Hey, let's climb that water tower and get a better view.

[The animals mutter with uncertainty.]

Abby

I can see fine from here.

Too high.

[Otis sneaks behind the other animals, and imitates each of them.]

[imitates Pig] Good idea, Otis. [imitates Abby] Count me in! [imitates Freddy] I WANNA EAT PECK!!! [imitates Peck] What Freddy said was weird, but I also would like to climb that tower.

[The animals agree and head to the water tower.]

Well, since everyone else wants to.

I'm down.

Let's do it.

You got it!

Abby

I'm in.

[The animals are climbing the water tower.]

[grunts] Just a little bit higher, guys.

[A loud, low creaking noise is heard as the water tower shakes.]

Pig?

Yeah.

Tell me that's your stomach.

Uh, it's not me.

Milk me.

[The water tower tips over. The animals scream as they fall off. The water tower crashes on the circus parade.]

Oh no, I smushed the circus!

[The crowd hears Otis, and turn around. They see the animals on all fours.]

Abby

Moo.

Oink, oink.

Cock-a-doodle... eh, doo.

Ferret, ferret!

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Abby

Otis, I need to talk to you for a minute.

You got it, star performer, without whom, we have no show!

Abby

Otis, I can't do the triple flipperoo.

[shocked] What? But you said you could! Wow, what a liar.

Abby

No, I mean, I won't do it. Not after... that terrible night. [looks up]

What's over there? What are you looking at?

[A flashback shows Abby performing her trick at circus camp. The crowd chants as she flips in the air.]

CCrowd

One! Two! Three!

[Abby catches the other trapeze, and reaches out to catch her partner, a horse, but she misses, causing the horse to fall.]

HHorse

Abby... WHYYY...?!

[Abby watches in horror as the horse crashes to the ground. Back in the present day...]

Abby

And it was all my fault.

Wow. So did he...

Abby

Get horribly injured? No. He was okay, though he still smiles at the wrong things.

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Where have you guys been? We're on live in 20 minutes.

Abby

Sorry, Peck. Freddy tossed the limo driver out of the car.

I told him not to look me in the eye. And would you please refer to me by my new name, this? [shows an abstract symbol on a piece of paper]

Abby

[spits out bottled water] What is this?! I specifically requested spring water from a Peruvian glacier. This is from some other dumb glacier!

[enters] Greetings, all. I'd like you to meet my entourage.

GGoat

'Sup?

Hey! How come he gets an entourage?!

Abby

Pig, that's not an entourage, that's just an old goat.

Yeah, well, that's one more goat than you got, sweetheart.

Abby

I could've gotten a goat. [the three start arguing] I can get a goat! I can get a goat any time...

So go get one. I don't see you getting a goat.

I repeat, how come...

[enters in a flashy suit, top hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a British accent] Ahem! Hello, mates. Are you all ready for tonight's telly broadcast? Huh? What-what? Big Ben. Fish and chips.

Abby

Otis, what are you talking like a pirate for?

And what's with the new clothes? You're gonna upstage everyone!

Sorry, blokes. I can't hear ya. As it turns out, I'm a huge rock star, right on!

[Everyone starts arguing as Pip records.]

Don't look me in the eyes.

Great stuff. Great stuff!

[Everyone keeps arguing.]

STOP IT!!! Just look at what success has done to us! [sobs] I thought we were all friends. I thought each of us contributed to our sound. Are you too self-centered to see that stardom... [voice breaking] ...is tearing us apart?

I'm sorry, what do you play again?

[normal voice] It's a thing that makes a noise. Why, it's clangy, is it?

Give us the first letter.

Abby

Is it a tuba?

Is it made out of a car?

I can rewind the tape.

Abby

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Oh, it's a breadbox!

[fed up] That's it, I'm outta here! And I'm taking my triangle... with me!

Oh, I got it! It's a triangle!

Triangle. Oh...

Abby

That was it!

Wait! Peck, come on, don't run out on us now! [the door slams]

Those breadbox players are real whackjobs, aren't they?

Expensive, too.

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AAll

Happy birthday, Freddy!

You guys, you shouldn't have!

Don't be silly, Freddy. You're family. Oh, and speaking of family, we invited your parents and they're gonna be here any minute!

[horrified] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Abby

Wow, he really is surprised!

Otis, my parents can NOT come here! You have to uninvite them!

Uninvite--? Freddy, they totally miss you. They can't wait to see you.

[sobs] No, you don't understand! They're not like you and me!

Abby

Oh, now, everybody thinks their parents are a little weird, Freddy. Mine put ketchup on their hay.

Yeah, and mine think leprechauns are stealing their gold.

You see? Pig's parents are stupid and crazy.

Oh, you know it.

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[gets a notification on his phone] Oh, hey, it's a text message, from Pip. [reads the text message] ”B-H-P, &, S-B-B, sad face”. [confused] Huh?

Abby

I speak text. He says he's being held prisoner in Snotty Boy's bedroom.

Snotty Boy. I should've guessed.

[Otis gets another notification on his phone.]

Oh, hang on. There's more. "G-T-P-T-A"?

Abby

He says ”Give the phone to Abby!”