Scenes with Abby 59
[interrupting Snotty Boy from shooting earwax at the farm animals] Eugene!
[irritated] I'm... BUSY!!!
[talking through a megaphone] Come home! I have a wonderful surprise for you!
A surprise? I like surprises. [chuckles] You're lucky, cow.
[storms off] I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
[The animals all get up and groan from Snotty Boy's attack.]
Alright, is everyone okay?
Sorry, I can't hear you. I have wax in my ears, AND IT'S NOT MINE!
AbbyHe's inhuman!
I don't like the sound of this "big surprise".
I don't like the sound of vacuums!
FDr. Filly
Folks, a one-eyed doodlebug can see that this barnyard is rife with emotional tension.
Abby
Yeah, we're like family.
FDr. Filly
Bingo. Families are like a beekeeper with his hair on fire. You can't tell him what for, and if'n you do, he'll ask you for change!
[The animals stare with confusion.]
FDr. Filly
[about Pig] Okay, for example, this little feller right here uses pancakes to smother the sad clown inside his heart.
[cries] It's true! Oh, it's true! [falls to the floor, and notices a stray pancake] Oh, finders keepers. [eats the pancake]
FDr. Filly
[about Pip] And this little feller lives in the shadow of a best friend with whom he could never hope to compete.
I'm not just a sidekick. I'm a person! OH, SWEET CHEESE! IT HURTS!
FDr. Filly
[to Otis and Abby] And you two are mired in the pasty quicksand of your ongoing romantic tension.
I don't secretly love you!
Abby
Me either!
[Both giggle nervously.]
[A meter reader visiting the barnyard is horrified to discover the animals walking and talking.]
MRMeter reader
Talking animals! I saw you! You animals were walking, and talking, and playing an obscure form of golf!
Sir, calm down. We are not talking animals. We're... um... you know.
Abby
Sassy improv comics.
Oh, I know! We're imaginary brain pixies, and only you can see us. Nailed it.
[Otis sighs and pulls a rope, dropping a hay bale on the meter reader's head.]
MRMeter reader
Head hurting. Memory of recent events fading.
Abby
Otis, I can't believe that phony Big Bones is getting the credit for your mustache recipe.
Mmm. Who cares? Freddy's imitation rooster is awesome!
[Everyone else agrees.]
Hey, wait a minute. Where's Peck?
[Everyone looks at their forks, thinking they ate Peck.]
Abby
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
[monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh.
[Otis uses a plunger on his mouth. Just then, Freddy and Peck enter.]
[Everyone is relieved to see Peck.]
I don't even wanna tell you what we were thinking.
That the secret ingredient in tofrooster is dandruff? How'd you guess?
[Beat.]
Abby
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
[monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh.
[still suffering from indigestion] AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
RRooster
[singing opera] Aaaaaaaaaahhh!
So how much longer do you think before he grows out of it?
Abby
According to the book, four to six years.
[In a shock, Otis accidentally drops the disco anvil, which bounces off two trampolines, and a couch the goat is sitting on.]
And we both reached for the blueberry juice at the same time! [he, Freddy, and Peck laugh]
[The anvil crushes the chair Mr. Wiggleplix was sitting in.]
[devastated] Mr. Wiggleplix! NOOOOOOOOO...!!!
[At Mr. Wiggleplix's funeral, Pig is sobbing at Mr. Wiggleplix's grave.]
Friends, we're gathered here remember Mr. Wiggleplix. He lived a short, full life until Otis crushed him with an anvil.
Abby
Otis, since you often, maybe you'd like to say a few words.
Um, yeah those words would be "no".
Abby
Otis, you've got to! It says so in "What to Do Your Friend's Imaginary Friend's Funeral"!
Oh, okay, fine. [gets up and walks to the "R.I.P. Mr. Wiggleplix" sign] Uh... Mr. Wiggleplix was transparent. I, for one, will never forget how I was never able to see any type of physical manifestation of this... [looks at the sign] uh, giant top hatted koala.
Hedgehog! He was a giant HEDGEHOG!!! [runs away in tears]
Yeah, first, you off his friend, then you call him a filthy koala!
Oh, okay, first, I never said filthy. And second, HE DOES NOT EXIST!
Wow, saving that race of mole people from those giant evil bloodworms at the center of the Earth was cool!
[The others agree.]
Definitely one of our better adventures.
Abby
I still can't believe they made Pig their emperor.
[Pig is shot out of the ground.]
I abused my power and I learned nothing.
Look at her beady, little eyes, her furrowed brow, her cruel hateful beak.
Freddy, you're looking at me.
Abby
Guys, Bessy's my best friend. I refuse to believe she stole those paintings.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Confront her with what we saw?
No way! You remember the last time we tried to confront her with something?
[Flashback to Bessy dropping an anvil on Otis' head.]
Ha! You remember the last time we tried to alert the authorities?
[Flashback to Bessy shoving Pig in Otis' mouth.]
Abby
Maybe we should forget the whole thing and go about our business.
You remember the last time we tried to forget the whole thing and go about our business?
[Flashback to Bessy dropping the henhouse on Otis.]
Abby
Okay, Otis, you got your candy back. Now can we get out of this creepy place?
Abby
Let's go.
[The animals agree to leave the cemetery]
Right after I take a handful of candy from this tree trunk. [Otis attempts to take candy from Hockey Mask Bob's tree trunk but the animals stop Otis right before he does it]
Abby
Otis, don't you dare take candy from Hockey Mask Bob's tree trunk.
Oh, come on, just a little to replace what we lost chasing Snotty Boy. Even a freak like Bob could understand the economics of that.
But the legend. He'll come back and take his revenge.
Oh, his revenge? ”Golly, I'm all a-tremble.” Guys, Hockey Mask Bob is all moon cheese and cracker dust. He doesn't exist. Now I'll just take a tiny handful, and we can be on our way.
AAH! Hockey Mask used his demon powers to summon Abby's face onto his face! AAH!
Abby
No, it's really me! I just pranked you. We all did!
[The others show up.]
AAAH! Hockey Mask Bob used dark sorcery to reanimate the bodies of my friends in a horrible fashion! [screams]
AAnnouncer
One hour later...
AAAH! Hockey Mask Bob is pretending to be the announcer and making horrifying statements about the passage of time! [screams]
[Discussing the Z-Box.]
Abby
Otis, that thing costs, like, ten thousand tickets.
Yeah, we'll never get that many.
Guys, did Napoleon quit when he needed ten thousand tickets to conquer France? Did that other guy quit when he needed ten thousand tickets to do that ten thousand ticket thing? No! I'm not saying it'll be easy. I'm not saying--
[The others have left, and it's revealed Otis was giving his speech to a small kid, who starts crying.]
[After the British orphan Otis gave the Z-Box to is revealed to be a conman.]
Abby
Well, Otis, you did the wrong thing.
I sure did, Abby. I sure did.
Yeah, it was actually pretty stupid.
Yeah, I mean, you just gave it to him.
[annoyed] I know what I did!
[Meeting Psycho the rodeo bull.]
Abby
It's that crazy bull!
He eats cowboys for breakfast!
And accountants for a light snack at 4:00!
Abby
Otis, what happened to your leg?
Psycho asked me to help him move his couch, and then busted my leg, and said mean things, and the farmer decided to ride him to win the love of Bronco Betsy, and now he's doomed!
I get his raisins! I mean, after we get over the initial shock of this.
So the elf says, "That's no pixie! That's my wife!"
[Everyone laughs.]
Abby
Santa, you are hi-larious. [laughs]
Hey, Santa, do you know the Easter bunny?
Know him? That carrot jockey owes me 50 bucks!
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
