I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
MMoxey
That's three things.
He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Hey... you trust people, you do.
Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
MMoxey
Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]
It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
It happens though, don't it?
And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
[Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Where are you headed, then?
...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Hey, he can come back with us.
No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
MMoxey
Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.
MMoxey
What's in the paper, then?
[Reading a paper.] Nothing that's gonna change the course of history, son. It's the music press, innit?
MMoxey
Oh. [Walks over to Wayne] You're really into that, aren't you? [Sits next to Wayne]
MMoxey
You should've been a rock star, you. Dead ringer for Ronnie Wood. Anybody ever told you that?
Yeah, couple of times, in fact. As it 'appens, I signed Woody's autograph for a couple of Fräuleins down the old town on Tuesday.
MMoxey
Go away, you didn't, did yer?
Yeah, yeah. There's no harm done though. They was thrilled at having met one of their idols, and I was gratified at having put a bit of colour into their otherwise drab existence.
MMoxey
That don't seem right to me somehow.
Look, I didn't abuse Woody's name by jumping 'em, did I? I could've.
Ehh, they were all over me like a cheap coat, they were. But I've got a code of ethics, Moxey. I know where to draw the line.
MMoxey
Very c-c-commendable, that, in this day and age.
Yeah, ain't it? Mind you, bein' ethical don't 'alf put a crimp in your nuts!
Hello, Herr Grunwald. Its not Monday already is it?
No, it is not. It is Sunday. And on Sunday I expect to be with my family. At home.
Turfed you out, have they? Never mind, son. Pull up a bed. We accept all sorts in here.
Please, I am not in the mood for your insolence. Where's Patterson?
Dennis? Down the baths, I think. What d'you want 'im for?
S'pose so. It's not a role he relishes, though.
MMoxey
Why? That's the problem?
Englanders are the problem. [Walks sternly towards Wayne and Moxey] They always are!
What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
He's only one person, man!
Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
MMoxey
Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
"Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
Ah, we'll all back you up, though.
No, Dennis has got a point.
Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Yeah, some of the lads told me.
Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
MMoxey
G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
[To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
It will be if you don't don't ask him right.
[As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.
65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]
Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.
Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]
MMoxey
'Ey! I 'eard that!
MMoxey
So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.
Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.
MMoxey
I still qualified, though!
Bloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!
[Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]
MMoxey
'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.
Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.
Is, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?
[As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.
Better organise the booze, eh?
Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?
All right. Get some crisps.
Oh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?
[Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!
[Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]
MMoxey
All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.
Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.
Is that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?
It's not for the love of it, is it?
Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]
[Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...
[Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.
Oh aye? What's his craic?
...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.
MMoxey
Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]
Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.
Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?
I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?
[Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.
[To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!
Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!
[Entering the bar] Wa-hey!
Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?
Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.
That should be enough, shouldn't it?
That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?
What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.
Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]
MMoxey
He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.
You mean we've got a night's reprieve?
MMoxey
Well, it looks like it!
[Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]
And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.
Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?
[To the barman] Five bottles of pils...
[Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.
Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Ah, that's not important.
Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
MMoxey
Better get some practice in.
Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]
[Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)
[Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)
Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)
Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)
[Consulting the phrase book] Aye.
[Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.
MMoxey
'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.
Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)
Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.
We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?
No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.
MMoxey
[Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.
[Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.
[Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!
He must've took it back again!
MMoxey
Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.
He never asked, though. He makes me mad!
He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.
[Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]
Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.
I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?
MMoxey
Er, down the Tivoli, it was.
Right. I'm off down there.
Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.
Bollocks! [Leaves again.]
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
This is for the best, this!
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
MMoxey
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
MMoxey
The Queen Mother?!
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
MMoxey
What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
Sounds like a bloody council estate.
MMoxey
You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
And that'll make him see red, won't it?
Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
MMoxey
Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.
Have a bit of patience, Moxey.
Apparently, the polls are predicting purple.
Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?
Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.
Me neither. It's not a man's colour!
Figures don't lie, y'know.
So, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?
[Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.
Well, then, how could it win?
Because no two people had the same first choice.
So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?
That's right, and yellow got three second places.
Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.
That’s democracy, Dennis.
[Handing Uli a drink] You look like you could do with that.
Cheers. [They raise their glasses. Oz sees the extent of the bruises] He do that to you, did he?
I'm not surprised. Bloody maniac. He come after me with a knife, yer know.
Did he tell you about that the...
Aye. [Uli chuckles and nods] Yeah. Well, I suppose he were only trying to help, yer know. What a bloody cheek, though!
Well, I didn't tell him that I know better. Look, I'm sorry I lied to you. I want to explain. You were my only chance to get out, to go to England where he couldn't hurt me.
You must've been pretty desperate to pick a bloke like me.
Oh, no, that had nothing to do with it.
'Cos, er... it wasn't true, yer kna.
Nah. Well, you weren't the only one that sort of made things out to be er, yer kna, a little bit different to what they were. Listen, I'm not any tycoon's son. My dad hasn't even got a business.
Nah. My old man was a layabout and a drunk. He buggered off when I was a bairn. Last thing I saw of him was, er, huntin' around the house for a pair of socks, prior to pissing off to the Persian Gulf on an oil tanker. See... I spun that whole yarn just to try and impress you, yer kna. Kept it all going... just to keep you.
[Shocked] ...Well, I feel better that you also didn't tell the truth.
Well... you might as well know the lot. I'm married as well.
Officially. Only in England, mind. Yer kna... But I mean, you've got somebody as well, havvn't yer? I mean, you've got this Kemal bloke.
Look, Uli, I mean, the main thing is, you've got to give this bloke the elbow, haven't yer? You've gotta give him the heave-ho, the push, the shove... Leave the bugger! Yer know? I mean, try... Pack a bag and try a new town.
[Shaking her head] It's difficult.
I know, I know, but I thought maybes, yer kna, when this has all blown over I thought maybe we could pick it up where we left off.
Maybe, huh? But, you know, Kemal is a bad man, and I don't want any more trouble for you.
He'll not cause me any more trouble. He'll not cause you any more trouble either. He's only one man, yer kna.
Yes, but he has two brothers, and they're all bad people.
Yes, but I've got six mates, an' if we count the whole building site, that's nearly 100. I don't think the Kemal brothers'll wanna mess with that lot!
Being in the business, you know, it's easy for us to see how flimsy this construction is. [Pulls the blinds off the window] In't that right, lads?
MMoxey
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely Jerry-built.
I could sneeze, it would fall down.
What i'm sayin' is, y'see, we're just as good at demolition as we are at construction.
[Takes his cigar out of his mouth] You are threatening me?
Listen. You lay one more finger on that girl, right... [Points to Bomber] ...and he'll hit you so hard your family'll feel it back in Istanbul!
It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Was it what I thought it was?
I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?
[Standing] The toast is Brenda.
[As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
MMoxey
It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
[Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
[Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
[As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
[With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.
MMoxey
No, Oz! It wasn't my fault!
[Pinning Moxey up against the wall, still covered in wet plaster] You won't take nowt serious, will yer? You, eh? Yer always pullin' some stunt or other!
MMoxey
Oz, it was Dennis, honest!
Dennis? Dennis is too straight up to play funny buggers!
Oz! Oz, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake, really. [Oz flings wet plaster over Moxey's head] Look, Moxey's not malicious, is he? He's naive, right, but not malicilous.
MMoxey
[Getting up] Yeah. Right.
See? Just a genuine mistake, that's all.
[Turning on Barry] Well, so much for your bloody kismet, or whatever the hell you call it!
It's not my fault she weren't called Yvette, is it?
I feel a right berk now, though.
MMoxey
Yvette... Christa, Kismet, whatever her bloody name is... I mean, what's the difference? What's in a name?
Aye. I mean, she may not be preordained from another life, Oz, but she ain't half got lovely bosoms.
[Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)
Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...
Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)
Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)
Hello. I was just passing.
Erm... Why you buy for me these?
Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.
Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.
It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?
There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.
Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.
[Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.
Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?
Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.
Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.
Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?
Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.
Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]
[Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!
Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?
She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.
MMoxey
Still very tasty though, ain't she?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...
Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?
[As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.
[Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!
[Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]
No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]
[Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!
Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.
[Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?
No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
