Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.
Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]
So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.
Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!
No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.
Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?
I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!
Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.
So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.
I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.
Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.
I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?
...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.
MMoxey
No, er, me neither.
[turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]
I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.
Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?
I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]
Well, this is a right puzzler, this one. I don't wanna go back home, but I don't really wanna stop here working in Germany, especially if I'm just gonna be workin' with Germans.
MMoxey
I thought you had a wife and a kid though, Oz.
Aye, and that's why he doesn't want to go back!
[Nods in agreement] True, true. What about you, Moxey? You'll stop here with us, won't ya?
MMoxey
Ah, as much as I like it, Oz, I can't say I relish the idea of paying tax, like. I mean, when you think about the squallid lifestyle that we lead at the moment, it's gonna be even worse with less money.
Sounds like another boy Blighty-bound to me!
MMoxey
No way, Bomb. There's even less chance of that happening.
MMoxey
I've got a record, haven't I? I was in the nick for two years 'fore I come out here.
MMoxey
This was supposed to be me fresh start in life.
Ahhh, what did you get locked up for, eh?
MMoxey
Yeah, I know! I didn't wanna tell you blokes, you know, in case you got worried, like, you know, about bein' in the same hut as me, like. Guess it don't matter now, though.
[Still shocked] Arson, eh? And you don't even smoke!
And how's that come about, Mox?
MMoxey
I was workin' on this building site, you know, back in Liverpool. Bastard site manager, had it in for us, like, kept dockin' my wages for no reason! And one day, you know, I just lost me rag. I set fire to his hut.
What, was he still in it?
MMoxey
Not for long, no. [Bomber chuckles] So there you go, record for arson. Dodge City address.
MMoxey
Kirkby. I reckon me chances on Merseyside are even worse than Everton's!
Well... [Slams his palm on the bar] Stop on, Moxey. That's the only thing you can do, really.
MMoxey
Yeah, I know, Oz, but, y'know once they get me name down on their forms and their files, it'll only be a matter of time before they find out about me past.
Hey, Dennis? You'll never guess what? Moxey's an arsonist!
[To the barman, completely ignoring Oz] Schnapps. [The barman brings the bottle over] Just leave the bottle. [He does so.]
How's about if I contributed to a German heart disease charity fund, and instead of one of them little flags for me lapel, they put this tattoo on me arm?
MMoxey
Oh, very ingenious, that.
Even Brenda would see through that fairytale, man!
[Eyeing up Dennis downing the schnapps] I bet Dennis could come up with summat.
[In a drunken stupor] Not a chance.
MMoxey
What's got into 'im?
I dunno, but he's certainly taken hold.
I'll have a word with 'im, he'll talk to me...
[Shouting] Just stop right where you are, Oz!
Come on, Den. We're your mates. Whatever it is, share it with us.
Aye, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, eh? Aye, that was one of Vera's favourite sayings, that was.
Come on, Den. Snap out of it, man.
[Snapping] "Snap out of it?!" Will you listen to this lad, eh? Have you lot had any idea what it's like bein' kicked out of a marriage? It's like bein' asked to take down all those walls we've been buildin' brick by brick wi' yer bare hands. Imagine what that feels like, yeah? Aye, then imagine what it would be like if they came along and said, "Right, now put 'em all back up again."
Thanks for the offer, Bomber, but you can't. I help you with your problems. Doesn't work the other way 'round. That's how it is! So all of you just, er... [Puts some money on the bar and takes the bottle of schnapps he's been drinking from and starts to leave the bar] ...just do me the only favour you can, will you, eh? Just leave me alone!
Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]
Wayne signed on, then, Oz.
Gotta put up wi' you, have I?
Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)
Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.
Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]
MMoxey
You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?
Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]
Howay, man, just pour the tea.
Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.
I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".
Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.
Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.
Maybe it's his pride, eh?
MMoxey
M-maybe he just don't trust us.
Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]
I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...
Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.
There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...
Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!
All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]
Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
MMoxey
Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
[Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
MMoxey
Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
[Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.
Oh yeah? So what's this then, eh? Plan 349? [Chuckles] I thought you were gonna level with Brenda.
I am, I am! Just wanna do it in me own time. Don't wanna spoil me homecoming, do I?
Hello? Anyone expecting a telegram? [Laughs]
[Struggling] Oh, no, don't give me a hand, anybody, will you(?) No, no, it's alright... [Sets off the horn on his bike with his gut] I'll just bloody rupture meself, that's all!
MMoxey
What's the score then, Barry? Into motocross? [The lads laugh. Barry doesn't as he sets the bike in the middle of the hut.]
Old Faithful here's gonna get me to Jeddah, ain't she? So I think I'd better give her a complete service before I set off.
You're not ridin' that all the way to Saudi Arabia?!
Nah, nah. I thought I might run alongside it, ya nerk(!)
'Ere, hold on, Barry. This is all a bit previous, ain't it? I mean it's alright for you lot, you can all go your separate ways at the weekend, right? But this is still my home. I know it's the pits, but I don't want it turned into the pits. Know what I mean?
Don't worry, I'll be tidy. I used to be able to build whole Meccano sets on a tea tray, y'know, without losing one single piece, yeah?
[Gets up and gets a tea-tray from atop a cupboard] If so much as one nut or bolt strays off this tray, son, it's on yer bike! [Flings the tray at Barry, who catches it.]
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
MMoxey
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
MMoxey
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
MMoxey
It's a bloody miracle this letter ever reached us. They sent it to me old address, who sent it to the steamship company, who sent it to me mother, who sent it here.
SSyd
Was he a good mate, this Barry?
MMoxey
We were in Germany together. Didn't have a lot in common with 'im, really, 'cept acne.
SSyd
His must have cleared up if he's getting married.
MMoxey
I'd still like to be there, though. See the lads. Reminisce about all the manky times we had in that craphole.
SSyd
You're a bit of a sentimentalist at heart, Mox.
MMoxey
Yeah. S'pose I am, really.
GGalloway
Move your arses, you two!
MMoxey
Just takin' a well-earned break, Mr. Galloway.
GGalloway
You will finish this place by nightfall. Even if it takes 'til tomorrow morning! Is that understood?
MMoxey
Crystal clear, sir. [Galloway closes the cell door. Moxey and Syd get back to work.] I'll send 'im a postcard.
SSyd
If he's a really good mate, maybe he'll put the wedding back a year.
MMoxey
You still, er, married then, Nev?
Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?
MMoxey
Well... no reason, like. It's just that... well, y'know, the tattoo you had, with the other Judy's name on. Must've thrown a bit of a wobbler over that.
Ah, how'd you explain that one away?
I didn't. I couldn't. I just... told her the truth. Well... sort of. Said you lot got us drunk and held us down while they did it. She believed us... eventually. We just agreed never to mention it.
He's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
MMoxey
I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Cheap at half the price, son.
You weren't there, were you, Mox?
No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
[Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
MMoxey
Trev. He prefers Trev.
Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.
Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
MMoxey
You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!
[Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
[Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
We thought that was the general idea, like.
It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
[Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
MMoxey
Didn't sleep a wink all night.
MMoxey
Yeah, with me an' Nev.
He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
MMoxey
Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
MMoxey
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
MMoxey
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
MMoxey
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
MMoxey
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
MMoxey
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
MMoxey
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
All self-contained, like?
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
MMoxey
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
MMoxey
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Got any of them pies left, squire?
Have you got anything hot?
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
I resigned six years ago.
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
