It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Was it what I thought it was?
I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?
Wayne[Standing] The toast is Brenda.
[As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
[Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Wayne
Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
[Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
Wayne
Get stuck in, mate.
That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
[As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
[With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.
Wayne
Hello, Oz. Who bought you them, then? [Chuckles]
Wayne
Oh, charming. Charming(!) No, seriously, though, what are they for?
Nowt. Money down the drain, man.
Wayne
You bought 'em for someone?
It's none of your business why I bought 'em!
Wayne
Yeah, all right! All right! I'm not trying to needle you.
Nah? You'd better not, neither, right? I've had a right bellyful today! [They walk towards]
Wayne
Hey, what are you gonna do with 'em?
I dunno. Sling 'em, I suppose.
Wayne
I'll take 'em off you.
Wayne
How much did you pay for 'em?
Wayne
I'll give you half.
Half?! They're only two hours old, man.
Wayne
Yeah, but they're still second-hand, eh? I mean, there's not much demand for second-hand flowers, is there?
They're as good as new, look.
Wayne
They're wilting. Oh yeah, you should've put 'em in water, son, otherwise they wilt. Look at the petals. Definitely wilting.
Wayne
Yeah. Well past their prime, sunbeam. I think £5 is a bit over-generous, really.
It was £7.50 at the bricks!
Wayne
Oh yeah, but they're wilting by the second, ain't they? I mean, the price goes down, son, even as we speak.
[Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)
Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...
Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)
Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)
Wayne
Hello. I was just passing.
Erm... Why you buy for me these?
Wayne
Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.
Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.
Wayne
It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?
There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.
Wayne
Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.
[Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.
Wayne
My pleasure, love.
Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?
Wayne
Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.
Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Wayne
Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.
Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?
Wayne
Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.
Wayne
You what?
Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]
Wayne
[Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!
Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?
She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.
Still very tasty though, ain't she?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...
Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?
Wayne
[As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.
Wayne
Or like prison.
[Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!
Wayne
[Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]
Wayne
No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]
[Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!
Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.
[Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?
No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]
Wayne
[To the barman] A large cognac, please, chief. [Notices Dennis] Hello, Den. What are you doin' here?
Wayne
Yeah? Me too. D'you want another?
Wayne
[To the barman] That's a large Scotch too, please, squire. [To Dennis] I thought you were stayin' out all night.
No, I changed me mind. [Wayne goes over to Dennis. The barman puts their drinks on the bar]
Wayne
Things not work out with, er, Dagmar and your old lady, then?
[Shakes his head] I thought I was just being above board, yer kna, straight and honest. Vera said I was showin' off.
Wayne
Showin' off?
Showin' off Dagmar. I mean, she's a smart lass, isn't she? Attractive and honest. I dunno, that's probably what I was doin'. [Coughs]
Wayne
Well, she is rather special, that Dagmar, ain't she? Mind you, so is her mate.
Christa? Hey, you an' me've... collared the clerical staff, havvn't we? Eh?
Wayne
I wish I had, Den.
No? Things not work out, like?
Wayne
She wouldn't let me get near her, would she? Mind you, I didn't want to, y'know. No, I didn't want to sort of come on strong and jump it, like.
Hey, you're slippin', aren't yer?
Wayne
I'm smitten, Den. Now listen, don't tell the lads, right? Now, I can confide in you, can't I? Now I know you've probably got your own problems and all that, but I can bend your ear a bit, can't I?
Just carry on, bonny lad, I havvn't a care in the world, me(!)
Wayne
Yeah, well, look, I'm serious about this Christa, right. I know it's madness, but I'm really bowled over. Now, don't tell the lads, eh?
My lips are sealed, all right?
Wayne
I get embarrased just thinking about it, you know? "It'll never happen to me," I said. It bloody has, ain't it?
Hey... you really are serious, aren't yer?
Wayne
I'm deadly serious, Den. Of course, er, never having been in this situation before, it's pretty hard to be certain about the symptoms. [Dennis chuckles] But I think... well, listen, I'm positive, sunbeam, that this is it. It's devastating, mate. Devastating.
Ahh, it's not the end of the world, that, man. Go for it!
Wayne
Yeah, but I can't fathom it, can I? And the trouble is, we're shipping out in a week or two, ain't we?
Wayne
So I've gotta decide whether to go home or chance me arm here, ain't I?
Yeah, you're not the only one that's gotta make that decision.
Wayne
You too?
Wayne
You mean home or Dagmar?
[Shakes his head] I mean Vera or Dagmar.
Wayne
[Exhales] Blimey, Dennis. What are we gonna do?
Well, I was about to get pissed. You care to join me? [They chuckle]
You know something, Wayne, there's a real serenity and wisdom about you these days, you know.
Wayne
Well it's the power of love, isn't it, Barry?
I suppose it is, yeah... What's it feel like? Love, I mean, being in love. Well, I don't really sparkle in the that department, see, between you and me, or in the adjacent one either! I'm the sort of bloke who looks at the three-year expiry date of a packet of johnnies and wonders if he'll ever use them in time!
Wayne
Hey, come on. Your time will come, mate, and you'll know when it hits you, I'm telling ya!
Yeah... What's it feel like? [Quieter] What's it feel like?
Wayne
Love is... love is sitting in a hut on a German building site, carving two names into a plank of wood without feeling a prat about it.
Wayne
Morning, ladies!
Wayne
Erm... I brought you a little something.
Oh... [Wayne presents her with the plaque] Oh, Wayne, it's beautiful. You made it yourself, ja?
Wayne
Well, y'know, on my union card it says "joiner", but I'm a sculptor, really.
Christa Oh, er... Dagmar, look. Erm... Wayne has made me a paperweight!
Wayne
No. No, no, it's not a paperweight. It's a plaque, ain't it? Y'know, you're supposed to put it on the wall like, y'know... [Puts it atop the first aid cabinet] ...above your bed, like.
Oh, of course. Erm... it will look very nice there.
Wayne
That's all right, then, ain't it? Erm, I wanna fill in one of those forms as well, if you'd give us a hand.
Wayne
The, erm... work permits, whatever you call them.
[Getting up] You're staying?
Wayne
Yeah. About the only one who is, by the look of it. [Dagmar turns around] Course, erm... a couple of lads haven't quite made their minds up yet, y'know.
[Getting the forms] You want me to, erm... to write this for you, ja?
Wayne
Yeah, please, if you would, love. My German never got past Donner and Blitzen.
[Laughs] Okay. [Grabs a pen] Please, your full name.
Wayne
Look, you do know why I'm doing this, don't you?
[Smiles back at Wayne] I think I can guess.
Wayne
Right... It's Wayne Winston Norris.
Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]
Wayne signed on, then, Oz.
Wayne
Yeah.
Gotta put up wi' you, have I?
Wayne
Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)
Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.
Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]
You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?
Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]
Howay, man, just pour the tea.
Wayne
Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.
I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".
Wayne
Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.
Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.
Maybe it's his pride, eh?
M-maybe he just don't trust us.
Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]
I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...
Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.
There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...
Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!
All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]
Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Wayne
Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
[Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
Wayne
'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Wayne
Oh, poor old Oz.
Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
Wayne
'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Wayne
Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
[Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.
Wayne
Oh yeah? So what's this then, eh? Plan 349? [Chuckles] I thought you were gonna level with Brenda.
I am, I am! Just wanna do it in me own time. Don't wanna spoil me homecoming, do I?
Wayne
Hello? Anyone expecting a telegram? [Laughs]
[Struggling] Oh, no, don't give me a hand, anybody, will you(?) No, no, it's alright... [Sets off the horn on his bike with his gut] I'll just bloody rupture meself, that's all!
What's the score then, Barry? Into motocross? [The lads laugh. Barry doesn't as he sets the bike in the middle of the hut.]
Old Faithful here's gonna get me to Jeddah, ain't she? So I think I'd better give her a complete service before I set off.
You're not ridin' that all the way to Saudi Arabia?!
Nah, nah. I thought I might run alongside it, ya nerk(!)
Wayne
'Ere, hold on, Barry. This is all a bit previous, ain't it? I mean it's alright for you lot, you can all go your separate ways at the weekend, right? But this is still my home. I know it's the pits, but I don't want it turned into the pits. Know what I mean?
Don't worry, I'll be tidy. I used to be able to build whole Meccano sets on a tea tray, y'know, without losing one single piece, yeah?
Wayne
[Gets up and gets a tea-tray from atop a cupboard] If so much as one nut or bolt strays off this tray, son, it's on yer bike! [Flings the tray at Barry, who catches it.]
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
Wayne
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
Wayne
[On the phone] Barry? ...It's Wayne. Yeah! [Laughs] How are ya, my son? ...Congratulations! Always had faith in you, Barry, no matter what the rest of 'em said! I'd like to think my counselling may have contributed to this startling development! ...I'm on me way, son. I'm on me way. ...I dunno, some naff caff up the M1. ...'Ere, don't you start without me, will ya? ...Of course I won't embarrass your Hazel. I'm a married man meself now, ain't I? ...Yeah. Two years. Changed character, Barry. ...I dunno, about six I should reckon. Your round. Catch you later!
Wayne
All right, girls? [They stop and turn round.] Which way are you going then, eh? D'you need a ride?
PPippa
Erm... Fishguard. Is that on your way?
Wayne
...It's near enough, innit? [They get in the back seat of Wayne's car.]
I always thought that wrestling was rigged.
If that's the case, Neville, how come I always bloody well lose? [They laugh]
Here, chief. What d'you want, Nev?
Er, I'll have a large Scotch and no ice, thanks. [Leaves the money on the bar and goes off to the toilet.]
Right. A pint and a half of bitter, a large Scotch, no ice. [Den leaves the bar.] Den's knocking back the hard stuff. Or is it just the excitement of the occasion?
Ah, I've hardly seen him, Bomb, actually. Oh, mind, I did have a drink with him last week and he was knocking back the Scotches at dinner time.
Oh, it's all right if you can afford it.
Course he went back to the family and that, but it never worked out.
Is that right? So he gives up Dagmar and ends up with nothing. It must have hurt him pretty hard.
Wayne
[Comes to the bar] Look, lads, I've been addressing meself to the problems of accomodation. Apparently, there's a B&B down the road, or there's a lovely motel half a mile past the roundabout.
Wayne
Yeah, I fancy the latter meself. [The pub phone rings.]
Neville I thought we were all goin' for a curry.
Wayne
Oh, no, Nev. I'm gonna give the vindaloo a miss. I've never found it much conducive to romance.
Barman [Having answered the phone] Is there a Dennis Patterson here?
Aye. That must be Dennis. [Dennis returns to the bar] Den, there's a phone call for you.
It cannae be for me, man. Naebody knows I'm here.
Are you Dennis Patterson?
Aye. [The barman signals for Dennis to come round to the phone. Dennis does so.] Hello?
So where are we staying then, Nev?
Eh? I dunno. Barry's, I suppose.
Wayne
There ain't many amenities, mate. If I were you, I'd come with us. I might need a bit of, er... immoral support. [Tipping his head to the hitchhikers. Dennis returns to the bar.]
Who was that, Den? Was it Norma?
[Downing his Scotch] No. He'd rather we went across to see him. Yeah... he's been breathalysed! [He and Neville laugh.]
Wayne
All right, Den? You're keen.
Wayne
To get to work, it's only twenty past eight, I wasn't planning on going in 'til ten meself.
Nah, I'm not going, Wayne. Me sister rang, I've to shoot back home. Back.
Wayne
Nothing serious, is it?
No, nah. Just, er, summat I have to deal with. Look, I tell you what, er... look, give Barry my apologies, will yer? And er... wish him all the best, okay, mate? [Pats Wayne's arm and turns to leave.]
Wayne
Hey, Den! [Dennis stops in his tracks.] Nice to see you, mate.
Oh, sorry. [Shakes Wayne's hand] Nice to see you too, mate. Aye?
Wayne
[Calling after Dennis] Try and get back at the weekend, eh? Might be a giggle! [Dennis leaves the motel. Wayne goes to reception.]
RReceptionist
[To Wayne] Oh, Sir?
Wayne
Yeah?
RReceptionist
The two young ladies in Room 216...
Wayne
Oh, yeah. Could you give 'em a bell, please? Tell 'em I'm on me way to breakfast?
RReceptionist
Well, they have checked out, sir.
Wayne
[His face falls] They've what?
RReceptionist
Well they said that you'll be paying their bill.
Sorry I missed Den. Scarcely said a word to him last night.
Wayne
Well, none of us did, he was that pissed.
He never used to knock it back like that. Not Scotch, anyhow.
Wayne
Never used to drive a Jag, did he?
[Admiring Wayne's car's interior] Well, you can't complain. Fancy motor, this.
Wayne
Yeah well, I earnt it, didn't I, Bomb? Little present to meself after six bleedin' months in the Arctic Circle.
Wayne
Yeah... but it weren't just that. There was nowhere to bleedin' spend it, was there? I mean, d'you know, our only diversions was tapes and videos.
[Spotting a blonde lady waiting to cross the road] What did you do about sex?
Wayne
Not a lot. D'you know how hard it is to catch a penguin?
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
