SSister
Oh, you come again?
Yeah. Er... have you moved him?
SSister
I'm sorry, he's died.
NevilleEh?
Neville
But... he was only... here yesterday.
SSister
Of course, but...
Here, Neville, well, I mean...
SSister
One minute. [She goes to the bed and picks up Hedley's belongings.]
Like the Sister says, you know, it was... for the best. It was expected.
SSister
He has no family in Germany since his wife's death.
NNurse
[Passing through with pillowcases] Vorsicht! Vorsicht! Darf ich bitte vorbei. Danke schön. (Excuse me! Excuse me! Can I get through, please? Thank you very much.)
SSister
So, perhaps you wish to take this.
Oh. Okay then, thanks. [Takes Hedley's belongings from the Sister.]
SSister
He was looking at these before he... It was the last thing he was holding.
Really? [The Sister leaves the ward.]
Neville
[Upset] I cannae believe it.
Aye. It shakes you up a bit, son, doesn't it?
Neville
[Sitting on the bed] I've, erm, I've never experienced death before. Not first hand. I mean, me dad died, but I was just a nipper. A few relatives I hardly knew.
[Opening the envelope] Yeah, well... we barely knew him, I mean, did we?
Neville
No, but we were gettin' to know him though, weren't we? And then, next day, just like that...
Yer see, Neville, I mean, you're a young lad, you know. You go to christenings and weddings. You know, once you start gettin' a bit older, you... you get used to goin' to funerals, yer kna.
Neville
I suppose so. [Dennis takes out the items in the envelope.] What's those?
Oh, some old, er, postcards. [He looks through them] The Lake District... Vale of Evesham... Hey, yer kna, despite what the old bugger said, I reckon, er... he missed England after all, yer know.
Neville
Where will he be buried, Dennis?
Well, here, I suppose. I mean, he didn't have anybody else, did he?
Neville
He had a sister.
[Looks at Neville] So what?
Neville
I think he'd have wanted to go back home.
No, no. Of course. You did the right thing, Wayne, in the circumstances. ...Well, I mean, especially if she... if she feels like that about it. ...No, I'll phone the undertakers. Er, it'll not have left yet.
Neville
Poor old Hedley, eh?
"Poor old Hedley"? You're jokin', aren't yer? He were a right little rascal. Aye, he made a fool of us right enough!
He must have fooled a lot more over the years.
He was a little waster, Bomber. He wasn't cashiered, yer kna. Court martialled, man.
Neville
I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in. Especially Oz.
Hey, Oz'll be at the airport, I've have to get after him. [Puts down his trowel and starts to run off]
Neville
Oh, aye, aye.
Wait a minute, Den. [Den stops.] Old Bomber may be on the slow side, but he's given Oz a lot of thought these last few days.
He had some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos.
Neville
Porno videos?
[Thinking back to earlier in the week...] "Adult. Liable to give offence."
I knows that 'cos I saw them in his locker.
Well, I know they're not there now, 'cos I looked. And I don't want you to think I'm being vindictive just 'cos he mangled my foot, but they're gone. And so's the coffin.
Neville
The coffin [Finally putting 2 and 2 together...] Oh, hey, I cannae believe that, Bomber!
Can't you, Neville? Eh? Big-hearted Oz, all of a sudden? Sick grandads in London? Makes sense to me!
Now let's look at it this way. If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worthwhile. But if he's been having us on, he deserves everything he gets!
Neville
[Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)
[Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Neville
Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)
Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)
Neville
Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)
Neville
[Consulting the phrase book] Aye.
[Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.
'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.
Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)
Neville
Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.
We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?
No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.
[Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.
Neville
[Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.
Neville
[Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!
Neville
He must've took it back again!
Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.
Neville
He never asked, though. He makes me mad!
He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.
Neville
[Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]
Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.
Neville
I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?
Er, down the Tivoli, it was.
Neville
Right. I'm off down there.
Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.
Neville
Bollocks! [Leaves again.]
Strange quirk of fate this, isn'it? Y'know? I mean... who'd have thought that me, who's always hated Krauts...
[Not understanding] You've always hated what?
Er... Crowds. Crowds. Traffic. I've always liked the countryside, yer know.
Oh. I too. But you were saying about fate.
Yeah, well, I mean, who would've thought that I'd be expanding the family empire here in Germany?
Well, in a hut. Y'see, we couldn't get any decent hostel accommodation because it co... [Trying to keep to his story] Oh, right! Where will I live? Erm... well... in the mountains, over a river, yer know. A small castle would just about do it. After all, I'm all alone. Where do you live, Uli?
Oh... please, I'd rather not talk about me.
You're not married, are yer?
Oh, right, aye. Dennis is gettin' a divorce. That's Dennis, one of the lads who works for us, yer know. Oh, it's costin' him a fortune in maintenance.
I try to be independent with money. I have my own job.
Oh, right, right. Well, that's a canny job, isn'it? Hey, listen, you'll have to do me toenails sometime!
[Chuckles] It's hard to be independent with a jealous boyfriend.
[Taken aback somewhat] Boyfriend? [Uli nods] What, is he... a big bloke, is he?
[Hesitantly] Yes... but he's not so important as you are. I've wanted to leave him for a long time, but, er... he's very possessive.
Well, I can be very possessive meself, yer know, when I have to be! I can be when the need arises...
Neville
[Entering the lounge] Oz, I want a word with you. [Sees Uli] Oh, excuse me, pet. Er, I just want a quick word with the chief here.
Oh, is this one of your men?
Er... yeah, one of the lads. That's aboot it. [Reaches into his pocket]
So, you are in Oz's company?
Neville
Aye, day and night(!)
Yeah, well, look, er... I kna what yer after, son. Listen... [Hands out a fifty mark note] Will fifty do yer?
Neville
[Taking the money] Oh... thanks, Oz. You're a gentleman!
I kna, I kna, but, yer kna... there's no need to tell everybody aboot it, man.
Neville
Right, er... good night, miss.
Now, don't be late in the mornin', will yer? [Neville leaves the bar, a bit confused] Young and daft, yer kna. [Raises his beer] Cheers!
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Neville
Das ist ein grosse Bier.
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
This is for the best, this!
She gave us a present, didn't she?
Neville
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?
Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)
[Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)
He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.
Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.
Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]
[Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!
Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?
Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.
Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?
Neville
What's wrong with the Abduls?
Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.
Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.
That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.
They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]
Neville
So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?
Neville
Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.
Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?
Neville
No...
I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.
Neville
Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.
What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!
Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
Neville
Well, I like pink.
Neville
When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
Sounds like a bloody council estate.
Neville
What's wrong with that?
You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Neville
Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
And that'll make him see red, won't it?
Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
Guten Abend, mein Herren.
Ah, you English. The English are always welcome here. I will get someone to take good care of you. [Claps his hands] Won't be long. [Out comes the masseuse. It's Uli, but Bomber doesn't know.]
[As he goes into the back] Have we met before, my dear?
I do not think so. My name is Uli. [The penny drops with Bomber.]
He does look relaxed, eh? Done your neck the power of good, has it, sunshine?
[To the barman] Can I have one here, chief? [Asks the others] Is Oz around?
Nah. He's, er... over the hut, helpin' with the decorating.
Neville
Lyin' on his bed, criticising!
He's very good at interior decor, our Oz(!) [He, Dennis and Neville laugh]
Neville
[Noticing Bomber is a little bit quiet] What's the matter, Bomb?
It's a bit awkward, and I think this should go no further.
Neville
I thought you'd went to a massage parlour, eh?
Neville
She works there?!
Head girl, by the looks of it.
I don't believe it. I met her through that Heidi, you know?
What, is she in that game as well?
Nah, nah, nah. She works on the cosmetic counter at Millers, she does. Well, at least I hope she does. Certainly smells like it!
Look, are you sure it was her, Bomber?
Her name was Uli, and I recognised her from the photograph.
Neville
So... she's not a beauty consultant?
Well, what do you think she does 'round there, son, eh? Facials?
It gets worse. According to my mate Dieter, who took me there, her boyfriend's the bloke that owns the place. Nasty piece of work, he looks.
Neville
So, she lied to 'im.
That makes two of 'em, doesn't it?
Well, I call it poetic jutsice meself.
Neville
Are we ganna tell 'im?
[Noticing everyone looking at him] I suppose I'll have to, eh?
Neville
Oz might be very upset, yer kna. Emotionally, like.
That's a sobering thought, ain't it, eh?
Neville
They're at it again.
Every time they see Oz it's a big joke. [Shouts down to the Turks] 'Ey! What's so funny, eh? [The Turks continue to laugh and jeer] Ho ho ho(!) [Confused, the lads climb down the ladder.] Oi... Here, here. Why you laugh at Oz?
TWTurkish worker
This man saying, "Him taking my woman, I cutting him."
TWTurkish worker
I say, "No cutting him. He's our friend, working together", but he says, "No, him taking my woman. I cutting him." Very mad.
Very mad? You can say that again. He's off his bloody rocker!
Shut up, man, Oz! So, how did you change his mind?
TWTurkish worker
I saying quick, "He's not taking your woman. We knowing this man. He's not taking any woman. He have nothing with women!"
TWTurkish worker
We saying, "He nothing for woman, this man."
[To Dennis] What's he talkin' aboot? "Nothing for woman, this man."
TWTurkish worker
So he laugh and go away. [The Turks laugh and turn to carry on with their work, as do Dennis, Neville and Bomber.]
Hey, hey, Dennis? Here, what are they on aboot here?
Oz, they saved your bacon.
[Chuckling] Said you were a poofter! [Everyone laughs, while Oz just looks confused and/or offended]
Neville
Any mail for me, Den?
[Reading his letter] No. No, there's not, Neville.
Neville
I didn't expect none. I got a parcel from Brenda yesterday. She sent us a new jumper. Oh, and some of her sister's birthday cake. We'll have that later.
Neville
It's not bad news, is it?
I don't know what to make of this, frankly.
Neville
How'd you mean?
Well, it's from Vera. It says she wants to come out here.
Neville
Here?
Aye. It says her sister's taking the bairns for the weekend and she could do with the break, and, er, "It would give us a chance to talk things over." What's she mean by that?
Neville
Aye... she probably wants to finalise things, like.
Everything is finalised, man. The divorce has gone through. I dunno what there is to talk about. I mean, the solicitors did all the bloody talkin'. We didn't get a word in edgeways.
Neville
Well, like she says, it'll be a break for her.
Well, if she wants a break, why doesn't her bloke take her somewhere, y'know? Eh? He's the one with the posh new car, good job...
Neville
Ah, he's a very busy man, though, Dennis. Probably can't find the time.
It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Was it what I thought it was?
I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?
[Standing] The toast is Brenda.
[As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Neville
And Brenda's sister.
Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
[Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
Neville
[Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
Neville
Some cake Brenda sent.
That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
Neville
There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
Neville
I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
[As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
Neville
Why?
A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
[With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.
Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.
Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]
So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.
Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!
No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.
Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?
Neville
Don't be ridiculous, Oz!
I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!
Neville
Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.
So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.
Neville
I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.
Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.
I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?
...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.
[turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]
I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.
Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?
I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]
Neville
How's about if I contributed to a German heart disease charity fund, and instead of one of them little flags for me lapel, they put this tattoo on me arm?
Oh, very ingenious, that.
Even Brenda would see through that fairytale, man!
Neville
[Eyeing up Dennis downing the schnapps] I bet Dennis could come up with summat.
[In a drunken stupor] Not a chance.
I dunno, but he's certainly taken hold.
I'll have a word with 'im, he'll talk to me...
[Shouting] Just stop right where you are, Oz!
Come on, Den. We're your mates. Whatever it is, share it with us.
Aye, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, eh? Aye, that was one of Vera's favourite sayings, that was.
Neville
Come on, Den. Snap out of it, man.
[Snapping] "Snap out of it?!" Will you listen to this lad, eh? Have you lot had any idea what it's like bein' kicked out of a marriage? It's like bein' asked to take down all those walls we've been buildin' brick by brick wi' yer bare hands. Imagine what that feels like, yeah? Aye, then imagine what it would be like if they came along and said, "Right, now put 'em all back up again."
Thanks for the offer, Bomber, but you can't. I help you with your problems. Doesn't work the other way 'round. That's how it is! So all of you just, er... [Puts some money on the bar and takes the bottle of schnapps he's been drinking from and starts to leave the bar] ...just do me the only favour you can, will you, eh? Just leave me alone!
Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]
Wayne signed on, then, Oz.
Gotta put up wi' you, have I?
Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)
Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.
Neville
Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]
You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?
Neville
Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]
Howay, man, just pour the tea.
Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.
I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".
Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.
Neville
Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.
Maybe it's his pride, eh?
M-maybe he just don't trust us.
Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]
I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...
Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.
There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...
Neville
Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!
Neville
Oh aye?
All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]
It's a bit of a choker, isn'it?
Neville
Is he gonna be all right?
Aye. They've just sedated him. Had to give him a blood transfusion. Over two litres. It's a good job the ambulance got there so quick.
Neville
What happened, for God's sake?
Oh, there was a bit of a rumble in this Bierkeller with some German lads. Magowan turned up. Oz got his arm slashed with a beer glass.
Neville
Magowan. I might have known! That man could start a fight in an empty house! An' Oz isn't far behind!
You've got it wrong, Neville. It's my fault. I started all the trouble.
Neville
You did?
Doctor, this is one of Mr. Osbourne's colleagues, Neville Hope.
DDoctor
Hello. [Neville shakes her hand]
Neville
How do you do, Doctor?
DDoctor
Your friend is a very lucky man.
Neville
Aye, I know. We're very grateful for what you've done.
DDoctor
Don't thank me for doing my job, Mr. Hope. [She goes into Oz's room] Guten Abend. Ist alles gut? (Good evening. All is well?)
NNurse
Alles gut. (All good.)
DDoctor
I just wish you men could settle arguments without resorting to violence.
Neville
This isn't typical, Doctor.
DDoctor
I see a lot of people injured in stupid drunken fights about football or women.
Yeah... is he going to be all right, then?
DDoctor
Oh, yes. He's lost a lot of blood, but that's been replaced. I've given him a sedative to help him rest. And, er... fortunately the wound isn't too large. He'll have a scar, of course. But, if he wishes, that can be put right.
Neville
Put right?
DDoctor
[As they leave Oz's room] Yes. Cosmetic surgery, skin graft, whatever.
Neville
Oh, I hope you don't mind me askin', Doctor, but while you're here, is there anything I can do about this? [Takes off his coat]
Look, Neville, I don't think this is the right place or time.
Neville
Oz won't mind, Dennis. And I've gotta do somethin' aboot it. [Rolls up his sleeve to show the doctor his tattoo]
Doctor [Glancing briefly at the tattoo] Who is Lotte?
Neville
I don't know. But it's not the wife. That's just the trouble.
DDoctor
So... this is an unwanted souvenir of your time in Germany.
Neville
Very much unwanted. I've already lied to the wife once about it. I bandaged it up and told her it was an injury. I cannae keep doin' that all me life, can I? [The doctor just looks at Neville.]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
