Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
[Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
NevilleCouldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Neville
Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
Neville
I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Neville
Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Neville
Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
[Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Neville
Aye, come on, Dennis.
Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.
Oh yeah? So what's this then, eh? Plan 349? [Chuckles] I thought you were gonna level with Brenda.
Neville
I am, I am! Just wanna do it in me own time. Don't wanna spoil me homecoming, do I?
Hello? Anyone expecting a telegram? [Laughs]
[Struggling] Oh, no, don't give me a hand, anybody, will you(?) No, no, it's alright... [Sets off the horn on his bike with his gut] I'll just bloody rupture meself, that's all!
What's the score then, Barry? Into motocross? [The lads laugh. Barry doesn't as he sets the bike in the middle of the hut.]
Old Faithful here's gonna get me to Jeddah, ain't she? So I think I'd better give her a complete service before I set off.
Neville
You're not ridin' that all the way to Saudi Arabia?!
Nah, nah. I thought I might run alongside it, ya nerk(!)
'Ere, hold on, Barry. This is all a bit previous, ain't it? I mean it's alright for you lot, you can all go your separate ways at the weekend, right? But this is still my home. I know it's the pits, but I don't want it turned into the pits. Know what I mean?
Don't worry, I'll be tidy. I used to be able to build whole Meccano sets on a tea tray, y'know, without losing one single piece, yeah?
[Gets up and gets a tea-tray from atop a cupboard] If so much as one nut or bolt strays off this tray, son, it's on yer bike! [Flings the tray at Barry, who catches it.]
Neville
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
Neville
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Neville
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
Neville
Hey, I can see England!
Oh, aye. That's England alright! Misty, grey cliffs.
Bloody depressing looking place when you think about it, isn't it? I'm surprised the Vikings never turned back!
Neville
Ahh, ye cannae beat it, but.
Can yer not? Not much in store for us when we get back there, is there? Apart from Keegan. No work, no money, no prospects...
Oh, I dunno, Oz. I met a bloke in the bar before, and he reckons they'll be needing bricklayers up our way soon.
Oh, aye? And where's that?
Well, it's just a whisper, like, but he had heard that that, er, they're gonna rebuild Hadrian's Wall! [They all laugh]
Neville
I always thought that wrestling was rigged.
If that's the case, Neville, how come I always bloody well lose? [They laugh]
Here, chief. What d'you want, Nev?
Neville
I'm all right, lads.
Er, I'll have a large Scotch and no ice, thanks. [Leaves the money on the bar and goes off to the toilet.]
Right. A pint and a half of bitter, a large Scotch, no ice. [Den leaves the bar.] Den's knocking back the hard stuff. Or is it just the excitement of the occasion?
Neville
Ah, I've hardly seen him, Bomb, actually. Oh, mind, I did have a drink with him last week and he was knocking back the Scotches at dinner time.
Oh, it's all right if you can afford it.
Neville
Course he went back to the family and that, but it never worked out.
Is that right? So he gives up Dagmar and ends up with nothing. It must have hurt him pretty hard.
[Comes to the bar] Look, lads, I've been addressing meself to the problems of accomodation. Apparently, there's a B&B down the road, or there's a lovely motel half a mile past the roundabout.
Yeah, I fancy the latter meself. [The pub phone rings.]
Neville I thought we were all goin' for a curry.
Oh, no, Nev. I'm gonna give the vindaloo a miss. I've never found it much conducive to romance.
Barman [Having answered the phone] Is there a Dennis Patterson here?
Neville
Aye. That must be Dennis. [Dennis returns to the bar] Den, there's a phone call for you.
Neville
Phone.
It cannae be for me, man. Naebody knows I'm here.
Neville
No, honest.
Are you Dennis Patterson?
Aye. [The barman signals for Dennis to come round to the phone. Dennis does so.] Hello?
So where are we staying then, Nev?
Neville
Eh? I dunno. Barry's, I suppose.
There ain't many amenities, mate. If I were you, I'd come with us. I might need a bit of, er... immoral support. [Tipping his head to the hitchhikers. Dennis returns to the bar.]
Neville
Who was that, Den? Was it Norma?
[Downing his Scotch] No. He'd rather we went across to see him. Yeah... he's been breathalysed! [He and Neville laugh.]
You still, er, married then, Nev?
Neville
Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?
Well... no reason, like. It's just that... well, y'know, the tattoo you had, with the other Judy's name on. Must've thrown a bit of a wobbler over that.
Ah, how'd you explain that one away?
Neville
I didn't. I couldn't. I just... told her the truth. Well... sort of. Said you lot got us drunk and held us down while they did it. She believed us... eventually. We just agreed never to mention it.
He's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Neville
Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Cheap at half the price, son.
You weren't there, were you, Mox?
No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
Neville
I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
[Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
Neville
What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
Neville
Trevor.
Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.
Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!
[Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
Neville
We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
[Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
We thought that was the general idea, like.
Neville
Open plan.
It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
Neville
Sorry.
Neville
We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
[Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
Neville
He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
Didn't sleep a wink all night.
Neville
He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Neville
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Neville
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
Neville
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Neville
Local villain.
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Neville
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
Neville
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Neville
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
Neville
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
Neville
All self-contained, like?
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Neville
Lot of work?
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Neville
Fine by me.
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Neville
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Neville
Where's Oz and Mox?
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Neville
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Neville
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
Neville
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Got any of them pies left, squire?
Have you got anything hot?
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
Neville
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
I resigned six years ago.
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
This place looks all right.
No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
Neville
I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Neville
Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
Yes, I think I can manage that.
Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]
Neville
Mox!
Neville
Where the hell have you been?
I dossed down here last night.
You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
Neville
What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
Neville
Why?
I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Neville
You must be mad, Mox.
Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
Neville
What, arson?
Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
Neville
Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
That's a good idea, that...
Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.
BMrs. Bellamy
Good morning.
Neville
How do.
BMrs. Bellamy
I'm Helen Bellamy. I owe you gentlemen an apology. It was I who sent the policeman here yesterday. I'm afraid I thought you were criminals. [Oz chuckles.]
Neville
I suppose we did look a bit out of place, like, roond here.
BMrs. Bellamy
Mr. Ames, er, talked about doing some work on the house.
Neville
It's not Mr. Ames we're workin' for. This is owned by a Mr. Fraser now.
BMrs. Bellamy
Oh? It's been sold? I never saw any signs. None of the local estate agents had it listed. Of course, Mr. Ames was rather a mystery man. My husband and I met him once when we were raising money for Oxfam. He made a very generous donation. And then one day, we opened the Sunday newspapers and found him described as King Porn!
BMrs. Bellamy
"Is this Britain's most evil man?" one of them asked. We'd always found him perfectly charming.
You cannae gan judging a book by what you see printed on the front cover, pet, can yer?
BMrs. Bellamy
I beg your pardon?
Neville
He's sayin' appearances can be deceptive.
Yeah, y'see these days, a lot of villains become country squires, don't they? You know, mingle with local nobs, take up fox hunting, have sherry with the vicar. Then once a month, they pops down to London and does the old bullion job.
Aye, then they get rumbled, y'see, and dodge over to Spain, divvn't they?
BMrs. Bellamy
Ah, Spain? Yes, where one gathers Mr. Ames now resides.
Neville
Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs..?
BMrs. Bellamy
No.. thank you. Jasper and I must be getting along.
Nice dog, that. I like retrievers.
[Laughs] I would've thought a retriever would be the last sort of dog you'd have fancied, Moxey! [Laughs again]
BMrs. Bellamy
The old house could do with a lick of paint.
Neville
Oh, it's more than that, pet. Big job, this. Conversion.
Neville
Aye. We'll be here a while.
Aye, so you'd better lock up yer daughters! [Chuckles]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
