OzAlright, lads? Pass 'em along. [He puts the beers in front of Dennis to pass down the table.] Hey, it's put wor behind, hasn'it with Pfister being late.
Still salvaged our Friday night though. [Raises his glass to Barry.] Cheers, kid.
We've plenty of time to do a bit of carnage though, Bomb, eh?
Hey, I thought you were putting it aside for your future!
Oh aye, I am, Dennis. Yeah, but I still think, considering under which squallid circumstances we all live, I think it's very important that we, every now and again, you know, just sort of let it all hang out, you know.
That's the main reason yer here, y'see. That's the main reason nearly everybody's here. It's not for the money you send back. You're trying to recapture your adolescence, which you lads missed by gettin' married too young in the first place.
No, not me, Dennis. No. Not married me, no. I like to stay free, you know.
Well, you're the exception, you know what I mean, Barry?
I reckon Den's right. We all took the plunge too soon.
Nineteen, I was. Bloody madness, man.
Oz
Yeah, and your marriage is down the toilet now, isn'it?
Oz
Well, face facts, Dennis. I mean, yer gettin' divorced, aren't ya? I mean, that's why yer shouldn't keep on to me gettin' on my back about my marriage!
Oz, your marriage is a mockery!
Oz
What?!
You admitted yerself you don't even send your Marjorie nothin'!
Oz
We're still together, aren't we?
Oh aye? Gateshead's most stable couple(!)
Oz
Yeah? There's not that much competition up there these days.
Look, we all got hitched for better off or worse! Come the end of the day, I reckons we all knows where our responsibility lies.
Oz
[Noticing a group of ladies walking past their table] Oh, look at that!
I likes it! I wish I were their age!
Oz
Well I'm is their age! [Takes his drink and heads for the ladies.]
Wait for me! [And so does he, leaving Dennis and Barry at the table.]
[Adjusts his tie, blushing] They're... very attractive.
What's got into you, Brenda? ...What do you mean "loonin' around"? ...Of course I'm in the bar, man! That's where the telephone is, isn'it? ...No, there's naebody here but Wayne and Barry playin' cards. ...Eh? Oh, hang on, pet... [puts another coin in the slot] Hang on, man!
[Wayne and Barry are indeed at the bar playing cards.]
[To the barman] Two pils, please. [To Wayne] What about Neville?
[Looks at Neville] He ain't started his first yet. Too busy getting stick from the wife. I dunno, comes in here faithful every Monday, fistful of change, five minutes after the cheap rate starts, rings the missus, good as gold. Gets a verbal bollocking off her. I don't understand married men meself!
I think I know the reason for this.
Yeah, you have a deep-rooted dislike of women. [Wayne is somewhat taken aback by this] Which explains why you have no desire to form a permanent relationship. You're obviously the product of a broken home, right, where you're brought up by parents who fought all the time. [Wayne looks at Barry] I can see you as a child, lyin' awake until the early hours, listenin' to your parents fighting in the living room below. I think a thing like that scars a child for life.
Well I suppose it would, yeah.
Bound to, innit? I thought I'd hit the nail on the 'ead!
So, erm... How comes my folks have just had their silver wedding, then? [Turns over a winning hand with his cards. Barry looks confused.] Don't be so put out, they're over the moon about it!
No, no, you know, I'm chuffed for 'em. Really, yeah. Chuffed.
[Oz enters the bar, having fixed the broken radio he bought earlier]
Oz
Got it workin'.
Oz
Listen to this. [Turns it on, it plays loud music.]
[Turns round, still on the phone] Turn that down will yer?
Oz
Ah, bollocks!
[Back on the phone to Brenda] No, pet! I'm not in a discotheque!
Well, one good thing about a draw, eh? You lot won't take out your triumph or defeat on the innocent bystanders of Belgium, eh?
EErnie
We're not like that, man! We just came on a trip, have a good time.
BBrian
Aye, no bother. Mind you, there's always the lunatic fringe. I mean that lot over there. [Looks over at the group of fans Oz is sat with]
How did you lads get here, then?
EErnie
Plane. We ran three charters from Newcastle. 42 quid an' all. Not bad!
You lads not workin', like?
EErnie
Well, me and Brian are. Just. I was in the shipyards. Riveter. Now I'm driving a furniture van.
BBrian
It's desperate up our way, man.
Why do ya think I'm here?
EErnie
Do ya like it, do ya?
Have no choice! I had me own business, yer kna, jobbing builder. [The group Oz is with start singing loudly] I worked me bollocks off for five years. Made no difference in the end, yer kna, went under. Still owe the Government VAT.
BBrian
I thought I'd work in the oil rigs for a while, meself. That's good money if you don't mind spending your time up in Aberdeen.
Aye, I spend mine up just the same. Dusseldorf, yer kna, Monday nights.
EErnie
Aye, are ya alright up there?
Well, it's worth it, yer kna, despite the drawbacks. [Oz gets up to leave with the rowdy mob.]
Oz
Ere! Dennis! Me and these lads is gan up for some action. Fancy it?
Oz
Ah, I've only got one night, man! There's nae point in stoppin' in one place!
Look, you be at the station eleven o'clock, right? [Oz leaves] Look, the train won't wait for ye, and neither will I! [Turns back to the bar.]
He's one of the drawbacks!
Oz
Morning, campers! Rise and shine!
Oz
Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?
[Waking up] I was fast asleep...
Oz
Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!
[Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!
Oz
I'm back, man.
Thought you'd gone for good.
Oz
Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.
[Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!
Oz
Aye, certainly.
Where'd you spring from, then?
Oz
Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...
Oz
Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.
Aye, I heard you'd been back home.
Oz
How's that, like?
I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.
Oz
Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]
Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!
Oz
...Hey, where's me stereo?
Oz
Well ask next time, eh?
No, it's.. it's mine now.
Oz
What?!
Yeah, I sort of bought it.
Oz
Nae ya didn't!
Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...
Oz
[To Dennis] Yer, well?
Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"
Oz
So what did you do with it?
Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.
Oz
And they're gone an' all! Where are they?
Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.
Oz
An auction?!
It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.
And, er, I got the stereo.
Oz
[Looks round] What a bloody nerve!
No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!
Oz
[Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?
Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.
Oz
Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?
[Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!
[Torrential rain has brought all work on the site to a halt. In the hut, Barry writes a letter, while Wayne, Neville, Bomber and Oz play pontoon with a pack of lewd playing cards. Moxey is in bed with the flu.]
[Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?
[All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]
Oz
Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?
"Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?
Oz
Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?
At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.
Look, are we playing cards or what?
It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.
Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?
Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.
[One of the Turks enters the hut to bring fuel for the stove. He leaves the door open.]
I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]
Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!
Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]
Oz
Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]
[Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.
[As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?
Oz
[Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]
If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! :[The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]
Oz
Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]
Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.
A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.
Oz
Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!
[Meanwhile, Dennis is in the site office. Herr Ulrich enters.]
Er, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.
[Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.
Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.
No, it's not popular with the German workers.
Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?
Well, the weather's very English, I think.
Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.
Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.
Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.
No? Please, read the small print.
Hey, I nearly drowned out there, man!
What's mein Führer say, then?
'Fraid not, bonny lad. Some chippies have got some indoor work, but us lot can forget it.
I was really hoping to put in some overtime this week.
Oz What, to compensate for your pontoon deficits?
Well, a little break won't do us any harm, eh?
Yeah, but Brenda wants to retile the bathroom.
Aye well, you shouldn't play cards, should yer?
I wouldn't be playing if it wasn't raining!
You really reckon Monday, Dennis?
It's Friday now, Barry, and the forecast...
[Checking the change in his hand] I'd better phone her I suppose.
Oz
Nae bother, man. Just reverse the charges. It's only England.
I was really counting on that extra.
It's bound to happen, man. It happens at home, doesn't it, the weather?
[Getting up] If that's the word then, I know a young Fräulein who won't be too upset. I'd better press me old whistle, haven't I, eh?
It's one of them things, Neville, man, yer kna. We might as well make the most of it.
...I dunno. Somethin'. Pictures, eh? Hey, we could hire a car, couldn't we? Drive off overnight, like. [Sits at the table where Oz is still fiddling with the deck of cards]
Oz
Hey, how far's Berlin?
Oz
Berlin, man. Can we gan to Berlin, Den? I've always wanted to gan to Berlin.
Oz
Well, I divvn't kna, man. I mean it's, er... It's historic, isn'it? I mean it's interesting. After all, it is Berlin, isn'it?
It's probably raining there an' all.
Oz
No, no, man. But think of it. Berlin, man! Yer kna, spies, the war, Hitler's bunker...
Oz
Ahh, do us a favour, man, Bomber.
Hey, you could gan to East Berlin, Oz.
Oz
What? Behind the Iron Curtain?
Oz
Right!
Let's all spend the weekend in East Berlin.
Oz
Sound.
Apparently, it's the most miserable, depressing place you've ever seen in yer life.
[Oz and Dennis ruminate on the thefts in the bar.]
Oz
Bad for morale this, Den.
Oz
Why man, the morale of our hut.
[Incredulous] The morale of our hut?! We're not prisoners of war, man, keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity. Ey, you live in a dream world, you do, Oz.
Oz
Well, what I'm sayin' is we're all mates, I mean, there's a certain sort of character to our group. That's it, we've got character.
You live with a hut full of overgrown adolescents who are either boozing or moaning. But if you think that's character... [To barman] Zwei Bier, bitte.
Oz
Yeah, but we trust each other, I'll admit it. That's the point. That trust's in danger of... evaporating with a thing like this.
Hey, I didn't kna you put such store in trust, Oz.
Oz
I do that. I mean without it, where are we? In the jungle.
So you're convinced nobody in our hut's a thief?
Oz
Well, I kna. When yous were all havin' a shower, I went through everybody's locker.
Oz
Well, somebody had to!
Hey, what about this trust you're on about?
Oz
Well, It proves me point, doesn'it?
Hey, you're a queer one, you, lad.
Oz
Well, not so much of the queer, mate. Anyway, cheers.
Cheers. ...You found nothin' then?
Oz
I tell yer, the sum total of all our possessions wouldn't fetch a fart at a bring-and-buy sale. We're a pretty threadbare bunch, Dennis.
D'yer think we should bring furniture with wor, eh? Cushion covers, d'yer think that'll be good for the morale of our hut?
Oz
Howay, man.
You're a big daft thing, you, lad.
Oz
Hey, I'm shrewder than what you think. I was readin' this spy book, where this agent coats these secret documents with that special stuff, right? It's unseen to the human eye, but it comes up on your hand the next day. So, he knas which one of the passengers has taken the documents.
Oz
Aye, they're on this boat, y'see, bound for Tangiers.
We're in a hut, man, we're bound for bloody nowhere!
Oz
Look, it's just a simple lotion what oxidises. You can buy it in any chemist's or security store. Now, we could coat some cash, leave it lyin' around...
None of us have got any money.
Oz
You won't take me seriously, will yer? I wanna nick this thief. He took my watch in case you forgot!
It wasn't a very special watch, was it?
Oz
It worked underwater, Dennis!
[To Neville] Look, I'm not accusing you of anything.
Yeah y'are, you all are! I come in here, it's like the Spanish inquisition! It's none of your business!
I think it is, bonny lad.
But if I pinched Oz's watch, how much would that've fetched at the pawn shop?
Oz
Ay, it was a canny watch, that, man!
Oh, and I've just pretended to have me money pinched to cover up? Ohh, howay.
Look, just hear me out, will yer? Look, you are the last person in the world to steal anything, right...
Oz
But yer have got money troubles.
[To Oz] Shut up! [To Neville] So, if you're desperate enough to get into hock, I'd like to know about it, 'cos I'd like to help.
Oz
Well, personally I don't think he's got anything of any personal value...
Oh, he still thinks I took his bloody watch!
Oz, don't be a prick all your bloody life! Take an hour off, will yer?
Look, it's nobody's business but me own! [Frustrated, he sits on his bed.]
Listen, Nev, what Dennis says goes for all of us. I mean, if you're strapped or in a jam or something, we'd like to help you out. I mean, that's the word, innit, lads?
Absolutely. [The lads murmur.] Look, we're all in your corner, kid. [Sits on the bed next to Neville]
Look, you don't have to tell...
Oz
Naw, let 'im get it off 'is chest, man!
I met this lass, y'see. Nothin' special, but I didn't want to know 'cos I knew what you'd all think.
Nobody you'd know. Anyway... I met her, right. And when I seen her yesterday, she gave us this present, er... a bit of jewellery, a keepsake, like. Then this mornin' I gets a letter from Brenda and... it just brought home how short wor are, or... how short she is, and then... so... I pawned the lass's present.
Oz
Oh, charming(!)
I know it wasn't a very nice thing to do, but like you say I was strapped. I got twenty-five quid for it, and that's nearly what I had pinched. It's one way of lookin' at it, isn'it?
[Happy with Neville's explanation] Right. That's all that sorted out! Let's all go over to the greasy spoon, eh, and drink to this satisfactory conclusion. [To Oz, sarcastically] Eh, good the the morale of our hut? Eh? [The lads make their way out, except Wayne and Neville]
Here, Nev. You gotta get that thing out of hock. Sentimental reasons, innit? Look, I'll loan you the readies, and you pay me back.
No, you're all right. How about tomorrow lunch? You on?
Well, I do feel a bit bad about it. But... I couldn't give it to Brenda! Where would she think I got the money from?
Later. I mean a birthday or something. Coming, then?
All right! Coming down the pub?
[Getting up] You would've liked her, Wayne.
Blimey! What's this? [Picks up a bank note off the floor.] Who's dropped this? Look. Is this yours, then? [Passes the note to Bomber]
Oh-ho, I wish it was, boyo! [Passes it to Dennis]
It's 100 Marks! Hey, somebody's flush [Passes it to Wayne]
Or bleedin' careless. [Passes it to Moxey]
Let's have a look. [Does so, then passes it to Neville] 100 Deutschmarks.
100 Alfreds? That's worth about twenty-five quid, ah. [The lads drunkenly giggle, but no-one owns up to dropping the money. Neville leaves the 100 Mark note on the table]
Hey, close the door, will ya? It's worse than the bloody Arctic! [Wayne goes to close the door, but as he does, Oz grabs hold of his wrist.]
Oz
Got 'im!
You naffin' lunatic! What's goin' on?
Oz
Look at this! [Holding up Wayne's hand, covered in green stains]
What are you on about? [The others wake up]
Oz
I've caught the thief.
[Breaks free from Oz's grasp] You lunatic!
Oz
Look, last night I coated this note with this special stuff, right? Dennis knows what I'm talkin' about. The next day it stains your fingers, right? [Grabs Wayne's hand and holds it up again] Look at the evidence!
Oz
I doctored this note, didn't I?
But the note's over there, ain't it? [Points to the 100 Mark note still on the table. The Turk also notices.]
[Looking at his stained hands] Hey, what's this?
[Looking at his hands too] I've got it as well.
[Also examining his hands] Eurgh!
Hey, does this come out? [While all the lads are checking their hands, the Turk - the real culprit - takes the 100 Mark note from the table, completely unnoticed by the lads, and exits the hut.]
[Looking at his hands, as is Bomber] Oh, no.
Oz
I don't get this.
Does this come off? I've got a tattoo on me arm I don't want, and now I've got green fingers! [Oz just looks confused.]
Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.
Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.
Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.
Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?
Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)
Oz
Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?
That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)
Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.
Oz
[Turns to Barry] What's roughage?
Oz
[Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?
Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]
Oz
Oh! Senna pods, like?
Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.
Oz
Oh.
Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.
[Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.
Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.
Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?
Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]
Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.
My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?
You see, fellas, the thing about Indian food is, right, that it's very, very, very low in carbohydrate. So that, combined with the various herbs and spices used in the cooking process, it all makes up for a very, very healthy diet, you see?
Oz
[Holding a stein of beer] Oh, aye? So how come they're all so skinny, then?
They're not skinny. They're wiry, man, like whippets.
[To Oz, pointing at his stomach] Yeah, that's what you'd be like you'd be without that ale gut.
Oz
[Glances at his beer belly] Hey, hey! This is all muscle, this, son. Yer kna, like the stuff between your lugs? [The second waiter arrives with their meal.] Ah, here we go! Four steamin' hot chicken curries!
Oz, er, far be it from me to cast aspersions on your undoubted talent as a mime artist, but, er... that's not chicken. It's prawn. [Picks up a prawn]
Oz
Prawn?!
Ah, yer kna, man. Prawn. [Squawks like a chicken and flaps his elbows. Moxey laughs]
Oz
[To Moxey] What are ye laughin' at?
[To Oz] Take this man's name, Oz. He's late.
I couldn't get the bed off me back this morning. I dunno what's the matter with us! I'm never usually this bad of a Monday morning.
What time did you come in last night, like? You must have been late 'cos I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there.
It's just as well, isn'it? Or else the lads might talk.
Just answer the question, eh?
Half one? What were you doing 'til half one?
I was out. In town. Walkin', like.
Aye, well, I suppose it's one way of savin' up money.
Aye, and keepin' fit. [To Oz] Hey, hoy us that bolster, will you, Oz? [Oz doesn't respond.] Oz? [Goes over and picks it up himself] Give us that bolster, man! [To Dennis] What's the matter with him? Did he fall out of the wrong side of the coffin?
Aye, well, y'see, Oz reckons that you're letting the hut spirit down by goin' off on yer own, so as a mark of his disapproval, he's sent you to Coventry. Or whatever the German equivalent of Coventry is!
Oz
Dresden.
Bomber's daughter's here.
Oz
Where? Here?
Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!
Oz
Where is she?
Oz
[Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.
Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.
Oz
Hello!
Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.
Oz
[Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".
Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?
Oz
Right, yeah.
[To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?
Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.
Oz
Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]
Oz
Well, she's just said...
Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]
So, how'd you get here, then, pet?
I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]
Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.
Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!
Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?
There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.
Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?
Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.
Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?
Oz
[Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!
Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?
The pool's empty just now, pet.
Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?
Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?
Oz
[Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!
Right. Take Tracy inside, Wayne.
Here, love, come on. [Tracy enters, followed by Wayne. Dennis shuts the door behind them.]
Right, Neville, listen. Nip over and warn Barry and Moxey we've got a lady guest, right? That means no swearing, no swanning around bare-arsed, no... [Quieter] No breaking wind, right, unless it's underneath the sheets. Okay? [Neville rushes off.] All that aplies to you, Oz. In fact, especially to you.
Oz
All right, all right, I know how to go on, man.
And another thing, an' all, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off yer locker, right?
Oz
That's not pornography, Dennis. That's art!
Oz
Aye.
Look, I'm gan out to phone Bomber, right? Just get them off!
Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
WWaiter
Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Oz
Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
Oz
All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
AAll
Goodness gracious me!
[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
Oz
So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
Oz
I still dunno where Minorca is.
How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
How much do ya need, then?
That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oz
Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
AAll
[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Oz
Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
