[Torrential rain has brought all work on the site to a halt. In the hut, Barry writes a letter, while Wayne, Neville, Bomber and Oz play pontoon with a pack of lewd playing cards. Moxey is in bed with the flu.]
[Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?
[All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]
Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?
"Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?
Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?
At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.
Look, are we playing cards or what?
It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.
Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?
Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.
[One of the Turks enters the hut to bring fuel for the stove. He leaves the door open.]
I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]
Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!
Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]
Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]
[Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.
[As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?
[Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]
If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! :[The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]
Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]
Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.
A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.
Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!
[Meanwhile, Dennis is in the site office. Herr Ulrich enters.]
DennisEr, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.
[Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.
Dennis
Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.
No, it's not popular with the German workers.
Dennis
Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?
Well, the weather's very English, I think.
Dennis
Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.
Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.
Dennis
Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.
No? Please, read the small print.
Dennis
Hey, I nearly drowned out there, man!
What's mein Führer say, then?
Dennis
No work 'til Monday.
Dennis
'Fraid not, bonny lad. Some chippies have got some indoor work, but us lot can forget it.
I was really hoping to put in some overtime this week.
Oz What, to compensate for your pontoon deficits?
Dennis
Well, a little break won't do us any harm, eh?
Yeah, but Brenda wants to retile the bathroom.
Dennis
Aye well, you shouldn't play cards, should yer?
I wouldn't be playing if it wasn't raining!
You really reckon Monday, Dennis?
Dennis
It's Friday now, Barry, and the forecast...
[Checking the change in his hand] I'd better phone her I suppose.
Nae bother, man. Just reverse the charges. It's only England.
I was really counting on that extra.
Dennis
It's bound to happen, man. It happens at home, doesn't it, the weather?
[Getting up] If that's the word then, I know a young Fräulein who won't be too upset. I'd better press me old whistle, haven't I, eh?
Dennis
It's one of them things, Neville, man, yer kna. We might as well make the most of it.
Dennis
...I dunno. Somethin'. Pictures, eh? Hey, we could hire a car, couldn't we? Drive off overnight, like. [Sits at the table where Oz is still fiddling with the deck of cards]
Berlin, man. Can we gan to Berlin, Den? I've always wanted to gan to Berlin.
Well, I divvn't kna, man. I mean it's, er... It's historic, isn'it? I mean it's interesting. After all, it is Berlin, isn'it?
It's probably raining there an' all.
No, no, man. But think of it. Berlin, man! Yer kna, spies, the war, Hitler's bunker...
Ahh, do us a favour, man, Bomber.
Dennis
Hey, you could gan to East Berlin, Oz.
What? Behind the Iron Curtain?
Dennis
Aye.
Dennis
Let's all spend the weekend in East Berlin.
Dennis
Apparently, it's the most miserable, depressing place you've ever seen in yer life.
[Oz and Dennis ruminate on the thefts in the bar.]
Bad for morale this, Den.
Dennis
What morale?
Why man, the morale of our hut.
Dennis
[Incredulous] The morale of our hut?! We're not prisoners of war, man, keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of adversity. Ey, you live in a dream world, you do, Oz.
Well, what I'm sayin' is we're all mates, I mean, there's a certain sort of character to our group. That's it, we've got character.
Dennis
You live with a hut full of overgrown adolescents who are either boozing or moaning. But if you think that's character... [To barman] Zwei Bier, bitte.
Yeah, but we trust each other, I'll admit it. That's the point. That trust's in danger of... evaporating with a thing like this.
Dennis
Hey, I didn't kna you put such store in trust, Oz.
I do that. I mean without it, where are we? In the jungle.
Dennis
So you're convinced nobody in our hut's a thief?
Well, I kna. When yous were all havin' a shower, I went through everybody's locker.
Dennis
You did what?!
Dennis
Hey, what about this trust you're on about?
Well, It proves me point, doesn'it?
Dennis
Hey, you're a queer one, you, lad.
Well, not so much of the queer, mate. Anyway, cheers.
Dennis
Cheers. ...You found nothin' then?
I tell yer, the sum total of all our possessions wouldn't fetch a fart at a bring-and-buy sale. We're a pretty threadbare bunch, Dennis.
Dennis
D'yer think we should bring furniture with wor, eh? Cushion covers, d'yer think that'll be good for the morale of our hut?
Dennis
You're a big daft thing, you, lad.
Hey, I'm shrewder than what you think. I was readin' this spy book, where this agent coats these secret documents with that special stuff, right? It's unseen to the human eye, but it comes up on your hand the next day. So, he knas which one of the passengers has taken the documents.
Dennis
Passengers?
Aye, they're on this boat, y'see, bound for Tangiers.
Dennis
We're in a hut, man, we're bound for bloody nowhere!
Look, it's just a simple lotion what oxidises. You can buy it in any chemist's or security store. Now, we could coat some cash, leave it lyin' around...
Dennis
None of us have got any money.
You won't take me seriously, will yer? I wanna nick this thief. He took my watch in case you forgot!
Dennis
It wasn't a very special watch, was it?
It worked underwater, Dennis!
Dennis
[To Neville] Look, I'm not accusing you of anything.
Yeah y'are, you all are! I come in here, it's like the Spanish inquisition! It's none of your business!
Dennis
I think it is, bonny lad.
But if I pinched Oz's watch, how much would that've fetched at the pawn shop?
Ay, it was a canny watch, that, man!
Oh, and I've just pretended to have me money pinched to cover up? Ohh, howay.
Dennis
Look, just hear me out, will yer? Look, you are the last person in the world to steal anything, right...
But yer have got money troubles.
Dennis
[To Oz] Shut up! [To Neville] So, if you're desperate enough to get into hock, I'd like to know about it, 'cos I'd like to help.
Well, personally I don't think he's got anything of any personal value...
Oh, he still thinks I took his bloody watch!
Dennis
Oz, don't be a prick all your bloody life! Take an hour off, will yer?
Look, it's nobody's business but me own! [Frustrated, he sits on his bed.]
Listen, Nev, what Dennis says goes for all of us. I mean, if you're strapped or in a jam or something, we'd like to help you out. I mean, that's the word, innit, lads?
Dennis
Absolutely. [The lads murmur.] Look, we're all in your corner, kid. [Sits on the bed next to Neville]
Dennis
Look, you don't have to tell...
Naw, let 'im get it off 'is chest, man!
I met this lass, y'see. Nothin' special, but I didn't want to know 'cos I knew what you'd all think.
Nobody you'd know. Anyway... I met her, right. And when I seen her yesterday, she gave us this present, er... a bit of jewellery, a keepsake, like. Then this mornin' I gets a letter from Brenda and... it just brought home how short wor are, or... how short she is, and then... so... I pawned the lass's present.
I know it wasn't a very nice thing to do, but like you say I was strapped. I got twenty-five quid for it, and that's nearly what I had pinched. It's one way of lookin' at it, isn'it?
Dennis
[Happy with Neville's explanation] Right. That's all that sorted out! Let's all go over to the greasy spoon, eh, and drink to this satisfactory conclusion. [To Oz, sarcastically] Eh, good the the morale of our hut? Eh? [The lads make their way out, except Wayne and Neville]
Here, Nev. You gotta get that thing out of hock. Sentimental reasons, innit? Look, I'll loan you the readies, and you pay me back.
No, you're all right. How about tomorrow lunch? You on?
Well, I do feel a bit bad about it. But... I couldn't give it to Brenda! Where would she think I got the money from?
Later. I mean a birthday or something. Coming, then?
All right! Coming down the pub?
[Getting up] You would've liked her, Wayne.
Blimey! What's this? [Picks up a bank note off the floor.] Who's dropped this? Look. Is this yours, then? [Passes the note to Bomber]
Oh-ho, I wish it was, boyo! [Passes it to Dennis]
Dennis
It's 100 Marks! Hey, somebody's flush [Passes it to Wayne]
Or bleedin' careless. [Passes it to Moxey]
Let's have a look. [Does so, then passes it to Neville] 100 Deutschmarks.
100 Alfreds? That's worth about twenty-five quid, ah. [The lads drunkenly giggle, but no-one owns up to dropping the money. Neville leaves the 100 Mark note on the table]
Hey, close the door, will ya? It's worse than the bloody Arctic! [Wayne goes to close the door, but as he does, Oz grabs hold of his wrist.]
You naffin' lunatic! What's goin' on?
Look at this! [Holding up Wayne's hand, covered in green stains]
What are you on about? [The others wake up]
[Breaks free from Oz's grasp] You lunatic!
Dennis
What's goin' on?
Look, last night I coated this note with this special stuff, right? Dennis knows what I'm talkin' about. The next day it stains your fingers, right? [Grabs Wayne's hand and holds it up again] Look at the evidence!
I doctored this note, didn't I?
But the note's over there, ain't it? [Points to the 100 Mark note still on the table. The Turk also notices.]
[Looking at his stained hands] Hey, what's this?
Dennis
[Looking at his hands too] I've got it as well.
[Also examining his hands] Eurgh!
Hey, does this come out? [While all the lads are checking their hands, the Turk - the real culprit - takes the 100 Mark note from the table, completely unnoticed by the lads, and exits the hut.]
[Looking at his hands, as is Bomber] Oh, no.
Does this come off? I've got a tattoo on me arm I don't want, and now I've got green fingers! [Oz just looks confused.]
Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.
Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.
Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.
Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?
Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)
Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?
Dennis
That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)
Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.
[Turns to Barry] What's roughage?
[Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?
Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]
Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.
Dennis
Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.
[Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.
Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.
Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?
Dennis
Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]
Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.
My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?
You see, fellas, the thing about Indian food is, right, that it's very, very, very low in carbohydrate. So that, combined with the various herbs and spices used in the cooking process, it all makes up for a very, very healthy diet, you see?
[Holding a stein of beer] Oh, aye? So how come they're all so skinny, then?
Dennis
They're not skinny. They're wiry, man, like whippets.
[To Oz, pointing at his stomach] Yeah, that's what you'd be like you'd be without that ale gut.
[Glances at his beer belly] Hey, hey! This is all muscle, this, son. Yer kna, like the stuff between your lugs? [The second waiter arrives with their meal.] Ah, here we go! Four steamin' hot chicken curries!
Dennis
Oz, er, far be it from me to cast aspersions on your undoubted talent as a mime artist, but, er... that's not chicken. It's prawn. [Picks up a prawn]
Dennis
Ah, yer kna, man. Prawn. [Squawks like a chicken and flaps his elbows. Moxey laughs]
[To Moxey] What are ye laughin' at?
Dennis
[To Oz] Take this man's name, Oz. He's late.
I couldn't get the bed off me back this morning. I dunno what's the matter with us! I'm never usually this bad of a Monday morning.
Dennis
What time did you come in last night, like? You must have been late 'cos I was in bed at midnight, you weren't there.
It's just as well, isn'it? Or else the lads might talk.
Dennis
Just answer the question, eh?
Dennis
Half one? What were you doing 'til half one?
I was out. In town. Walkin', like.
Dennis
Walkin', like?
Dennis
Aye, well, I suppose it's one way of savin' up money.
Aye, and keepin' fit. [To Oz] Hey, hoy us that bolster, will you, Oz? [Oz doesn't respond.] Oz? [Goes over and picks it up himself] Give us that bolster, man! [To Dennis] What's the matter with him? Did he fall out of the wrong side of the coffin?
Dennis
Aye, well, y'see, Oz reckons that you're letting the hut spirit down by goin' off on yer own, so as a mark of his disapproval, he's sent you to Coventry. Or whatever the German equivalent of Coventry is!
Dennis
All reet, Wayne?
Bomber's daughter's here.
Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!
[Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.
Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.
Dennis
Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.
[Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".
Dennis
Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?
Dennis
[To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?
Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.
Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]
Dennis
[Sotto voce to Oz] Coke.
Dennis
Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]
So, how'd you get here, then, pet?
I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]
Dennis
Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.
Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!
Dennis
Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?
There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.
Dennis
Mm-hmm?
Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?
Dennis
Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.
Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?
[Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!
Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?
The pool's empty just now, pet.
Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?
Dennis
Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?
[Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!
Dennis
Right. Take Tracy inside, Wayne.
Here, love, come on. [Tracy enters, followed by Wayne. Dennis shuts the door behind them.]
Dennis
Right, Neville, listen. Nip over and warn Barry and Moxey we've got a lady guest, right? That means no swearing, no swanning around bare-arsed, no... [Quieter] No breaking wind, right, unless it's underneath the sheets. Okay? [Neville rushes off.] All that aplies to you, Oz. In fact, especially to you.
All right, all right, I know how to go on, man.
Dennis
And another thing, an' all, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off yer locker, right?
That's not pornography, Dennis. That's art!
Dennis
Fräulein Oktober's art?
Dennis
Look, I'm gan out to phone Bomber, right? Just get them off!
Dennis
Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.
Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!
Dennis
I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.
Dennis
Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...
Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?
Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!
I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!
Dennis
Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!
Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?
Dennis
Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?
I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.
Dennis
Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!
Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?
Dennis
Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?
Dennis
And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.
Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
WWaiter
Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Dennis
Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Dennis
Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
Dennis
[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
AAll
Goodness gracious me!
[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
Dennis
What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
I still dunno where Minorca is.
How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
Dennis
How much do ya need, then?
That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Dennis
Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
AAll
[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]
The police say that the girl... she was assaulted, beaten up.
Dennis
Yeah, well, anybody could see that. What's that got to do with Neville?
You saw what happened. She pointed him out. Last night, she say he beat her up.
Dennis
That's bloody madness, man. Look, yer know young Neville, you know he's not capable of a thing like that! Don't yer?!
It would surprise me, yes I admit.
Dennis
It bastard should!
It is in police hands, all right?
Dennis
No, it's not all right! Look, that young lad's down that cop shop, right? He's alone, he'll be scared stiff! He'll need a lawyer.Now you give me an hour off work, I'll get down there and try to sort it out.
...all right. He should have help. [Dennis turns and leaves the office.]
Wo denken Sie, wo Sie hingehen? (Where do you think you're going?)
Wir brauchen jemand zum dolmetschen. (We'll need someone to interpret.)
Sie haben Ihre Arbeit. (You have work to do.)
Ich geh' mit ihm. (I'm going with him.) [She leaves her office.]
...I dropped her off at her apartment. [The typist writes that up.]
PPolice Captain
You go with girl?
PPolice Captain
[To the typist] Fragen Sie, ob er zusammen mit den Mädchen aus dem Taxi gesteigen ist. (Ask him if he got out of the taxi with the girl.)
TTypist
[To Neville] You went with her... to her apartment?
Well, she asked us to. She said it was dark and she asked us to take her in. But I only went part of the way. Then... [The Captain gets up.] ...she asked us inside, but I said, "No, I had to get back." So, I left her and went to find another cab.
PPolice Captain
[To the typist] Fragen Sie wie lange es gedauert hat bevor das andere Taxi bekam. (Ask him how long it took before another taxi came.)
TTypist
[To Neville] How long did it take you to get another cab?
Only about ten minutes. I was back in the hut soon after.
TTypist
[To the Captain] Er hat ungefähr zehn Minuten und ist kurz nach zurück in der Baracke gegangen. (It took him ten minutes, then he went back to his hut shortly after.)
PPolice Captain
Das is Zeit genug. (That's enough time.)
[To the typist] What did he say?
TTypist
He said it was long enough.
Long enough for what? I was only with her a minute at the most. (The Captain takes the statement from the typewriter) It took us about ten minutes to find a cab. You can check the times with the barman, and all me mates, and both cabbies. [The Captain and the typist leave the room.]
Dennis
What did he say?
He said he wants to question you and everybody who was with Neville that night. He's coming back to the building site with us.
Dennis
Well, can I not go and see the lad?
Please, Dennis. It'll not help.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
