[Dennis and Oz return to the hut after their first night into town, including visiting a brothel. Oz kicks a bucket over on his way in.]
Dennis[Whispering] Shut up, man, you'll wake everybody up, man.
[In bed] Can you be quiet, please?
Sorry, sorry, I kicked the bucket...
Dennis
Aye? Sorry, did he wake yer up?
Nah, I wasn't sleeping. [Oz pulls up next to Dennis] Did yer have a good time?
Oh, hey, it was magic. Magic!
Did you go to the, er...?
Dennis
Oz and Bomber did. I gave it a miss, me.
Ho, he's still there. I think he's bought a season ticket, Bomber.
Oh, Nev, it was fantastic. [Getting louder] I had this gorgeous tart, I mean, admit it, Dennis, wasn't she gorgeous?
Dennis
Yeah, she wasn't bad.
Will you be quiet, please?
[Loudly] Ah, bollocks, man! [Slightly quieter] She was Eurasian, Nev, yer kna... or somewhere like that. But, I mean, let's face it, yer don't get the chance with birds like that back home, do yer? I mean...
Was it, like, different, was it?
Cor! Tell you one thing, mate - sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.
[It's the end of the second week on the site. Dennis passes Neville as he packs away his tools...]
Dennis
Hey, Nev! Capo tells me you've jacked it in. Well, is it true?
Well, yeah. No choice, have I? [He climbs down a ladder] See, if Bomber had gone, I'd have stopped, but... ah, I'm no chippie, man, Dennis. I can't go on faking it.
Dennis
Well, look, I tell yer what, I'll have a word, okay? [They start to walk through the site back to the hut] I'll explain the circumstances, I'll say that yer, er, dead keen to stay on. Then we'll just swap yer back to bricks.
Well, it's too late for that now, Den. See, I just rang the missus and told her I'm comin'.
Dennis
Was it a letter, like?
Nah, it wasn't her. She's put no pressure on at all. It's me, man, Dennis. I hate it here, I admit. See, maybe I could make £1,000, but it would take us six months, man. And I cannae stand the prospect of that.
Dennis
Yeah, it's partly my fault, I suppose, eh?
Dennis
Painting too rosy a picture.
Nah, it's not that either. See, it's just... I know me, I know I wouldn't last the distance.
Dennis
Well, when d'yer leave?
Said I'd work out this week.
Dennis
Right, listen. Friday night, okay, you're comin' out with the lads, right? I mean, yer haven't come all this way to spend two weeks in a hut, readin' Oz's overdue library books.
Dennis
Nah, no arguments. That's settled, alreet?
Dennis
Great. Good lad.
[Neville returns to the hut after a wild night out after what he intended to be his last day on the site. He is somewhat dishevelled and very hungover]
Dennis
Look at the state of you! Where ya been?
Loads of places. Can't remember in what order.
Dennis
Well, where did ya wake up?
Railway station. On a bench
Dennis
It's a pity you didn't have your stuff with ya, yer could've hopped straight on the train.
I dunno, I think he went to the brothel.
Dennis
Well, you didn't, like?
Dennis
Well, howay then, get yer gear together, and I'll get yer straight down the station.
Dennis
What?
Dennis
Let me guess why, you lost all your money, haven't yer, eh? You've blown it all on booze and gambling haven't yer, just like Bomber! Haven't yer?
I dunno how I ended up, man. (Stands up and takes several bank notes out of his pockets) I divna understand this German money.
Dennis
Did ya win? You're rich, bonny lad! [Oz and Dennis sort through the money]
Well, comfortably well off anyway. Ere, we'll charter a 747 with this, we can have him home for his tea!
I can't go home. Ever. (Starts to open his shirt)
Dennis
Why not? Look, so you didn't stick it out, but you're going home with a wadful of money. Got nothing to be ashamed of, has he?
Haven't I? How can I go home with this? (Shows a tattoo on his right arm - it's a pair of love hearts with the names "Neville" and "Lotte" on it)
Hey, I know that one... [He starts whistling along, then starts singing] "My baby takes the morning train, she gans tae graft and... comes back again..." It's a English song, that, done in German.
Dennis
That's 'cos we're in Germany, Oz. That way they understand it.
What, they translate the words?
Dennis
Aye.
Do they still have to rhyme?
Dennis
Oh, I'm sure they do.
Doesn't seem fair to me. Copycats. Why can't they write their own songs? [Calls out to German workers below] Ho! Why can't yer write yer own songs?
GWGerman worker
Wass? Verstehe das nicht. (What? I don't understand that.)
Oh aye, it's easy for you to say.
Dennis
Watch, here comes mein Fuhrer.
What, is he headin' over 'ere?
Dennis
Looks like it.
Right... [He sits down, grabs his beer and drinks it.]
[Pointing his trowel at Oz] Is he barmy? Takin' a tea-break when the chargehand comes round?
Dennis
Does it on purpose, Bomber.
I sometimes think Oz ain't playin' with a full stack.
Look, man, I don't go kow-towin' to authority like what they do. Yer put a chimpanzee in a uniform and they'd salute it. "I was only obeyin' my orders." That's like their national motto, man. [Ulrich speaks to a worker] And if you've got owt to say, say it to me face, pal!
Dennis
He's not talkin' about you, Oz. He's talkin' to the Germans.
Dennis
How d'you know when you can't speak a word of German?
I understand more German than what you think, mate.
[Approaching Oz] And I know more English thank you think... For instance, I know the English word "tea-break".
Look, Mr. Ulrich, I do me whack same as the next man, right? And if I do it any faster, it entitles us to take me tea break when I want to, alreet? Now at the end of the day, you'll find the same amount of bricks laid here as anywhere else on the site, alreet?
If this true... everything okay. [Oz nods. Ulrich turns to leave.] Danke Schön.
And donkey shite to you too, pal. [Ulrich leaves]
Dennis
Hey Oz, why do you antagonise people for no good reason?
Just don't like to see them Germans gangin' up on wor, man.
Dennis
They're not, man. Those lads are just doin' a job o' work, same as us. We're on their turf, man. We're happy enough to take their Deutschmarks come the end of the week, aren't we?
Well, what's that got ta do with it? Wa earn it, don't wa, 'cos we're the best!
Dennis
[Giving up, he turns away] Eh, Bomber, I tell yer he's always gotta have the last word. It's hopeless, man! It's like beatin' yer head against a brick wall.
Aye, well if yer dae, divven't bang it against a German bit, 'cos it'll fall doon.
You are telling me this man has worked here almost three weeks without credentials?
Dennis
Oh he's got credentials, Herr Ulrich. But, er, as a bricklayer. One of the best, mind, I can vouch for that meself.
But he is working here as carpenter. How can this be?
Dennis
Well, er... I can only presume it was some sort of administrative cock-up.
Wass? (What?) [As this goes on, site secretary Dagmar is listening in to their conversation from the other side of the office.]
Dennis
Well, a mistake. A blunder, like.. With the agent.
I think not. [To Dagmar] Bringen Sie mir die Arbeitsbedingungen deshalb vom Erster September. (Bring me the workforce requirement from 1st September.) [To Dennis & Neville] My requirement is always exact. I cannot believe the agent would make a mistake.
Dennis
Well, he's handlin' people for all over Germany, I mean there's 30,000 of us workin' here. [Dagmar gives Ulrich the paperwork.] There's bound to be the odd error, like.
Herr Pfister is most dependable. [He goes over the paperwork] Ja. Here is my letter to Herr Pfister dated August 4th - my requirement is exact. Carpenters - three, plasterers - five. He sent four only - one comes today. Bricklayers... two only. There is no "cock-up".
[To Dennis] Ask him if there's any chance of a vacancy coming up.
Dennis
He speaks English, Neville.
Ah, but you always put things better than I do, Den.
Dennis
[Sighs] Look, Mr. Ulrich, I've worked in your country three times before. Now, you can ring round all the Stompenfuhrers you like, they'll all confirm that I'm straight, right. Now you lot asked me to bring people back. That's why I brought this lad here, because he's top rank. Now, as he was under my wing, so to speak, wa didn't want to split up. Now I'm sure the occasion is gonna arise shortly when you need another bricklayer. But in the meantime, he'll do anything you like. He can shovel. Fair enough?
[Grunwald, who was working in the office next door, enters and approaches Ulrich, who gets out of his seat.]
Was habt ihr Problem? (What is the problem?)
Dieser junge Mann sagte, er wäre Zimmermann. Es hat sich aber herausgestellt, dass er Maurer ist. Ich habe keine freie Stelle für solche. (This young man said he was a carpenter, but it turns out he's a bricklayer, and I have no vacancies for such.)
[To Neville] This is true? You are bricklayer?
What if there had been an accident? You would want compensation, ja? But the fault would be yours.
Oh, I never thought about that.
Ja. [To Ulrich] Sie müssen das selbst ausmachen. Ich bin schon fünf Minuten später. (You'll have to sort this out, I'm already five minutes late.) [Grunwald leaves the office]
[Sits back down. To Neville] You do not work today. I must think.
Hey, she was a bit tasty that interviewer, eh? Old Nev should've steamed in there!
Aye, they've got some canny boilers, the Germans, like, I'll give 'em that.
Dennis
But nothin' else, though.
. Well, the beer's passable. [His comments start attracting the attention of a few German workers]
No, no, no. To be fair, I've only been here three weeks, I mean.
Dennis
Doesn't make any difference, does it? You could be here three years, and all you'd see was bierhalles, massage parlours...
So yer gettin' at me again? [Bomber nods]
Dennis
Look, you could use workin' here as an education, yer kna. You could learn from it.
Look, man, look. I lay bricks, that's what I do. I get up in the morning and for eight hours a day, five days a week, I lay bricks, alreet? It doesn't make no difference to me if it's Dusseldorf or Darlington. I just lay bricks man. [The German workers shake their heads and prepare to confront Oz.]
It depends how you use your time off, don't it, eh? I mean Nev's got the right idea, he's integrating himself, I mean.
Yeah, that's what Kevin Keegan did. When Kevin Keegan went to Hamburg, he made a real effort to adapt...
[To Dennis, who's gone to the bar] Get us a bottle, will ya?
And Mrs. Keegan! They learn the language, and they made a wide variety of friends amongst the German community.
Oh, aye? So how come he transferred to Southampton, then? I mean Germany must be pretty desperate if he preferred Southampton!
Dennis
[Returning to the table with some more beers] Have yer been there, like, have ya? [Three of the German workers stands behind Dennis.]
GWGerman worker
I have a question for you.
Oh aye? Wanna see me papers, do ye?
GWGerman worker
If Germany is such no good place, why don't you piss off back to England? [Dennis winces as Oz breaks a bottle and grabs the German worker]
[To the barman] Six pils, and six rounds of ham and cheese. [Oz enters the bar, the lads say nothing.] What'll it be, Oz?
[To the barman] Another pils.
Oh don't be daft, he only wants a swift half.
Dennis
[Gets up and approaches the bar] All right.
Dennis
That don't count! Come on, man. Give him a beer. [The barman reluctantly puts a seventh beer on the table. Oz goes over to the others.]
Did you get the boot then?
Aye, yeah. [He sits at the table, with the others, followed by Barry and Dennis, who puts a beer in front of Oz.]
I'm really sorry, Oz. I didn't mean...
Oh nae, it's not your fault, Neville, it's them bastards!
Dennis
Come off it. You've only got yourself to blame, you brought this on yourself.
Dennis
Because you're always soundin' off at the Germans! They're just a canny bunch of lads, same as the rest of us!
Dennis
Well, alright, he's a hardnose. But it's his job, man.
Well Ulrich can put his job right in the shit, couldn't he, if you'd've back us up!
Oh, right, like a confrontation with the management over his unfair dismissal.
Dennis
What good d'ya think that's gonna do?
Well it's ganna leave 'em short, isnit? Then what's he ganna dae?
Dennis
He's gonna ring the agent and order another six Brits! He's got plenty to choose from, there's three million unemployed back home!
Well, it shouldn't be allowed. It's shouldn't! I mean, we've got wor rights, haven't we?
Dennis
We haven't got any rights, Oz! We're on the lump, man, we're black. Look, if you want worker's rights, then register with the Germans. Pay them income tax, welfare, insurance. Can't have it both ways.
[Quietly] Right. So... [Louder] So... What yer sayin' is you won't back us up! One of yar own mates! Is that it?
Dennis
Look, Oz, I'm sorry you got the boot, right? We all are. But I can do sod all about it.
Well you're the one that talked Grunwald into letting Neville stay, aren't ya?
Dennis
There were two other factors that helped Neville: A - the bomb, and B - your big mouth.
Dennis
Look, I've seen blokes like you come and go all the times I've worked in Germany. Never been out the UK before. Never eaten foreign food, never drank foreign beer. Fish out of water without the wife or the mother to lend a guiding hand. After a week they've lost their passports, they've got pissed, lost most of their money, and become ridiculously nationalistic for the country that can't even bloody employ them in the first place. man! [Oz gets up and walks towards the exit]
Me? No, no, I know when I'm not wanted? [Exits the bar.]
[Dennis is called into the site office. Herr Grunwald looks over the site plans with Dagmar.]
Dennis
You said you wanted to see me?
Ja, as you seem to be the lead person.
Dennis
...Well, I'm not really.
No matter. The point is... you can get Osbourne back. He can stay.
Dennis
Really? Oh, thanks a lot. That'll be a relief to him.
Ja... I hope he change for the better! [Exits the office]
He is very angry to give back the job.
Dennis
Why is he?
[Pouring herself a coffee] Oh, because of the Germans. [She holds up her cup to ask if Dennis also wants a coffee]
Dennis
No thanks, no.
They say it doesn't make them look good if an Englishman gets fired because of an argument with a German.
Dennis
Really?
Mmm. So they said to him if he isn't coming back, we are not going to work.
[After the German workers convince Herr Grunwald to reinstate Oz, the lads decide to invite them to the hut for some beers and a game of darts. Bomber and Moxey put a light above the dartboard]
[Plugs the light in] That's it. Perfect. [The light is a bit dim.]
Could've done with a stronger bulb, though.
[Takes a beer from a crate] D'you reckon we've got enough in, Den?
Dennis
Well if there's not, it's easy enough to get some more, innit?
Aye, ey, they drink a bit, them Jerries! Maybe as much as us!
Dennis
Listen, Oz, Listen, everybody, it's because of those Jerries that Oz is still here. Don't want anybody forgetting that, right? [Murmurs of agreement] When those German scaffolders turn up tonight, let's all make sure that we have a good night. Agreed? You especially, Oz.
Dennis
And this darts match, right, it's not the World Cup, or a replay of World War II. It's just meant to cement the harmony and the goodwill amongst the British and the Erics. Agreed? [Murmurs of agreement] Good.
Mind you, it might only be a darts match, but us British have still got to try and hammer these Germans.
'Cos they're the bastards that bombed me granny!
It's ten to six, yer kna.
Yes. Yes, it is, yes, Oz.
Yeah, but he was supposed to be here at two o'clock!
Well, maybe his car broke down.
Well I can think of better things to do than hang around here on a Friday night freezin' me nuts off.
[Dagmar and Ulrich exit the office, their working day done.]
Wiedersehen, Dagmar. Oh, schönes Wochenende. (Goodbye, Dagmar. Have a nice weekend.) [Some of the workers wolf whistle and make suggestive noises at Dagmar as she walks past. Ulrich approaches Oz] What's this? Some kind of British protest meeting?
We want wor wages, don't wa?
It is not my responsibility, it's the agent who pays you.
We know that, we know that, we just don't know where he is, man.
This is your business, it is not mine.
Oh well that's alright, but if we don't get paid, we just don't come to work next week, alreet?
Well, then I send for more out-of-work Engländers. [He gets in his car.]
We'll get no joy out of him, y'know. [Ulrich drives away, but not before Magowan furiously slams his hand on the roof of the car.]
Dennis
[Entering the hut] Hey, yer seen them lunatics standin' out there, eh? As if that's ganna make him turn up any faster, y'know what I mean, eh!
Mind, Mr. Pfister's never usually this late, Dennis. I like to get to the post office on a Friday night, that way Brenda gets her money first thing Monday morning. [Moxey pulls the towel all the way over his head and over the bowl.]
Dennis
Ey, there's no panic, man. I mean, yer kna, Don't forget... [Lights his cigarette] This bloke, he must cover, what, fifteen sites in a day, y'know. He could've got held up, had a puncture, yer kna, anything.#
[Lifts up his towel] It's like what Bomber told us the other day... [sniffs] ...there were thirty other Brits, y'know, when he was workin' in Essen a year ago waiting for their money. The agent never turned up at all.
[Pulls the towel back over the bowl and coughs before pulling the towel back] Well, it turns out... he'd legged it to Hamburg. Left his wife, took all their money and some young Fräulein, y'know, from the a-architect's office. [Coughs and covers his head again.]
Well, I've had enough of this. I mean, there's no point in standin' here like spare pricks at a wedding, is there? I mean, he knows where we live, doesn'he? [Turns and heads back to the hut]
You're right. Might as well get back and put the kettle on, eh? [Also turns and leaves]
Ah well, can't keep a nice young Fräulein waiting, I'd better wash me barnet, eh? [Turns and leaves. Barry follows suit.]
[Brandishing a hosepipe connected to a gravel suction pump] Well I'm gonna wait it out. Y'know what I'm gonna do when he does turn up?
I'm gonna connect 'im to this hosepipe there and I'm gonna blow gravel right up his jacksie.
Ah, yes, that is one approach, Magowan, yeah. On the other hand, you could always take a hard line though(!) [Magowan throws down the hosepipe and glares menacingly at Barry, who promptly backs away and heads with the others to the hut.]
Alright, lads? Pass 'em along. [He puts the beers in front of Dennis to pass down the table.] Hey, it's put wor behind, hasn'it with Pfister being late.
Still salvaged our Friday night though. [Raises his glass to Barry.] Cheers, kid.
We've plenty of time to do a bit of carnage though, Bomb, eh?
Dennis
Hey, I thought you were putting it aside for your future!
Oh aye, I am, Dennis. Yeah, but I still think, considering under which squallid circumstances we all live, I think it's very important that we, every now and again, you know, just sort of let it all hang out, you know.
Dennis
That's the main reason yer here, y'see. That's the main reason nearly everybody's here. It's not for the money you send back. You're trying to recapture your adolescence, which you lads missed by gettin' married too young in the first place.
No, not me, Dennis. No. Not married me, no. I like to stay free, you know.
Dennis
Well, you're the exception, you know what I mean, Barry?
I reckon Den's right. We all took the plunge too soon.
Dennis
Nineteen, I was. Bloody madness, man.
Yeah, and your marriage is down the toilet now, isn'it?
Dennis
I beg yer pardon?
Well, face facts, Dennis. I mean, yer gettin' divorced, aren't ya? I mean, that's why yer shouldn't keep on to me gettin' on my back about my marriage!
Dennis
Oz, your marriage is a mockery!
Dennis
You admitted yerself you don't even send your Marjorie nothin'!
We're still together, aren't we?
Dennis
Oh aye? Gateshead's most stable couple(!)
Yeah? There's not that much competition up there these days.
Look, we all got hitched for better off or worse! Come the end of the day, I reckons we all knows where our responsibility lies.
[Noticing a group of ladies walking past their table] Oh, look at that!
I likes it! I wish I were their age!
Well I'm is their age! [Takes his drink and heads for the ladies.]
Wait for me! [And so does he, leaving Dennis and Barry at the table.]
[Adjusts his tie, blushing] They're... very attractive.
Dennis
Well, one good thing about a draw, eh? You lot won't take out your triumph or defeat on the innocent bystanders of Belgium, eh?
EErnie
We're not like that, man! We just came on a trip, have a good time.
BBrian
Aye, no bother. Mind you, there's always the lunatic fringe. I mean that lot over there. [Looks over at the group of fans Oz is sat with]
Dennis
How did you lads get here, then?
EErnie
Plane. We ran three charters from Newcastle. 42 quid an' all. Not bad!
Dennis
You lads not workin', like?
EErnie
Well, me and Brian are. Just. I was in the shipyards. Riveter. Now I'm driving a furniture van.
BBrian
It's desperate up our way, man.
Dennis
Why do ya think I'm here?
EErnie
Do ya like it, do ya?
Dennis
Have no choice! I had me own business, yer kna, jobbing builder. [The group Oz is with start singing loudly] I worked me bollocks off for five years. Made no difference in the end, yer kna, went under. Still owe the Government VAT.
BBrian
I thought I'd work in the oil rigs for a while, meself. That's good money if you don't mind spending your time up in Aberdeen.
Dennis
Aye, I spend mine up just the same. Dusseldorf, yer kna, Monday nights.
EErnie
Aye, are ya alright up there?
Dennis
Well, it's worth it, yer kna, despite the drawbacks. [Oz gets up to leave with the rowdy mob.]
Ere! Dennis! Me and these lads is gan up for some action. Fancy it?
Dennis
No, I'm stoppin' 'ere.
Ah, I've only got one night, man! There's nae point in stoppin' in one place!
Dennis
Look, you be at the station eleven o'clock, right? [Oz leaves] Look, the train won't wait for ye, and neither will I! [Turns back to the bar.]
Dennis
He's one of the drawbacks!
Morning, campers! Rise and shine!
Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?
[Waking up] I was fast asleep...
Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!
Dennis
[Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!
Thought you'd gone for good.
Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.
[Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!
Where'd you spring from, then?
Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...
Dennis
Oh, you saw her did yer?
Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.
Aye, I heard you'd been back home.
I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.
Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]
Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!
...Hey, where's me stereo?
No, it's.. it's mine now.
Yeah, I sort of bought it.
Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...
Dennis
Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"
So what did you do with it?
Dennis
Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.
And they're gone an' all! Where are they?
Dennis
Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.
It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.
And, er, I got the stereo.
[Looks round] What a bloody nerve!
Dennis
No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!
[Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?
Dennis
Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.
Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?
[Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
