HHans
[To Police Officer] Ein Kollege von dem Neville Hope wartet draussen auf mich. (A colleague of Neville Hope is waiting for me outside.) [He goes into the waiting room] Ah, hello. Hans Bauer.
DennisDennis Patterson. [They shake hands.] You're the chap I spoke to on the phone. You're Neville's...
HHans
I'm his defence. If it goes that far.
Dennis
Thank God you speak good English.
HHans
[Laughs] The Dusseldorf judiciary knows that only too well. They give me many Engländer... oh, I'm sorry, I mean Englishmen. Oh, and Scots too. Football hooligans - my butter and bread.
Dennis
I've brought a German friend just in case.
HHans
Bauer. Angenehm. (My pleasure.) [They shake hands.]
HHelmut
Ganz meinerseits. (The pleasure's all mine. )
HHans
Dann nehmen wir doch mal einen Augenblick hier Platz. (Let's take a seat for a moment.) [They sit down]
Dennis
What did you mean, "If it goes that far"?
HHans
I think there is not a case. I've now seen copies of the girl's statement and also the report from the police log. I'll give you translations, of course. You'll see, there are many holes. However, I must now do some homework of my own, just in case. See witnesses, verify facts, et cetera, et cetera.
Dennis
Well, I can bring the lads in whenever you like.
HHans
Oh, good. Yes, please.
HHelmut
Aber sollten wir nicht über all das weiter reden, wenn Neville entlassen ist? (Shouldn't we keep talking about all this after Neville is released?)
HHans
Damit haben Sie natürlich vollkommen recht. Sicher. (Of course, you're absolutely right. Certainly.) [To Dennis] Oh, he says maybe we should discuss all this after we get Neville out.
Dennis
I got that, yeah. That's a good idea.
HHans
Er, did you bring the... the surety?
Dennis
Yeah, it's all here. [Helmut produces a bag full of money and gives it to Dennis.] It'll just need a lot of counting. [He gives the bag to Hans.]
HHans
Oh! Did you win all this in a poker school?
Dennis
No, no. We had a whip-round.
HHelmut
Die Jungs haben zusammengelegt. (The guys at work chipped in.)
HHans
Oh, ausgezeichnet! Das bedeutet doch wohl, daß... (Oh, excellent! That means that...) Neville has many good friends, nicht wahr? (Hasn't he?)
Dennis
D'ya wanna stop for a drink?
[Sighs] No. Just let's get back, eh?
Dennis
Eh, we would've had you out earlier, yer kna, if we'd had the money.
[Still shaken] Mr. Bauer said the lads had had a whip-round, like.
Dennis
Right, and you can thank Helmut and all the Erics for that.
[To Helmut] I cannae thank you enough! [He starts crying.]
Dennis
Howay, bonny lad. Get it out of your system, and then you can face the lads. Hey, they're all dyin' to see you, Nev.
[Fighting back the tears] I never thought I'd... miss Oz!
Dennis
Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.
So what exactly is the point?
Dennis
Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.
Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.
Dennis
Absolutely.
Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.
Dennis
Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.
The bloke she was with in the bar.
There were shaggy-haired louts round her.
Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.
[Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.
You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]
HHelmut
Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.
[Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...
Dennis
You just stay put, Oz!
[Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]
HHelmut
We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.
You need someone to identify them.
[Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.
Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]
I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]
Dennis
[To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!
I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?
Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?
Dennis
You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.
[Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]
Dennis
Brenda. She's coming over.
Dennis
She knows all about it.
Dennis
You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.
[Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!
Dennis
Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.
They should've kept me inside.
Dennis
What for, bonny lad?
Dennis
Hello, pet. [Enters the room. Brenda closes the door.]
Dennis
[Hugs Brenda] I know, I know! There's no need to fret. It's all over with. He's a free man.
Dennis
Well, he's concluding formalities, but all charges are dropped. They got the other bloke.
Dennis
Don't look surprised! You don't think Neville did it, did ya?
Dennis
[Sits on the bed] Oh, hey, some of our German friends, they found the bloke and turned him in. I think they extracted their own confession. He didn't look to healthy!
[Sits next to Dennis] Well, what exactly happened, then?
Dennis
Well, er... this bloke, you see, he was like the boyfriend. Well, he got the needle when he saw...
Dennis
Well he [her boyfriend] beat her up, you see. Then the police saw her condition and she fingered Nev.
He did take her home, didn't he?
Dennis
Look, Brenda, the point is...
That is the point, Dennis! Of course I knew that Neville didn't do the things they said he did. But he took that girl home! He went with her!
Dennis
He didn't! Look, she imposed herself on him. She shared his cab. [Brenda stands up to put her coat in the wardrobe] Look, you know young Neville, he's so polite he'd give Hitler a ride! You're gonna make me very angry, Brenda.
Dennis
If you can't see how much that lad cares for you, you're a very silly lass! He cares so much it hurts! It hurts him to be away from home. It hurts every minute he has to spend over here, sacrificing everything he wants, so that you can enjoy something better in the future. Look, he's the only bugger in Germany who isn't on the pull!
Dennis
And you're his wife, and you don't seem to know that lad as well as I do! Look, the reason he got into trouble is because he didn't go with the girl! If he'd been like the rest of us he'd have gone, oh aye, he'd have done the business, she'd have been content. Nobody would have been none the wiser! But he's not like the rest of us. He gave her the elbow! She got vindictive. He didn't want to know. That's what happened!
Dennis
...Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... sound off at you like that. It's just... well you two, you've got a marvellous marriage. And I appreciate that more than most because mine's down the toilet.
Oh, you're right, Dennis! Well, what happens now?
Dennis
Well let's go and fetch the lad, eh?
Dennis
Hey, you're some swimmer, aren't ya?
At school I was even better. I won many prizes.
Dennis
Did you win a prize for English too?
Dennis
Just as well, isn'it? Otherwise we wouldn't have much to say to each other.
Ja? I'll just need to teach you German.
Dennis
Oh ey, I might have to be 'round a long time for that!
Dennis
Suits me.
Dennis
I don't believe it!
[Running down the side of the pool to Dennis] How, Den!
Dennis
What made you come here?
Oz seen you leaving with your towel, so we worked it out.
Dennis
Oh, terrific(!)
[Resurfaces, spitting out some water] How, Dennis! [Swims up to Dennis, swallowing more pool water as he goes. He notices Dagmar at the other side of the pool] Hey, isn't that the tart from the office?
Dennis
[Covering his tracks] Aye, apparently she, er... comes here a lot, like, yer kna. I just, er... bumped into her. Just a coincidence, like.
[To Neville] Howay, then, get yerself in, Nev, man. It's lovely! [Neville dives in]
Aye, it's a great idea, this, Den!
Dennis
Isn't it(?) Aye.
Well I can't understand why you never told wor you were coming. [To Neville] Give you a race.
Right! [Neville and Oz swim off. Dennis signals to Dagmar that he'll ring her. Dagmar reciprocates and swims off.]
Good morning, Dennis. And where have you been, eh? [Dennis walks past, staring angrily at Wayne and Barry] Or maybe we shouldn't ask.
Dennis
Aye. Maybe you shouldn't. Not that it'd make any difference, like. I mean, news spreads faster than the plague around here.
What's the problem, like?
Dennis
[Points to Wayne and Barry] Well, ask Abbott and Costello here.
Come on, Den. We was all after the same thing last night, weren't we? I'd say you were a bit more successful than what we was, eh?
Yeah. Look at my ankle. It's all puffed up.
Dennis
[Whacks Barry's ankle. Barry winces in pain.] I know all about you two, man! I spent an hour in the manager's office explaining who me guests were.
Oh dear. D'you mean there... d'you mean there were repercussions?
Dennis
Aye, you could say that, Barry. I mean, it was you two who terrorised some innocent couple, wasn'it?
You didn't finger us, did you?
Dennis
No, no. Said you were two blokes I'd met in the bar. [Points his finger in Wayne's face] But in future, you just stay out my life, right? [Grabs his washbag and towel, and leaves for the bathroom cabin.]
Is there something you two haven't told me?
Howay, Moxey, man! [Kicks the cubicle door] Hurry yersel' up! The amount of time you spend in there I'm surprised you don't move in!
Hey, I'm not doin' this for pleasure y'know, Oz. It's the bloody sauerkraut! [Dennis enters the cabin]
Dennis
Is somebody in there? [Kicks the cubicle door]
Aye. Moxey. Put yer name doon for about Tuesday.
Dennis
I've gotta get out of here, man.
[At the urinal] What's the matter, like?
Dennis
Well those two pricks, man, Barry and Wayne, totally destroyed my weekend!
Aye, well, I didn't do their weekend much good, me, like.
Dennis
How's that?
Well, I'll tell yer all aboot it. This'll cheer ya up...
Dennis
[Furiously] DID WHAT?! [Chases Oz out of the cabin]
[Running away] Dennis, what's got into you, man? [Runs away while Dennis gives chase. The toilet flushes and Moxey steps out of the cabin.]
[Calling out] It's f-free now!
Dennis
It'll be a bit of a squeeze.
Ah, but there's not much traffic on this type of road, man. Howay, let's give him a ride, eh? [Dennis stops the car. Neville winds his window down.] Howay!
[Waking up] Why have we stopped?
Dennis
Good Samaritans, aren't we? Hitch-hiker. [He runs across the bridge to the car.]
Hey, it's a bloke! There's no room for a bloke! A Swedish girl, maybe we could fit her in, but... but not a bloke!
[Looks inside the car] ...Bitte?
...Where you go? [Points to the road ahead] You go east?
Dennis
Oh, hop in, bonny lad.
Cheers. [Gets in the back next to Moxey. They drive off.]
Dennis
You, er, on holiday, are you?
Took you a while to get a lift, did it?
...This way. [Nods forward and chuckles]
Dennis
It's a bit of a back road this, isn'it, if yer hitchin'?
...Well you... you can't hitch-hike on the Autobahns, can ya?
Dennis
Ah, na. No. Suppose not. But hey, we're just headed to the back end of nowhere here, mind.
You've no place in mind, then?
...No, I was... I was headed south, er... I know this girl in Munich.
Dennis
It's not the way to Munich, this.
Well, I'm in no hurry, er... Thought I'd see a bit of the countryside first.
Dennis
Aye?
I'm a student. I'm, er... I'm just seeing a bit of the countryside.
Travel's an education in itself, isn'it?
So they say, yes. So they say.
I'm Bomber, this is Moxey. [Points to the front seats] Dennis and Neville.
I'm Neville. [Points to Dennis] He's Dennis.
...I'm Colin. Listen... what do you lads do then?
Best not to ask. Wanted by INTERPOL in eight countries, we are! [The lads laugh.]
There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!
I'm glad we came, aren't you?
I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.
It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.
Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.
Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.
Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.
Elaine Surtees was just the same.
That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?
Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.
Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.
There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.
LLandlord
Good evening. I think you need more pils?
Dennis
My shout. What do you want?
I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]
Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]
LLandlord
You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]
Dennis
Crates? Crates, mate.
LLandlord
Crates! Yes, crate.
Dennis
Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?
LLandlord
That's good drinking, yes?
Dennis
Cheers.
LLandlord
I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]
Dennis
[To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?
Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.
Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?
It's a funny thing, though.
Dennis
What is?
LLandlord
Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)
LLandlord
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.
[Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!
Dennis
Did you see who it was?
LLandlord
No, he... he disappeared.
Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?
Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]
That's asking for it, wasn't it?
I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?
Dennis
That's real fresh air that, Neville.
Dennis
I need that after last night's beer.
I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Dennis
Tab?
Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
Dennis
[Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
Dennis
[Walks on] Aye.
Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Dennis
Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Just last night, that's all.
Dennis
When did you last eat?
I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
Dennis
[To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Dennis
Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Dennis
Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
[Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
Dennis
C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!
I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Dennis
Aye, he did, didn't he?
Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Dennis
Come again, Barry?
Hey... you trust people, you do.
Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Dennis
Why shouldn't I?
Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
Dennis
Thinkin' of what?
I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Dennis
Why?
Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
Dennis
Well, nor have you.
That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Dennis
Maybe he is!
Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Dennis
Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Dennis
Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]
It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
It happens though, don't it?
And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
Dennis
Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
[Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Where are you headed, then?
...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Hey, he can come back with us.
No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Dennis
Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.
Hey, Den! This really strange thing just happened!
Dennis
[Eating a banana] What, Oz has shook hands with a German?
Dennis
What?
You know I've been workin' with that Colin lad? Well, these two policemen just turned up with Ulrich. I dunno, probably about the vandalism. Anyway, when Colin seen them, he turned white as a sheet, did a runner.
Dennis
What?
Aye, he's gone. Psht, vanished. I've searched the whole site, there's no sign of him.
Dennis
Well, have the police gone after him?
No, man. Look, see, the coppers were here aboot the break-ins, right, but the point is he obviously thought they were after him. Colin did.
Dennis
Oh, I see. Aye, he didn't seem too sure of his story, did he?
Right, aye. I dunno, he seemed such a canny lad, but... I cannae imagine him in trouble with the law.
Dennis
No, you cannae tell these days, man. I tell you what, we'll just get back to work, right? If he shows up, we'll have it out with him, right?
'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.
Dennis
Grunwald? What's he want?
Well, you know that nutter Magowan?
Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?
Ahh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.
I suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.
Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!
Dennis
Well, what's that got to do wi' me?
Well he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.
Dennis
Well, why us?
'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.
Dennis
Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!
He's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?
Dennis
Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!
Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.
Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?
Trouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.
Dennis
What? He said that?
That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!
I'm just tellin' you what he said.
But... you mean it's him or us?
Yep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.
Dennis
[Sighs] Bloody hell!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
