Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
[laughs] Um... uh, vaguely.
Okay, well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like "huh, weird." And then you didn't die, [Archer starts zoning out into a gradually increasing high-pitched tone] and a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a JOKE, by the way, and so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life.... Uhhh... Archer? ...Archer? ...Archer?
[Archer snaps out of it]
What's that?! Wait, wait... huh? What?!
Yeah, sorry. For a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago. [Archer takes a drink] Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
Hmm. Lana? Am I just NOW coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
Then, what are you... [Archer looks at the baby] Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby?! Baby?!?! [Baby holds up a finger as she nurses on Lana] M-meep...
...I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.
[Pam has just spilled her urine on the floor of the elevator, with Ray laying on the floor, halfway out the door]
Quickly, get it before it gets on me!
With what? There's nothing to wipe it up with!
Ah-ha! [Holds up Cyril's vest] Maybe it is good for something!
Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!
Wha- [Hands Cyril back the vest] Oh my God, sorry!
What, so it's non-absorbent?
Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.
Well, I'm not a freaking mind-reader! [gasps] What if I am?
Then, I'd guess you'd know what we're all thinking right now.
Okay...[to Archer] You wanna drink, [to Lana] you wanna lecture us, [to Pam] you want more bear claws, [to Ray] you wanna smoke, [to Cyril] you wanna masturbate, [to Krieger] and you're scared that we'll figure out that you're actually just a Krieger clone.
[on guards advancing on the plane] Those guys look furious.
Yeah, no shit! So thank you, Ray!
For what, safely landing the plane?
What, like that cancels out you getting it shot down in the first place?
You were the one yapping your head off about my damn teacup pig!
Who I hope to see on my next BLT!
Well, too bad, beause... he went to live on a...
A farm! Exactly! So unless that farm had a magical talking spider...
[Ray gasps in abject horror]
Yeah, they don't keep 'em around for their milk.
What in the name of sweet Jiminy Christ do you think you're doing?!
Standing up for myself! Because maybe I didn't go to some fancy-pantsy Ivy League med school, and maybe I didn't go to some other med school—even the one down in Grenada, which was my fallback, but whatever. That doesn't give you [points to med-team doctor] the right to bully me! I have had it! Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?!
Huh. I never thought about that.
[Malory pours Cyril a glass of champagne]
But, I doubt they've got the disc yet. Isn't it a little premature to be celebrating?
Who's celebrating? We're out of liquor. But I admit, I'm cautiously optimistic.
Because out here you can buy liquor at the grocery store?
Literally the only thing about Los Angeles that doesn't make me want to vomit.
Guys, come on, what's going on here?
I was just explaining some basic tenets of fieldcraft to these three.
Yeah, you gotta blend, but I meant what's going on hors d'oeuvre-wise?
[each presenting platters] This is a deconstructed slider made from certified Kobe beef from Hyogo prefecture, with a tarragon aioli.
Tapas of pata negra jamon iberica, topped with queso Torta del Casar.
And these are tiny quiches, probably made from endangered quail eggs, or...
No, none of this is that. [Takes one from each platter and puts them together] This is the world's most expensive Mc10:35.
Because you said we were on a break!
So two days later your cock's wet?
[scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...
[they begin arguing over each other]
There is an acceptable amount of time...
...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...
...before you start cramming your trash dick...
...but I guess that's par for the course with you...
...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...
...because you never bother to consult with me on... Sterling Archer,
And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, it was yours!
Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way... [looking at Archer's crotch] I can smell from here!
[chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.
[Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]
And what the hell are you wearing?
I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?
[pause]
Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.
[Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]
Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.
[pauses]
[looks to Lana] I would've worn a black one.
[everyone gives him a stern look except Lana, who closes her eyes and shakes her head]
[chatter on police radio]
HHarris
Well, what do you think?
DDeitrich
I think that in my next life I'm gonna come back as a movie star.
HHarris
Yeah, Look out, gay porn.
HHarris
Yeah, that could be your name. So what, some movie star lives here?
DDeitrich
Yes, Veronica Deane. Don-don't you remember? She's a person of interest in the other murder we're working.
DDeitrich
Wait, what are you—? We were just questioning her ten hours ago! He was her alibi.
DDeitrich
As an actress, or for this homicide?
DDeitrich
Loved her in Shanghai Moon.
HHarris
Oh, my God, that dress?
DDeitrich
Right? But as for Tennessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her. See if she knows who tried to weight him down... with an ounce of lead. Found it on the ground, over there, by the table.
DDeitrich
Hard to tell with no serial number.
HHarris
Yeah, probably why they put them on there.
HHarris
Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane if her agent reps gay porn stars.
DDeitrich
And maybe if she murdered this guy.
HHarris
Huh, you've got a real knack for this.
HHarris
How was that funny?
DDeitrich
No, as my gay porn name. Not bad.
Everything is my business.
Oh, including white slavery?
Those girls are tied up, asshole.
No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
[gasps in disbelief] Uh, I don't know, racist!
White slavery is just as racist!
Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
-and then white slavery then that's-
My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.
