What do crocodiles eat?
EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!
S5 E7Archer Vice: The Rules of Extraction
Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?
Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.
The...?
Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...
[Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!
Goddammit, how are we not doing "phrasing"?!
S5 E9Archer Vice: Baby Shower
Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!
No, Kenny Loggins! Nothing can make up for almost killing me over a briefcase of what I can only assume is either plutonium or a human soul!
[Before they sing a duet of Danger Zone]
It's in D-minor. Do you know what that is? Or even what chords are?
KLKenny Loggins
[sigh] Yes.
Wow, snotty. OK, fine. So during the boring parts, just scream "Outlaw Country".
KLKenny Loggins
Absolutely not.
S5 E11Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue: Part II
Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.
And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!
Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.
Now who's racist?!
Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.
This is how you steal a painting. Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair?
No. Not a huge Steve McQueen fan.
[Laughs] Oh, my God, are you... Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep!
I... I... No, I didn't.
S5 E12Archer Vice: Filibuster
I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
Is that a reference I should get, or...
Seriously?
Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.
Hey.
But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
What?
Hey.
Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
It cannot possibly!
Where did you get that?!
Let's just say I honestly don't remember.
[To Caldarone] Did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?
CCaldarone
I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do. My Father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels.
So like a family business.
That manufactures oppression!
CCaldarone
Well, and cocaine.
[looking at a tiger in the zoo]
They should have sent a poet. Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?
CCaldarone
[An elephant trumpets offscreen] Literally tons.
No, I didn't mean another animal. I meant like a steak.
CCaldarone
Typical American! You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in nice plastic wrap.
Yeah, you're describing meat.
CCaldarone
No, no, no. Meat is blood and bones and sinew.
Well, now you're describing not-meat.
CCaldarone
Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat. Because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food.
[The tiger roars]
[to tiger] Hang on, buddy. [To Caldarone] And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism! But I'm not feeding Shane an elephant.
S5 E13Archer Vice: Arrivals/Departures
JJulianna
You are not robbing my palace!
Oh yes, we are. And if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets too. Because your regime is officially over. I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and this is how it ends. In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint. Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh... [Pam starts laughing] What in the name of God is funny?!
You said you'd seen cooze!
[Picks up M16] Private Me, reporting for Sploosh.
[on the nerve gas] Come on, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong hands. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.
Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.
Well... Edmund Burke, but... doesn't matter who.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.