TV show quotes
[While walking through the desert] Because you let him. Because you let him push your buttons. That's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun, phone, or lifesaving water. And that's why you died in the desert. [Beat] Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert. [Gasps] Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said!
[Flashback to the ISIS break room, as Lana is talking to Cheryl while opening a soda bottle]
How. Would I ever. Die in a dessert.
[Back to the present]
Well, pretty close.
Plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus...
Alright! I'll think about it.
Is that a real "you'll think about it," or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap," "you'll think about it"?
It's...
Because I never really got over that.
It's a real one!
YAAAAYYYY!!!
But thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farm-y childhood.
It was actually pretty awesome. And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.
[to Kazak the dog] Okay, buddy, so here's the deal. A., scrooch down! And B., normally in this situation, I'd do a PIT maneuver, but if I do, the truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case scenario, she's a quadriplegic and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags I start to resent her and the night nurse is, like, Brazilian and twenty. [Kazak growls] Don't judge me! I have needs, man! The point is, and it might be a kind of shitty plan [jams the canteen against the gas pedal] but I'm gonna jump on the truck, so I need you to take the... [Kazak barks] Wheel, exactly. So— [sees Kazak is gone] Kazak? [Sees Kazak has jumped onto the truck and is mauling the kidnappers] Lana, look! He thinks he's vampires!
...and then, give me the file I asked for!
Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?
What was that?
Nothing!
Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.
Awwwww.
[Pam's holding a large mirror above the Pope, who's sleeping]
Put that down, Pam, he's not— [Pam drops the mirror right on the Pope] —dead! Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!
I killed the Pope!
Yeah, that's why I said Oliver—
[Jumps on top of the mirror that's still on the Pope, grabbing Archer by his shirt] JESUS CHRIST, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I— [Archer slaps her four times]
Pam.
Yes?
[Beat]
Get off the Pope.
Lana! NOW!
He said, last-wordsingly.
[Archer pulls up in a Bubble Car]
Are you shitting me?!
What? It was either this or the Vespas. It's not my fault Italy's so gay!
The good news is my men have apprehended Cardinal Correlli, who immediately confessed to the plot.
HA-HEY! That is good news!
You know how the whole the good news is thing works, right?
The bad news is...
Oh, right.
So, what are you, like, the Mafia?
Hah! We are like your Mafia...
Like Seal Team 6 is like the Girl Scouts.
Exactly.
But the real good news is that we saved the Pope's life!
For which we are grateful. However, we cannot tell these two apart, so...
So I actually have an idea about that.
Is it... take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?
Uhh, never mind.
Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!
Well it's about frickin' time! [Beat] What, we're not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?
Why would we invade Bermuda?
Oh... Bermuda, duh. I was thinking Bahamas.
Same question.
Same answer: Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.
Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.
Okay, Mr. Peabody...
Are you finished?
Yes?
Good. Because the B-52 was—
In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that's my fourth biggest fear.
The B-52 is on the ocean floor here at a depth of 8,000 feet—
Or 1,333 fathoms.
How do you know that?
How do you not?
...So we're going to beat the Russians!
[Sarcastically claps] Give it up, everyone. Mike Eruzione!
[Tiffy, the pilot, has been arguing with Cheryl about veganism over the intercom]
Hey, Tiffy. Could you, instead of antagonizing her, maybe go ahead and take off? [The chopper judders as it takes off] Love you! [To Archer, who's mixing a cocktail] We'll rendezvous with my research vessel in a few hours. So, in the meantime, I guess, continue to make such wildly liberal use of the bar.
Done!
Hi, it's Pam, right? Enjoying the cruelty-free vegan seafood buffet?
It's pretty good once you get over how allergic I am to soy.
What?! Oh my God, don't eat that!
HEY! I'm a consenting adult! [coughes] Plus, I assume you've got an Epi-pen on this rip-tide-looking bastard?
Yes, in the cockpit. In the first aid kit.
Then shut up! [continues devouring the "shrimp"]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
