Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Malory

All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.

Cyril

Wait, what?!

Malory

Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.

Cyril

But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.

Malory

Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!

Cyril

Oh, Jesus.

Cheryl

Ew.

Malory

You're next.

Archer

God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.

Cyril

Shut up.

Malory

Come on! Everybody shoots!

Pam

Hey, I wanna go!

Malory

Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...

Archer

No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.

Malory

Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...

Archer

Wha... oh.

Malory

Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!

Archer

But this gun--it was a gift.

Malory

Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!

Archer

You don't know.

Malory

Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.

Cyril

Oh, hot potato!

Archer

We still didn't get the UN contract.

Malory

Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!

Woodhouse

That smell takes me back--just like a Zambesi feast.

Pam

Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?

Malory

It would be weirder if you weren't.

Charles

What? Normal as opposed to gay?

Implying that gay is abnormal?

Archer

Not abnormal, just... gay!

Jesus GOD, Sterling, schoolgirls?

Archer

No! They're just costumes.

And I suppose that makes it better?

Archer

...Doesn't it?

Woodhouse

I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.

Archer

And I suppose that makes it better?

Woodhouse

Doesn't it?

Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!

No, no! It was just merely incompetence.

And I suppose that makes it better?

Doesn't it?

Archer

Jesus, Krieger, you're still taping bum fights?

Krieger

No, now I'm into something... darker.

Krieger

I've developed a proprietary chemical compound which may come in handy. I call it Formula K.

Archer

And it makes you temporarily gay?

Krieger

I dunno. Just started human testing [whispering] by dosing Danny the Intern's coffee.

[in singsong voice] Danny is definitely feeling something!

Archer

I'll pass.

Krieger

Suit yourself. [Takes a pill] Just means more for me and Danny.

[singsong] Who is LOV-ing it!

Archer

Way the Christ out in the Everglades burying some Dominican guy's rooster!

Charles

Fun! Wha-- Oh, you mean literally.

Mamá always said, "Ramón, un hombre real debe saber cocinar." ["A real man should know how to cook"]

Archer

Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud?

Woodhouse

I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.

Archer

Yeah, like I told you he would! You idiot!

Archer

Out macho a gay guy? Oh my stars!

Charles

Hmm, or you could be a sarcastic bitch your whole life.

Archer

So, are you two even really gay!?

Charles

As big ol' tangerines, yes.

Archer

How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?

"El Hulk".

Archer

Gay.

What? We don't have a word for "Hulk".

Archer

Do you have a word for "gay"?

Gay.

Archer

Gayer! Jesus, Spanish! Our jobs aren't enough; now you gotta take our words?

Malory

But even though Cyril may be clingy...

Lana

Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.

Archer

[after being distracted by Lana in her underwear] Right, because you walked into Strippers Discount Warehouse and said, "Help me showcase my intellect"!

Lana

Strippers Discount? Hel-LO! These are Fiacchi!

Archer

I think it's pronounced "knock-off"!

Archer

Lana. Lana! LANA!!!

Lana

WHAT?!?

Archer

Danger Zone.

Lana

Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.

Archer

Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.

Lana

My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!