Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Ray

So is it just E.Z. coming or...

Randy

No, it's the whole sheriff's department. I'd say twenty men, AR-15s, maybe grenades, oh...dogs! Duh.

Archer

Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Randy

Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.

I'd be delighted.

Ray

[as Archer and Janelle walk out] Well, now, wait a second...

Archer

Fifth thoughts!

Ray

Archer!

Randy

Don't worry, she won't bite. But speaking of, it's about suppertime. You still partial to fried chicken?

Cheryl

[having snapped a rooster's neck] I'll cook it... if someone shaves it or whatever.

Randy

Do you want to have sex with my wife?

Archer

No! I... I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.

Randy

Because we would be amenable to that. Well? Why do you look so nonplussed?

Archer

Because I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" actually meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."

Archer

I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?

Ray

You drank too much!

Archer

That's a thing?

Ray

I'm coming out.

Archer

Ha ha, phrasing.

Archer

Who hunts dogs?

Cheryl

Orientals, duh!

Archer

Where did you learn all that stuff?

Pam

You know I grew up on a farm, right?

Archer

Really hoping that's not relevant.

Archer

And instead of doing my job, I was here...Half-drunk and having amazing sex.

Pam

Well, I wouldn't say "amazing." [Archer looks at her] C'mon, you were pushing rope!

Archer

If anyone found out, I'd literally die of shame.

Pam

And how do you think that makes me feel?!

Archer

I don't care, Pam! [Pause] Having said that, would you please come into this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?

Pam

Oh, alright. [As they go into the stall] But this time, really get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell!

Krieger

I'm not a serial killer!

Archer

Wait, why did you emphasise "serial"?

Cyril

That was a gift to my grandfather! From Frank! SINATRA!

Archer

Which makes me feel even more terrible, since I'm going to puke it back up in five-- [burps] one minutes...

Barry

Is anybody gonna ask how and why I knew to show up here?

Archer

Is...? Okay, I'll bite.

Barry

By tracking the satellite signal from Katya's internal hard drive, which Doctor Dipshit over there bought from the KGB.

Archer

Krieger!

Krieger

Yeah, but... the savings.

Barry

Like, eighty bucks you saved.

Pam

Holy crapsnack, how is this gonna get—

Archer

Don't, don't you say it.

Pam

Any worse, is what I was gonna say.

Archer

[annoyed and sarcastic] Really?

Pam

[serious] Yes.

I heard him tell you to do it.

And I'm telling you to do it.

And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space!

Archer

[in hiding with Lana and Cyril] Wait, there are animals?

Lana

No, Animal Farm.

Cyril

How do you not get that?

Archer

Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.

Cyril

Not an animal farm—

Archer

Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.

Lana

Animal Farm is a book.

Archer

No, it isn't, Lana! It's an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell! And spoiler alert: IT SUCKS! [Guns are pointed at them by Kellogg and the scientist] Although, I was talking about an actual animal farm. So... never mind.

Lana

I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.

Malory

Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.

Lana

As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsely?

Malory

...Pam.

Malory

I'm off for a seaweed wrap.

Ray

[Under his breath] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.