Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Krieger

Press that red button.

Archer

Is it going to kill everyone?

Krieger

Press that blue button.

Welcome, Mr. Archer...

Archer

It does know my name!

...to the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.

Archer

Thanks, Dodge!

[all features shown] Featuring a 440 V8 engine, six-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185. Heavy-duty suspension, runflat tires, bulletproof body panels and windows, twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front, antipursuit countermeasures in the rear.

Archer

It makes the Mach-5 look like a vagina.

The interior boasts mil-spec GPS, satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather.

Archer

Corinth is famous for its leather!

And of course...

[fast, over Archer's hysterical laughter] The in-dash bar is to be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only. Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever ever drink and drive.

Pam

Well go on, give your mom a hug.

Malory

Oh, I don't think that's...

Archer

[Interrupting] Possible.

Malory

What?

Lana

Ugh, he's got an erection.

Archer

It's this Corinthian leather!

Lana

How much did Dodge kick in?

Malory

Not as much as you'd think.

Malory

Who taught you to drive?

Cheryl

This guy I know called my dead father.

Malory

Oh... I...

Cheryl

Yeah, I bet you feel like a dick.

Archer

Well, unless it was the creepy-old-people-bondage-sex police, why would anyone break in here and shoot him?! No answer? Okay, let's ask him. [Pulls off mask]

Lana

Holy shit!

Malory

Because he's Savio Mascalzone.

Archer

Uh...

Lana

Oh, for - The prime minister of Italy!

Archer

The what?! Wait, doesn't Italy use a king?

Lana

No, they don't "use a king!"

Malory

What year do you think this is?!

Archer

I... yeah, exactly. Good question.

Archer

Mother! What is in his ass?!

Malory

Oh, please. Don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.

Archer

Not in a dead prime minister's ass!

Malory

And you can stop repeating that! We've established where it is!

Malory

It was a NATO stay-behind set up to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe.

Lana

But then it sort of turned into this whole weird crypto-fascist CIA shitshow, starring Allen Dulles and a bunch of former Nazis.

Malory

Thanks, Holly Hindsight.

Archer

Lawyer up. Call the cops.

Malory

What?

Archer

Oh, and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I'm gonna have to, uh, bust you in the face a couple times.

Malory

What are you talking about?

Archer

Self-defense, mother! It's your only shot! We'll have to uncuff him and "de-dildo" him, obviously...Smash up the furniture like he was chasing you all rapey. Fortunately, he's Italian so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.

Archer

I bet I'll never be able to have sex again without thinking about this! I bet I won't even be able to eat spaghetti and meatballs. Oh god!

Malory

What?

Archer

I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I may literally die.

Lana

So, we've got a dead Italian prime minister in the living room which--

Archer

Sucks, because I bet he knew how to make sauce.

Archer

What is your problem with the Irish?

Malory

You mean besides not being on our side in World War II?

Archer

Yeah, besides that. Wait, seriously? They were Nazis?

Lana

No!

Archer

Well, they're not Japanese...

Lana

Neutral!

Archer

You got a potato?

Malory

What is this? Christmas? And is Krieger...hard at work?

Archer

He literally might be, yes.

Lana

Ew.

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

Malory

But Krieger, wait. The bathroom, the body, how did you--

Krieger

[puts his finger over Malory's mouth] Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh. You don't want to know. But you do probably want to go wash your lips now.

[pointing gun] Don't you move. Don't move a inch.

Ray

What do you mean, "don't move"?! I came to help, you asshole!

Randy

Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off. There's mines all in the yard.

Archer

Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Cheryl

Uh, get in line.

Randy Gillet, where are your manners? Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside. [seductively] I've got some nice hot pie for 'em.

Archer

Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.

Ray

Oh, please don't.

Archer

It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist... Although hopefully not flaky.