Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Cheryl

That Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome!

Archer

Yeah, he... kinda is.

Pam

After this, I am going to go home, watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.

Cheryl

Just tape them up!

Ray

You're taking me out of the field?

Malory

Well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart...

Malory

If you were in my tax bracket, you wouldn't be shouting such socialist propaganda.

Archer

Or wearing such shitty clothes.

Archer

[On Cyril being a field agent] The last time I tried to train him resulted in a dead hooker in my trunk!

Cyril

There was no dead hooker.

Archer

There could have been!

Archer

Well look on the bright side.

Lana

Which is?

Archer

Which is what?

Lana

You just said look on the brightside.

Archer

Its a figure of speech.

Lana

You're looking for Predator aren't you?

Archer

...yes!

Lana

A, he's invisible.

Archer

Not totally, he has a tell-tale shimmer.

Tomorrow I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.

Archer

Jai alai?

Lana

Well, go ahead and say it.

Archer

What?

Lana

That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.

Archer

Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood!...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family...But, you know...go ahead and start.

Lana

[As she and Archer try to run away] Go, go, go-- [Archer grabs her shirt and pulls her back to the ground as he runs away] AH! Are you really that selfish?!

Archer

Apparently!

Archer

For a second there I thought you were a crocodile on a three wheeler.

Crocodiles on a three wheeler?

Archer

Right, how scary would that be?

Malory

Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

[simultaneously] What?!

Archer

Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck. [turns to leave]

Malory

Where do you think you're going?

Archer

Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Malory

Get back in here!

Archer

Mother, the chevrons are locking!

Archer

I've always wanted to fight on top of a moving train.

Well, if I know my boys, you might get your chance, big guy.

Archer

Thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.

Malory

Have the porter bring me a cobb salad.

Lana

Before or after we capture the dangerous terrorist?

Malory

Before.

Lana

Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.

Archer

Okay... it's not though.

Archer

Does no one seriously know what today is?

Pam

Tuesday?

Cheryl

The rapture?