Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

[To Barry] How are you not dead?

Barry

The Russians turned me into the unholy abomination of metal fused with flesh that now stands before you.

Archer

[While being choked by Barry] Wow, Barry, you're like super-strong!

Barry

Yeah, did I mention I'm a cyborg?

Barry

What part of "I'm a cyborg" are you people still not getting?

Archer

The core concept, I guess.

Archer

So excuse me for needing some time to grieve.

Rip

By tending bar and banging newly weds?

Archer

Apparently that's my grieving process.

Archer

A ruse? Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?

Rip

Let's go, kid.

Archer

Call you back, 1930s. And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg.

Rip

You just killed like ten pirates.

Archer

Wow, if the five year old me knew that, he'd get a huge boner.

Malory

But if the emergency beacon is going off -- oh my God, their plane crashed!

Cheryl

(gasps) I said that would happen and it did! What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?!

Pam

I dunno, just try to only use em for good.

Cheryl

....no.

Can I just run up to my hovel real quick and get the only extant copy of my dissertation?

Archer

Noah, I've still got four bullets.

Oh God! Do you know what ‘extant' means?!

Archer

Do you know what ‘License to kill' means?

... I'll write another one.

Lana

What's your blood type?

Archer

How should I know?

Lana

How could you NOT know?

Archer

Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?

Archer

Your exact words, Pam: “Dr Charles Drew or I will eat a bag of dicks”!

Pam

[Belch] Bring ‘em!

You will never make it to the helicopter. My men will cut you down like dogs!

Archer

Thanks, Human Shield.

Malory

And just how long has he been your hero?

Archer

Since ever!

Archer

[Singing] Eastbound and dowwwwwn!

Malory

I thought that was Richard Petty.

Archer

Which doesn't even merit a response.

Burt Reynolds

...You're kidding me.

Archer

I know, it's like, the world's slowest elevator.

Burt Reynolds

...Why don't you get a bat-pole?

Archer

$9000.

Burt Reynolds

What?

Archer

Lowest quote I got.

Burt Reynolds

Well, that's ridiculous.

Archer

I know. It's just basically putting a pole where the garbage chute is, but all the co-op people were like, "But what are we going to do with all the garbage?"

Burt Reynolds

Well, you just dump the garbage down the same chute. Then you will have a soft pile of garbage to land on.

Archer

Yeah, if you're coming in hot, I know, it's a win-win.

Burt Reynolds

Plus, you were going to pay for it yourself. No assessment or anything.

Archer

Exactly.

Burt Reynolds

...Ridiculous.

Archer

Preaching to the choir, pal.

Burt Reynolds

That's not your car?

Archer

Yeah. What?

Burt Reynolds

Nothing... I just didn't know they sold those to men.

Archer

HOLY SHIT! Burt Reynolds!

Burt Reynolds

Hey, pay attention and you might learn something.

Archer

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection!

Burt Reynolds

How about now?

Archer

It's gone. I'm all ears.