Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Malory

Pam!

Pam

[From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...

Malory

Get your bloated carcass in here!

Pam

[Entering] Whattup?

Malory

You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?

Pam

OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!

Lana

Undercover?

Malory

Of course undercover!

Lana

As what? Russia's only black woman?

Malory

You're still together?

Barry

Ex-fiance, thats what I meant to say.

Malory

Well, then it wasn't meant to be.

Barry

[nervous chuckle] I don't even know... how to respond to that.

Lana

Ohh but he's such a douche bag...

Malory

I know dear, but he's also my son.

Lana

Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.

Barry

Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?

Barry

Lesson one--

Archer

Don't "lesson one" me, Barry.

Barry

According to ODIN's guy in the KGB. Which, as a real agency, we have.

Malory

We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.

Barry

Yeah. So i hear.

Malory

How did... Pam!

Pam

[From outside office] I'm still not eavesdropping!

Come on, we don't have all night.

Archer

Yeah right, like you've got plans.

Good bye, Mr. Archer.

Archer

Hey. Fuck you, you douche bag.

Archer

So Barry, looks like the whole "find out who my father is" thing isn't happening, and so now I just want to get outta here, so I'm thinking that we probably should split up.

Barry

[nervous] No, no, no! No please! A--Archer, your boots are slipping, man!

Archer

Probably because there's 200 pounds of asshole hanging off them.

Barry

183, fat boy!

Archer

Whatever, tell that to my silk socks.

Barry

Why are you wearing silk socks?

Archer

...Is that a joke?

Barry

Archer, let--let me climb up you! No! Please! Archer, Don't!

Archer

Barry. Barry, buddy, this is happening.

Barry

Archer, no!

Archer

So, try to aim for that dumpster.

Barry

[falls from Archer's lower half, taking his shoes and socks with him] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaa!!!

Archer

Bye, Barry. Dead center. Good work, Barry. [angry] Oh, for...why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes?!

Archer

[sounding like Cyril] Hello...

Malory

What in the name of prepaid venereal disease do you think your doing?

Archer

I... uh...

Darling, I know she is old, but you allow such talk from your secretary?

Malory

And don't you want to freshen up after your long ride?

Archer

Phrasing, Mother!

Pam

This deuce aint gonna drop itself!

Archer

You realise I can never unhear that? ... Why are you crying?

Pam

Because I got ripped in a bar last night and I was trying to beat my record for cramming pool balls in my mouth when some a-hole slaps me on the back and...

Archer

No! You swallowed a pool ball?

Pam

I wish just one. And I've still got two to go, so if you don't mind. [Closes door]

Archer

Pam, wait! I had something... what was it? ... Uh, something about stripes and solids.

Archer

So you! [Smack] Can you hack into the KGB servers?

pfft... Does one ring rule them all?

Archer

Wait, does Canada even have a spy agency?

Yes, but...

Archer

Wha-- why? Haha, it's Canada.

Malory

I swear, if any one saw me in this awful van.

Lana

How could they with this illegal ass window tint. Dude, this van is like, rolling probable cause.

Malory

So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.

Ray

Toot toot.

Archer

Is anybody hit? Not really the explosive climax I thought it was gonna be.

Ray

Is nobody gonna touch that? Seriously?