Meatwad quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

[Meatwad is reading through job ads] Hey, here's one. "Looking for dollars? Are you stupid, and gullible, as hell? You may qualify to be part of our dangerous experiment. Bring your resume, wallet, social security, ATM, and all credit cards to Carl's Car Wash. Minorities need not apply, or we gonna sue your balls to the wall." ...That sounds promising.

Master Shake

That job is perfect for you.

Ah no, all these shapes, just freakin' hurtin' my kidneys. Why-why can't people just like me for me.

Master Shake

But sadly, no one does. Not even the president. He's a great guy though.

Oh, here we go. This is the first part of our patented three step treatment. [Garbage juice from a dumpster is poured on Carl's car]

Ya that kinda looks like you're just sorta slingin' dirt on it.

Well that-what that actually is is dumpster juice, which is sort of a combination of rain water and garbage; very acidic. Very harsh on the paint job.

And uh, why are we doing this again?

It's just a precoat. I mean, obviously we need to prep the outer coat for, you know, the cat urine. [Cats are lowered and shaken and their urine spreads on Carl's car] And of course the hammers. [A rotating hammer device is lowered, destroying Carl's car]

What the hell are you doin'!?

Look Carl, lets just lay back down and relax okay [Meatwad puts on a gas mask and gas blows in through a vent]

Whadda? Whadda?

Lets allow the mystery gas to do its work. [Carl sighs as he is drugged] And don't worry, we totally redo the paint [Two cans of green and yellow spray paint are lowered and start spraying Carl's car] in a color of our own choosing.

Ehh, whatever. I'm easy.

Hello, Carl. I too, am Carl. And this is my son, Carl Jr.

(vague jabbering)

We are all Carl.

...neat.

Yes. Yes. Remove his brain!

And why are we here? Why Boston?

Master Shake

Synergy.

(singing to his new pet cat, Terrence) Terrence, you have my heart. Terrence, you have my soul. Terrence, you ate a bug today, he's no longer moving. You spit him out, his shell don't taste good. But you ate part of his brain. This is home, this is Mean Street.

Shake

(grabs Terrence) It is time. (Shake leaves with Terrence to the kitchen, as the sound of a microwave turning on is heard)

Shake

A lot of time, these Korean capacitors can't take this many ohms, and then double the problems when you're trying to defrost somebody's kitty cat in there.

Someone's kitty cat? WHOSE kitty cat?

Shake

Whose do ya think?

Yours?

Shake

(picks up a cat) This is Mr. Sparkles. He is a magician and he is NOT to be touched!

Well then whose kitty cat are we talkin' here?

Shake

Well do the math. You had one, now you have none. What does that equal?

(pause) Terrence, NO!

Shake

Terrence— BOOOOM!!

Terrence! My... (sniffles) skinless love...

Shake

I am the king! (chuckles)

Frylock

Oh, yeah, and the KING is going to sleep out in the yard tonight.

Shake

The grass? That is not a slumber chamber fit for a king!

Frylock

He was a fine pet, good friend, and he was very cherished and...what was he?

It's a SHE, thank you, and his name was Terrence.

Frylock

Oh, sorry, Meatwad, yes, SHE, and now she's gone. Her life (sniffle) snuffed out in its prime — oh, my God, what is that smell?

Shake

I'll tell you what. It's called Carl. Right there, where he dropped that deuce!

Shake

You're not gonna be able to stop him now.

Frylock

What do you mean?

It's called Reedickyoulous. Ain't you never seen the ad on TV? "Hey, baby, come by to PICK you up later," only it ain't "pick" they sayin'. It's another word that sounds like "pick", but it's like an inverted p at the beginning, so, you know, it's a different word that sounds like "pick", but it ain't the word "pick". It's a different word...

Frylock

I get it, I get it.

Shake

Then get it — get me one.

Frylock

What does it do?

Shake

It lengthens, strengthen, hardens, girthens, straightens, satisfies, and fully pleasures your crotch.

Frylock

It doesn't look safe.

Shake

It's not — they've been sued many times, but women don't get turned on by safe. They crave danger.

Yeah, they want a man who'll try anything, no matter how disreputable the company.

Shake

Hey, check that out!

What?

Shake

Yeah, I know! You're sad about it, right?

(still can't hear) What?

Shake

Hold on. (holds up post-it reading, "Your Cat — Dead!!" Meatwad writes one saying, "It's your cat, not mine.") Mr. Sparkles! (Sparkles explodes in microwave)

What?

(Meatwad answers the door and sees zombie animals) It's a reunion. Group hug.

Frylock

Meatwad back away! There all zombified.

Shake

(Comes out and notices the gorilla) When did you get a gorilla?

Oh, you don't remember this guy? back in '02. I got tired of always loosing them hamsters you know. So I splurged, 'get me a gorilla'.

(Speaking in grunts and sign language) Yeah, you don't remember? Shoving me into a microwave?

Shake

[To Carl] Yo, chubbs! Hey, hairball!

[Puzzled] Okay? Hehe, I'm sorry, you talking to me, there?

Shake

You spin around and direct your attention to me!

You had your cholesterol checked recently? You probably got a heart condition coming on. [chuckles] Oh, yeah!

You serious?

Shake

Yes, big boy.

What, you got, uh... you got a death wish or something, there?

Shake

I'm gonna hop in my pool right now and do a few laps, and when I get out, you had better, if you know what's good for you, have a warm towel for me, hot out of the dryer, and I mean HOT! I will not say it again, so if I were you, I'd get those cottage-cheese thighs moving to the laundry room, and eat a salad once in a while. But time is money...

Time IS money! You GIVE us the money!

Shake

And my time right now is devoted to laps.

Hey, you told him, man. You TOLD him!

Shake

Yeah, I know that I did. It's just so EASY.

I'm gonna tell you Milkshake, you mouth is really writing some checks your cup can't cash.

Shake

Is that right? Well why don't you deposit this in your bank of choice!? [Shoots hole in the side of Carl's house] Boom!

No!

Shake

You take it!

The breakfast nook!

Shake

Yeah!

Ah, that was a whole Tuscan theme!

Yeah, boy, you did it, whoo! You did it!

Shake

What? You callin' me boy?

No.

Shake

Do I look like a small child to you?

No, no, of, of course not, of course not. It's a term of, of endearment. I just.. you know, like "I love you, you love me and... well, we big happy family"... p-please don't hurt me.

Shake

Yes yes, sally forth. Fetch me my floatie, knave.

Aww, yeah, boy! I mean... y-yes, sir. Yes sir, I'm doin' that.

Shake

Ah, oh! (Shake is now seen in Carl's pool) We have talked about this before. I like it at 7, this clearly says 6.8.

What's gotten into you, cup? You put fertilizer on your balls last night?

Shake

Yes...but that is none of your concern, and to clarify, you will speak when spoken to.

No I think I speak when I want, it's a free country, jack!

Shake

Oh, you like to be free, huh? Well feel free, to feel your ass burn! (fires his lasers at Carl, flying him off-screen)

(screams)

Shake

So young...so naive.

Frylock

Meatwad, did you get the key?

(shoots lasers at the tree) I got what I need, and now I'm gonna tell you what I want. (shoots lasers again) Yeah! That looked good!

Oh, Meatman... you took his friggin eyeballs out. That's intense!

Frylock

Yeah, you didn't have to take his eyes out man! Damn!

(chuckling) Yeah, I did.

Shake

(Comes out and has two empty eye sockets) Okay, fools! I have re-energised, and you will be receiving the dividends of my constant laser spanking. Where are you? And I'm only going to ask that once. And my second question is, where the hell are my eyeballs?

Y'know, you oughta just go ahead and get the corrective surgery.

Frylock

I heard it messes with your night vision, y'know.

I've heard good things about it, though. Think: not having to have that saline, not having to keep up with glasses...

Master Shake

Listen, the technology's improved: it's hard to say no to!

Frylock

Ehh, it's so EXPENSIVE, though...

Yeah, but it's been going down the past couple of years. This one cousin of mine- you know Terry? He-he ain't a medical doctor- he's self-taught, though. He passes the savings onto you.

Markula

Fryman, this could all go away if you would simply pay me for October...and YOU fix the gas leak!

Shake

I'm not fixing that gas leak for me or anyone else, you son of a bitch!

Frylock

Save it Shake.

Markula

Yes, save it, for tomorrow it won't matter when we play pin the tail on the Shake, and we bob for meatballs, and then we'll play ignore the Fryman.

I'm playin' it right now.

Master Shake

Once, there was a beautiful little girl...

What happened to her?

Master Shake

Her mom threw acid on her face because she was jealous of her beauty!

No...

Master Shake

Skulldilocs! Skulldilocs! Thats what the schoolchildren cried... And she was so upset... she threw acid on the schoolkids faces!

Oh my goodness!

Master Shake

Cause somebody from the bible told her to do it!... now press the button...

I don't wanna press the button!

Master Shake

If you don't press it she's gonna come for you in the night!

With a bucket of acid for my face?!?

Master Shake

Spoiler alert: yes...

No!

Master Shake

Press the button with all your might! Now give me your hand!

NO! I won't do it! (Shake smashes the button against Meatwad, pressing it and causing the book to make screaming sounds)

Master Shake

...the children screamed, again and again and again... Press it again (Smashes it againest Meatwad again. making the book scream again.) Press it again twice fast. (Smashes it against Meatwad twice making the book scream twice.)...and Skulldilocs was never found...Good-night! (Leaves a crying Meatwad in his room and is shown locking the door with multiple chains and bars) See ya in hell! (Meatwad squeezes throgh the bottom of the door.) Fine.