[Scene changes from Summer to Autumn]
[offscreen] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [cut to inside. She is marching back and forth, dressed as Rambo, in front of bazooka guns, army tanks, and barbed wire] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [the doorbell rings; she opens the door]
[in an Irish accent] Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.
[growls] Prepare to eat it, slappy!
[in an Irish accent, screaming, in unison with other nun] Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Ha! Gotcha! [the grenade explodes. All that is left of her is her teeth]
Slappy[to the audience] She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.
[Scene changes from Winter to Spring. Candie Chipmunk comes out of her tree, skinny and tired. "The Dance of the Reed Flutes" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays, at the same time a semitone lower, as Candie, looking skinny and tired, walks over to Slappy's tree. She knocks on the door. Slappy opens the door]
CCCandie Chipmunk
[tired with insanity] I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!
[Skippy Drops an anvil on Candie offscreen]
Slappy
What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
Who cares? Anvils are funny!
Slappy
Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy. [presents the can wrapped up like a baby as Candie comes out after being squashed] Congratulations, you're a mother.
[stunned from the anvil] Who knew? [folds back blanket and sees the can, "You're a Horse's Ass" plays once last time in the background; then grins goofily] Oh. He looks just like his father.
Slappy
Now, you and Mr. Dumpster have a happy life. Buh-bye.
[walks off in a daze] Burp for mommy.
Slappy
Now, for that buttermilk.
Slappy
It could be worse. It could be prune juice.
[Skippy turns to the viewer and shrugs. Fade to black]
[Slappy's cartoons have just received terrible reviews from Lean Hisskill and Codger Eggbert]
Those mean men! How could they say such horrible things?!
Slappy
Now Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.
But they're wrong! You're the funniest cartoon character ever!
Slappy
Calm down, Skippy.
We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy! [runs to a closet and comes out with bandoleers of bullets and a pair of small missiles] Let's go get em!
Slappy
Skippy, no! What are you thinkin'?
[looks sorry] Oh. You're right, Aunt Slappy... [goes back into the closet, and pulls out an even bigger pair of missiles] We'll need the big bombs!
Slappy
That's better, kid! C'mon, let's blow 'em to Kingdom Come!
Slappy
Beat it, ya mouse! You're ruining my cameo.
Your cameo? Hey, what about our cameo, huh?
Slappy
Ah, quit your whining over there!
Hey, who you tellin' to quit whinin'?
BBobby
She's talkin' to you.
BBobby
Yeah, ya are. Now, quit it!
I'm not whinin', you're whinin'.
SSquit
Are we getting paid?
Come, Pinky! Let us return to the story!
[The cartoon begins with Slappy and Walter watching TV]
Has this ever happened to you?
Slappy
Can we change the channel to something without Bob Saget in it?
Well, now there's a fabulous product that can smooth the edges off life's little annoyances.
Slappy
Ah, give me the remote control, already.
WWalter
No! [Slappy claps her hands twice and a hand gives him a slap] Oof! Here you go.
Slappy
You're too kind.
[singing] Slap on, [Slappy claps twice] Slap off, Slap on, slap off. [Slappy claps twice] The Slapper.
Slappy
Works for me!
Slappy
[as a young little squirrel] Sure, you may turn away from me now, but as long as I keep drinking my buttermilk, [drinks the buttermilk as she ages each time she takes a sip] I can count on growing up with a serious lactose intolerance. [burp] And even though I won't be able to digest the stuff, I'm gonna keep drinkin' my buttermilk. 'Cause it'll always remind me of you and the way you snubbed me when I was young and innocent. In fact, in later years, I'll become downright obsessed with that memory. Yeah, I'll spend years trackin' you down. And when I find ya, I'll give you exactly what you deserve, you no-good, heartless, half-witted yutz! [gets out a bomb and it blows up at a guy, laughs]
AAnnouncer
Buttermilk, it makes a body bitter.
Slappy
Ah. What do you know? [throws another bomb at the camera and it blows up]
[First lines; cartoon opens up outside Slappy's tree. Fade to inside. Skippy walks down stairs]
Slappy
Mornin', Skippy.
Hi, Aunt Slappy. What's for breakfast?
Slappy
A brand new cereal from Smellogs, Branimaniacs. [shows him the cereal]
Slappy
That's right, kiddo.
Slappy
You don't...but just look at what's inside! [pouring the cereal into the bowl, in slow motion] Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran, crunchy fiber, natural roughage and...tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head. [sets it onto the table, with a carton of milk, a plate of bacon, eggs, and half of a lemon] It's an important part of this balanced breakfast. So dig in, Skippy. [pours milk on both of their Branimaniacs]
You bet! [eats the cereal]
Slappy
And remember to start your day with Branimaniacs for that get up and go feeling.
[Both eat the cereal, gulp, and, suddenly, their stomachs rumble. Then they shake, and shake again as their eyes merge]
Slappy
I'll race ya.
[They both run in opposite directions. Cut to Warners dancing next to giant cereal box]
[singing] Eat Branimaniacs. Nutritionally, it lacks, but this cereal attacks all of your digestive tracts. It's Branimani-
Slappy
[speaking, looking sick] My stomach's in pain-y
[A harmonica version of "Home on the Range" plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. "Kentucky wilderness 1767" appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing each other, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as Daniel Boone drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone]
[hopping off his wagon] Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. [chops down a tree] Birch is good wood for clothespins. [and another...] This oak'll make a dandy shelf. [and several more...wipe to him and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree] Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]
How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy
Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]
Slappy
Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. [goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree] Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
Slappy
Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now, git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
Slappy
[slamming the door] I got yer cap right here.
No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]
Slappy
Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
Slappy
I was hoping you'd say that. [pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing] Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. [laughs]
[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters! [slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree] Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness. [suddenly, the rope goes limp] Huh? [turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]
Slappy
What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
[angry, turning red] What in blazes are you doin'?!
Slappy
Call me Norma Rae, or Barbara Rae, but I unionised your team.
Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]
[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
SHH! [laughs] I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs, and does a weak imitation of a panther roar]
[Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]
[sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
Slappy
[sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives. [Boone roars again. She walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush] I'm running away like a fat badger! [Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him] The panther's in my bridge club.
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.
[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out]
Who was that, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy
Maybe a flying Wallenda, I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.
[dazed after hitting a tree] Daniel Boone was a great big guy... [thud]
[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
QUIET, you dadgum idiots! This is a dang good disguise. [laughs] That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this tree right in front of her. [using a fake beak to peck at the tree]
[Slappy is serving Skippy when she and the tree get shaken by Boone's pecking]
Slappy
There's no rest for the elderly. [ppens door] Hey, are you Daniel Boone?
Shoot, no! I'm a big woodpecker.
Slappy
Get out of here with that woodpecker thing there. You're Boone.
No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker, and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a-peckin' at your tree for bugs and such? [looks innocent]
Slappy
I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
Slappy
Then, here, I made you some woodpecker lunch. [offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle]
[nervously disgusted] That's...right neighbourly of you, ma'am. [forced to keep up his charade, eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews]
Slappy
Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure, dirt, and rotten bark, eh, Woody?
[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
Slappy
That's nice singing. They remind me of Up with People.
[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.
[offended] That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!
[A rope ladder drops down from the top of the screen. The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick, and Larry - climb down the rope ladder, revealing themselves to Boone]
TTom
Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us!
Yeah, who do you think you are?
LLarry
Hey, we got rights, you know.
LLarry
We got a contract!
Yeah, my agent said the same thing. Come on, this is ridiculous.
TTom
Yeah, what's going on here?
I said, "GIT"! I'm going to blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus! [the Dover Boys leave, climbing up a wooden ladder out of the tunnel as he pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match] If I can't have that tree, then nobody's going to have it! [lights the match and hides in his wagon. He laughs] Now, there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a root cellar, or a... [brightens] root cellar.
[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion...under the wagon]
Slappy
Hey, Boone! I moved all your gunpowder! It was attracting ants!
[screams as he's blown into space] Shoot, dang. OH! [comes crashing back down to Earth]
Slappy
Yeesh. Bet that left a crater.
[Last lines; at the end, Slappy and Skippy are drinking tea by the fireplace]
What do you want to do tonight, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy
How about a little music, Skippy? [to the Dover Boys] Hit it, boys.
[singing] Slappy Squirrel was a grand old dame. Yes, a grand old dame. She whipped Daniel Boone, now she pays us to sing of her fame.
Slappy
What can I say? I love the lyrics.
Animaniacs · 261 quotes
