[A harmonica version of "Home on the Range" plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. "Kentucky wilderness 1767" appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing each other, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as Daniel Boone drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone]
Daniel Boone[hopping off his wagon] Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. [chops down a tree] Birch is good wood for clothespins. [and another...] This oak'll make a dandy shelf. [and several more...wipe to him and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree] Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]
How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]
Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. [goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree] Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
Daniel Boone
Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
Daniel Boone
I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now, git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
[slamming the door] I got yer cap right here.
Daniel Boone
No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]
Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
Daniel Boone
No!
I was hoping you'd say that. [pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing] Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. [laughs]
[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
Daniel Boone
Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters! [slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree] Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness. [suddenly, the rope goes limp] Huh? [turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]
What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
Daniel Boone
[angry, turning red] What in blazes are you doin'?!
Call me Norma Rae, or Barbara Rae, but I unionised your team.
Daniel Boone
Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]
[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
Daniel Boone
SHH! [laughs] I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs, and does a weak imitation of a panther roar]
[Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]
[sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
[sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives. [Boone roars again. She walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush] I'm running away like a fat badger! [Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him] The panther's in my bridge club.
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.
[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out]
Who was that, Aunt Slappy?
Maybe a flying Wallenda, I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.
Daniel Boone
[dazed after hitting a tree] Daniel Boone was a great big guy... [thud]
[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
Daniel Boone
QUIET, you dadgum idiots! This is a dang good disguise. [laughs] That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this tree right in front of her. [using a fake beak to peck at the tree]
[Slappy is serving Skippy when she and the tree get shaken by Boone's pecking]
There's no rest for the elderly. [ppens door] Hey, are you Daniel Boone?
Daniel Boone
Shoot, no! I'm a big woodpecker.
Get out of here with that woodpecker thing there. You're Boone.
Daniel Boone
No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker, and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a-peckin' at your tree for bugs and such? [looks innocent]
I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
Daniel Boone
Dang straight!
Then, here, I made you some woodpecker lunch. [offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle]
Daniel Boone
[nervously disgusted] That's...right neighbourly of you, ma'am. [forced to keep up his charade, eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews]
Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure, dirt, and rotten bark, eh, Woody?
[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
That's nice singing. They remind me of Up with People.
[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.
Daniel Boone
[offended] That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!
[A rope ladder drops down from the top of the screen. The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick, and Larry - climb down the rope ladder, revealing themselves to Boone]
TTom
Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us!
Yeah, who do you think you are?
LLarry
Hey, we got rights, you know.
LLarry
We got a contract!
Yeah, my agent said the same thing. Come on, this is ridiculous.
TTom
Yeah, what's going on here?
Daniel Boone
I said, "GIT"! I'm going to blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus! [the Dover Boys leave, climbing up a wooden ladder out of the tunnel as he pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match] If I can't have that tree, then nobody's going to have it! [lights the match and hides in his wagon. He laughs] Now, there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a root cellar, or a... [brightens] root cellar.
[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion...under the wagon]
Hey, Boone! I moved all your gunpowder! It was attracting ants!
Daniel Boone
[screams as he's blown into space] Shoot, dang. OH! [comes crashing back down to Earth]
Yeesh. Bet that left a crater.
Animaniacs · 261 quotes
