AAudience
[offscreen, as the words "You Risk Your Life" appear on the screen] You Risk Your Life!
Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.
[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
[Yakko cuts through the curtain with scissors, then slams his head on the stage a couple of times. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Thank you. Oh, Scratchansniff. Why don't we bring out our first two contestants?
Okay. She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin. He is the world's greatest philosopher. Please, welcome Mrs. Myra Puntridge und Aristotle.
[The curtain reveals Mrs. Myra Puntridge (actually Elmra Duff from Tiny Toons Adventures), and Aristotle. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Welcome to You Risk Your Life. Say the secret word, and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.
[offscreen, whispering] Today's secret word is "Yes."
Now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right?
MPMrs. Myra Puntridge
Oh, correct.
What kind of homes do you make?
[stock footage of a live-action audience laughing plays]
And, Aristotle, let's see here. It says you are a philosopher, is that correct?
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head]
Congratulations. You said the secret word. Well, are you both ready to play you risk your life?
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]
You said the secret word again. Congratulations. All right, you've chosen the category "Vocabulary." Here's your question. "What word is the opposite of 'No'?"
[Mrs. Myra Puntridge and Aristotle whisper]
[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]
Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.
Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills. Good night.
[comes out of her tree, drinking a can of diet walnut soda] Aah, diet soda. Heh. Gotta watch my figure. [showing her legs] Hey, somebody's gotta watch it. [chuckles, and walks away from her tree]
[from the window] Where're you going, Aunt Slappy?!
To the store for some buttermilk.
Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.
[Slappy is walking by a white picket fence, drinking her diet walnut soda. She opens a trashcan, but notices Candie Chipmunk's tree. She winces. She throws the can away into Candie's trash can, and starts to walk off]
Probably. Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right?
Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle?
Allen Funt is a dead man.
That is my trash can. I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
[walks back to the trash can] Let me get this straight. You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can?
That's right. Do you have a problem with that?
No, but now you do. [takes the can out of the trash can]
[relieved] Thank you so much. Buh-bye.
You're welcome so much. Buh-bye. [Candie closes the door; to the viewer] If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. [cackles]
[Skippy, dressed as a Girl Scout, rings the doorbell. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]
Hey, miss lady. Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help Squirrel Scouts to be more like you.
Isn't that appropriate. I'll take one box. [Skippy winks at the viewer. She takes the box and goes inside. Skippy speeds off] I love helping out children less perfect than I. [opens the box, takes out the same can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She growls]
[Wipe to Slappy's tree where and Skippy laugh. Candie throws the can at the back of Slappy's head offscreen]
Oof! [her hat landed on Skippy's head] Let the games begin.
[Slappy, dressed as a lawyer, rings the doorbell offscreen. Candie opens the door]
Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law. My card. [shows card] Ipso facto on this date-o, your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
My, my. Oh, why, thank you. [takes the crate into hertree. She carries it into her living room] I wonder what it could be. [opens the crate with a crowbar. She looks and searches through the packing peanuts] Aha! [finds the same can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She becomes angry, and her teeth break]
[Wipe back to Slappy's tree where and Skippy are laughing again]
[stops laughing] Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. [gets bonked on the head with her can. Her hat lands on Skippy's head again] In other cases, it's the only thing.
[Candie skips out of her tree to her mailbox. She opens the mailbox. She opens an envelope]
[reading letter] "Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations. You have been chosen to appear on the new game show entitled 'The New Game Show'. Come to the studio right away." Imagine me on a game show. What'll I wear?
[Wipe to The New Game Show. Candie wears corn around her head]
HHost
All right, Candie. You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a lexus, The Love Boat, Cher's house, and the planet Venus.
HHost
Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind curtain number 3?
[Show girl shows the curtain]
[in unison with Wakko] Hello, nurse!
[The curtain reveals both Slappy and the can. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. Candie shakes with insanity. Cut to Slappy's tree where she and Skippy watches TV as Candie explodes offscreen]
It's a toon thing. [a knocks on door] Shoot me [she opens the door, and Candie throws the can at her head from outside the tree offscreen] Look at that, she ain't recycling.
[Scene changes from Summer to Autumn]
[offscreen] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [cut to inside. She is marching back and forth, dressed as Rambo, in front of bazooka guns, army tanks, and barbed wire] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [the doorbell rings; she opens the door]
[in an Irish accent] Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.
[growls] Prepare to eat it, slappy!
[in an Irish accent, screaming, in unison with other nun] Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Ha! Gotcha! [the grenade explodes. All that is left of her is her teeth]
[to the audience] She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.
[Scene changes from Autumn to Winter. At Christmas time, Candie is at her typewriter, repeatedly typing "All work and no cans make Candie a dull Chipmunk". Santa Claus comes down the chimney. A surreal suspiciously irritated Candie's eyes roll behind her]
SCSanta Claus
Ho ho ho, have I got something for you.
"Candie: [gets out of the chair; sarcastic] Mmm, a present, from Santa Slappy? Let me guess, could it be...A CAN?!?!
SCSanta Claus
[to the audience] Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it use to be. [scurries back up the chimney]
[Scene changes from Winter to Spring. Candie Chipmunk comes out of her tree, skinny and tired. "The Dance of the Reed Flutes" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays, at the same time a semitone lower, as Candie, looking skinny and tired, walks over to Slappy's tree. She knocks on the door. Slappy opens the door]
CCCandie Chipmunk
[tired with insanity] I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!!!!!!
[Skippy Drops an anvil on Candie offscreen]
What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
Who cares? Anvils are funny!
Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy. [presents the can wrapped up like a baby as Candie comes out after being squashed] Congratulations, you're a mother.
[stunned from the anvil] Who knew? [folds back blanket and sees the can, "You're a Horse's Ass" plays once last time in the background; then grins goofily] Oh. He looks just like his father.
Now, you and Mr. Dumpster have a happy life. Buh-bye.
[walks off in a daze] Burp for mommy.
Now, for that buttermilk.
It could be worse. It could be prune juice.
[Skippy turns to the viewer and shrugs. Fade to black]
[Last lines]
Would you stop please? I'm trying to concentrate on the next plan for tomorrow night.
Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
[remembers] Oh, yeah. Try to take over the world. Right.
They're dinky. They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
