[reading a note] Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight and threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up. I would rather be turned into cream chip beef than to see you go to jail because of me. You're welcome. Anyway, I had to take, the car.
[reading a note] Tell Willie to calm down. I'll leave the car on Highway 71 just outside Edwards Air Force Base. Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it.
ALF's joining the air force?
That's where the Alien Task Force is.
[arrives at the farm after running away from the Tanners] Hello? Anyone in here? I, uh I ran out of gas just down the road. Hello? Interesting aroma. Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a key to the house. I need to use the phone. [the cow moos] Sorry. I guess I can relate to you. We're all prisoners in one way or another. But must it be so? I cannot change my own destiny, Maybe I could change yours. Go! Get along, little doggy. Yee-hah!
Willie, how did you find me?
I saw the car parked down by the side of the road. I followed the empty candy wrappers here.
I was going to pick them up on my way back. They were to help me find the car.
You neglected to fill the tank.
ALF, you don't have to turn yourself in.
No, no, I know who's blackmailing you. And he doesn't think you're an alien, alien. He thinks that you're an illegal alien.
You mean I almost turned myself in because of semantics? [yelling] I ALMOST TURNED MYSELF IN BECAUSE OF SEMANTICS!
ALF, why did you- Why didn't you come to me before you did something this drastic?
I did come to you. If you'll recall, you didn't believe me.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.
Besides, he threatened to have you guys arrested. I thought I'd work through this myself.
ALF, what was the last thing you tried to do by yourself?
Build a skating rink in the living room. Egad! A pattern.
We'd better get out of here before somebody sees you.
Ok, but wait. We can't leave my friend.
Yeah. I named her after your wife.
Bossy. Besides, you know what happens to them.
ALF, this is a milk cow. They don't slaughter milk cows.
They don't? You lying cow! Come on. Let's hit the trail, Willie Earp.
[sees a light flashing] Somebody's coming.
I'll hide in the kitchen. Where's the kitchen?
FFarmer
[turns on the light and meets Willie] Who are you?
I'm Willie Tanner. I'm from the city.
FFarmer
What're you doing here?
FFarmer
I know what you're doing. You're a chicken thief!
FFarmer
I really hate thieves. They're always taking things that don't belong to them. You win.
Well, look here, My car ran out of gas down the road. I was just wondering if, maybe, i could get some from you?
FFarmer
Why didn't you say so? Sure. I can fill this up for you, I got a tank.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Say, how much would you want for that?
FFarmer
The nearest gas station is a 4-hour walk. Kind of cold to be walking in jammies. Thank you. I'll go fill this up for you. [leaves the farm as ALF comes out]
He was nice. Why didn't you tip him?
Just get back to the car.
Ok. Race you back to town.
No. There's not going to be any racing. Kate's going to drive our car, I'm going to take Trevor's.
Ok. Just a second. Bossy, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourself and watch that cholesterol, huh?
Jake. Jake of diamonds. Jake K-L-M-N-O-P. [Jake rolls the dice] Are you still thinking about that girl?
Ever since I saw her star in that school play, I can't think of nothin' else.
What do they call this temptress?
And how does, Laura, feel about, Jake?
She doesn't know I'm alive!
No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."
[comes in the garage] Hi, ALF.
Willie, what's another word for beautiful?
What's another word for attractive?
What's another word for alluring?
What's another word for annoying?
That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with Oh, Baby.
What are you working on there?
This is a missive of love onnbehalf of young Jake Ochmonek.
Disgustingly so. But he thinks of himself as just another scrawny gawky, geeky kid. You remember the feeling, Willie.
You better, uh, you better be careful, ALF. You can get into trouble playing Cyrano.
No, I'm talking about "Cyrano de Bergerac." It's a play. I-I've got a copy of it somewhere. It's-it's a classical French play about a man named Christian who falls in love with a beautiful woman but he is too embarrassed to talk to her.
WWiliie
Exactly. So he gets his friend Cyrano to-to write a letter to the girl for him because Cyrano is-is so gifted and sensitive.
Cyrano's a great romantic but he is ashamed to talk to women in person because he's got a very big, [pause] and they all lived happily ever after.
Whoa, whoa! Big-big-big, big what?
Well, why didn't you say so?
Well, I thought I, I mean, I, I thought I-
You thought I might be offended because this Cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter and I happen to take a husky in snout warmers?
No problem. I'm not that vain.
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I, I guess I misjudged you.
[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.
Hence the crackling noise.
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]
Mmm, what smells so good?
ALF, do you have something in the oven?
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.
[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.
[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
Ours was a polite society.
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[Lynn comes in the kitchen]
Who was that at the door, sweetheart?
Dad, really. You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the problem?
Just a little, difficulty with, a guy.
And you say you understand your daughter.
Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.
I was really looking forward to it.
Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?
I think I might be free. I'll check my week at a glance.
It wouldn't be right to get another date. Danny and I are going steady. Kind of.
Well, did you exchange socks?
What exactly are you talking about?
The 3 stages of courtship on Melmac exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint and spit in each other's soup. Well, you got to admit it's a bond.
When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?
There wasn't one specific moment.
But he's not seeing any other girls?
He didn't say that exactly.
But he doesn't want you to date other guys?
I don't know. He probably doesn't.
So you have no promises, no lint, no spit. What do you have?
If you need me, I'll be in my room.
This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey into Danny's chowder.
Know what's wrong with you, Willie? No sense of romance.
[confronts ALF] ALF, what have you done?
Nothing. It's Danny. You shouldn't date somebody so unreliable.
Just that he could make it back in time for the dance after all.
Don't worry. I told him not to bother 'cause you had another date. You're welcome.
It's not a real date, it's just Randy. Because we're friends and we were not going not together.
Don't panic. I not know what not to do.
Call Randy, you tell him you have amnesia. Better yet, tell him he has amnesia. He'll buy that. Alright, you tell him the truth. Your boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble. Hey na, hey na, your boyfriend's back.
I was going to explain to Danny that I'm just going with Randy as a friend. Now, thanks to you he's gonna think that I'm seeing somebody else! There's Randy! But don't think this means you're off the hook!
[goes into the kitchen] Well, this is the last time I play Kelly Girl for you.
Good! [opens the door revealing it's Danny] Danny.
DDanny
You, uh, you mind if I come in?
[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.
But you told me never to play with my food!
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.
[arrives home with ALF's new pet] If you could, uh, dismount for a moment there's something I'd like to show you.
Alright. This saddle's giving me splinters anyway. Whoa, boy, whoa!
I decided it might be good for you to have a pet after all.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll feed him oats every day. I'll even name him after you. White Beauty.
It's not a horse, but it's something I think you'll like just as much.
You're right, Willie. This is just like having a horse. You actually paid money for this?
You were robbed! An old soda bottle left outdoors gives you the same effect.
You're missing the point, ALF. Ants are fascinating. And with this, you get a chance to watch them work and play in a natural environment.
Willie, you call green windmills and plastic trees a natural environment?
Ants don't care about that. All they want is a place to tunnel and dirt they can call their own.
Well, they're your pets. You get to feed and care for them. And in return, they-they let you in to their private lives.
They live in a picture window! What kind of private lives can they have?
Would you rather I return them?
Could they be exchanged for something with fewer legs and a saddle?
[goes upstairs to the attic singing as Willie hides his ant farm behind his back] Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
Hi, ALF. I brought you a present, ALF.
Hey! An ant calendar. Thanks, Lynnie. The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
ALF, I think there's something you should know about your ants.
I know, I know. Ants can't read. It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Actually, I was referring to something else.
Well, you remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats when they fly too close to your ship's heat shield?
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant when it's left in the sun too long. [gives ALF his ant farm]
You sure they're not sun-tanning? [he cries in shock after his ants passed away]
[worried] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.
[laughs and tickles as he wakes up] Kate, cut it out!
No! I'm not touching you.
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.
[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.
I'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.
Just once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over?
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?
[mad] Why did you do this?
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.
If you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.
ALF, you've got to get over this.
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.
Trust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Nothing doing. This time he's mine.
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?
In the middle of a picnic.
[at the end, ALF is eating all the picnic leftovers]
[comes in] I see you found the picnic leftovers.
It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.
Amazing. You ate all that chicken?
Yeah. I didn't even want the last 2 pieces. It was just the momentum.
Well, you seem to be back to your old self.
I guess I still have this dull ache inside.
You've been through a great deal of pain in the last 24 hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.
Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! [belches loudly as the episode ends]
[ALF is in the kitchen tying knots]
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, but I can't get it to not slip.
Say, that's not my good string, is it?
Willie, If you have good string. You've got to get out more.
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00. We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
Don't tell me, Willie. You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Must you make that joke every time you see Brian in his uniform?
Well, I think you look great, B.
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything?
There has been more to my life than going to work, you know.
I know. You also take off your glasses and rub your nose a lot.
I was a badger scout for 4 years. I earned 11 badges, and I received an award in fire prevention, which has proven far more useful than I ever would have dreamed possible. Brian. Let's go.
These aren't very good knots, ALF.
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Bye. Car keys. [as he leaves with the keys, the tablecloth comes off because ALF tied the keys to it]
[ALF is in Brian's room helping Brian pack]
It's in the closet. I'll get it.
It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.
Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?
I don't care. Pack whatever you want.
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.
How come you don't want to go camping?
No, but there's a first time for everything.
I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.
Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.
That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.
Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.
I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.
[comes in Brian's room] Where don't you want to go?
Camping with the badger scouts.
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.
So revoke my security clearance.
You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]
Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.
We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.
Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.
Might be fun. Sleeping outside.
Breathing clean, fresh air.
Being right under Lynn's window?
What do you want I should bring?
