[comes in the kitchen with her school papers] Well, I think I finally figured out which courses I should register for.
Oh, did you choose a major?
I was thinking about art history.
Oh, honey. I-I mean it's admirable that you're interested in art but do you think that's really a practical thing to major in?
Well, we have a saying in college those who can do and those who can't major in art history.
I majored in art history.
You were the exception, dear. We never laughed at you.
I suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements wasn't nearly as interesting as drawing population pie charts like you social science majors.
I never drew a pie chart in my life. Oh, okay, okay, once I drew a pie chart and you know what? It wasn't bad.
And where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not. It's not in the Louvre.
Uh, that reminds me, hon, um, we're having a pool at the office. What year did Van Gogh die?
The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
[Jake arrives as Brian is sitting down in the tent]
Well, it's not too scary yet.
Wait until it gets dark and the moon moves behind a cloud. And the fog rolls in. [laughs evilly]
I'm going back in the house. [he leaves but Jake stops him]
Wait. Relax. Relax. There's nothing there in the dark. That's not there in the light. Except bats. [ALF comes in grunting with his stuff] What do you have in here, ALF?
Just a few carry-on items. They'll fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me.
I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.
Hey, you got a search warrant?
[opens ALF's bag and looks at the stuff that ALF bought] Meatballs? The Great Outdoors? Ernest Goes to Camp?
It's the wilderness trilogy.
What are we supposed to do with these?
You didn't bring the VCR? Hey! Those are rentals.
What else have you got in here? Nothing.
No frappes. Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz?
Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.
Come on, Brian. Help me pack this junk up.
He's right, ALF. We have to go by the badger handbook.
No cheez whiz? No frappes? No VCR? What's the point of going camping?
That is the point of going camping!
I thought that was the point of going to prison.
Look, ALF, this was your idea. Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok?
[the phone rings]
[answers the phone] Hello? No, cancel the pizza.
[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]
Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.
It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?
Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.
Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?
Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.
So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.
[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.
ALF, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!
So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?
[ALF is hiding under a blanket in the attic]
There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?
Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.
How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?
Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.
We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?
Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?
Then you help him. I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.
Big ones. Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?
I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for Brian.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?
[ALF and Jake arrive back at their tent]
Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.
Well, just one more. The headless stockbroker.
Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!
Hey, he is in here. He's sleeping.
So much for being afraid of the dark.
Well, my work here is done. See you at brunch.
Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you deserted him?
Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.
I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy. Here I come. Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy. I'll be in my sleeping bag. Good sluggy. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?
Nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness!
Well, at least zip me up! [Jake zips up his sleeping bag] Hey, hey, watch the fur!
It's for your own protection. We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?
It's right after the stock market crashed. There was this headless stockbroker! [laughs]
You know, Jake? There are places you can go for that.
[when the cat is meowing, ALF tries to escape but he is stuck in his zipped sleeping bag]
This is the worst night of my life! [tries to get up but falls asleep]
Kate, I'm sorry I made fun of your major, so, I brought you this. It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, social workers, art historians, shipping magnates. They're gonna inherit ALF and be broke anyway.
Oh, Willie. This is lovely. I'm sorry if I overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly. As pie charts. Silly old pie charts.
Well, I finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice. You're majoring in nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects I have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major until I'm a junior anyway, so I'll decide then.
Can you come out here and help me with my knots?
No, I'm busy, ALF. If you want help, come on in here.
Alright. [he comes in from the living room tied up]
Oh, come over here, I'll untie you.
I would, but I can't seem to drag the piano any farther. [he still gets stuck while Willie comes to untie him as the episode ends]
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.
[the doorbell rings]
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.
You can pretend that in the kitchen.
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
EElaine
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?
EElaine
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.
Oh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?
EElaine
Please, don't go to any trouble.
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
7:30 tomorrow will be fine.
EElaine
Nice meeting you.
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]
[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]
AWALF and Willie
Fuzzy lamp.
[from the window] Yo, Jake!
ALF, how long have you been out there?
Long enough. For but what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.
Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?
You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember? Anyway, I'm glad you're not going back to New York.
Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom. You know, there's nothing like the love between a mother and child. Except, maybe the love between two florists.
Give this back to Mrs. Tanner, would you? And, uh, tell her I'm, we're sorry.
So what happens to your mother now?
I guess she'll go back to her doctor.
Well, I hope he's an eye doctor. This is the ugliest pin I've ever seen! Looks like a blood clot. Ha. Blood clot! Ha! Oh, I kill me. [Jakes closes the bedroom curtain]
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
You're not giving away my Tupperware.
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear!" [laughs] I love that scene! Brilliant!
It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
So what, Jake hammer? Haven't you heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.
It's Jake Ochmonek, the next-door neighbor.
[opens the cabinet] I found him!
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
[singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [the baby doll drops] and this is how we drop it.
Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?
Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?
It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
Obviously, not long enough.
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
[comes home from work] I'm home.
I hate when he does that.
Something I should know about?
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Nothing I should know about.
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
Don't you mean, Push, push?
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]
Honey, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.
ALF, what are you doing here?
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!
You left out fat and cranky.
Help me out of this bed, Willie.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.
[wakes up] Must have dozed off. [he gets up and meets Eric] Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.
Did I miss something here?
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.
Guess I'll never know, will I?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.
[Brian leaves]
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.
