We've found him. We've found Elvis.
Oh, good. I was getting tired of looking for him.
I'm serious, Willie. The king lives 2 doors down.
Well, look, Raquel said this guy's in his 50s, he has a Southern accent, and he likes to sing.
Who else could it be? Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee Lewis, Huckleberry Hound?
No, no, no. Those guys would never live next to the Ochmonek's.
I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
OK. How about this? Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
ALF, you are grasping at straws.
[shouts at Willie] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis. [Willie runs away to the kitchen] Well, at least I got his watch.
[pops his head up] Elvis has left the building!
It was not Elvis Presley.
Are you kidding? He was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.
ALF, he didn't seem like Elvis to me either.
Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.
Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.
I bet I can get it out of him.
[yelling] Leave the man alone! Leave him alone!
So what are you saying? Leave the man alone? [Willie and Lynn leave the garage after they ignored ALF's question] I won't rest till I prove this man is Elvis Presley. [yawns] But first, I think I'll take a nap.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
How did you know it was our idea?
Who else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
AAndrea
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
AAndrea
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
AAndrea
Oh, what a cute room.
AAndrea
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
AAndrea
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the nursery and confronts him]
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
What is the matter with you?
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes in front of Elliot] See, allergic to babies.
[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
We will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
[ALF moves to Jake's room at Trevor and Raquel's house after he left the Tanners]
[goes to his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [he opens his closet and throw his cloth inside as ALF gets out of Jake's closet with his face covered with Jake's cloth]
ALF! ALF, what are you doing in here?
I've run away from garage.
What are you talking about?
Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.
I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.
You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.
I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?
ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?
Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.
ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.
We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.
[Willie and Brian are in the kitchen cleaning up after Kate's baby shower]
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
I don't know. I don't know nothing.
[comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
What, did you lose something?
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
How do you know he's missing?
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks house]
[still hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks' house as throws a cloth to the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
[opens Jake's room] ALF? What are you doing?
All that I can with these pieces.
[worried] Come home with me this instant!
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
[comes in Jake's room] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Why would you want to live here?
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
On whose behalf are you speaking?
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
[Willie covers him with a blanket]
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.
Oh, I was looking for our cat.
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.
No, the baby's not even born yet.
Then let's just go home and burp.
[at the end, ALF is sent back home in his room]
[reading "The Berenstain Bears' New Baby" book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
[comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
That's very nice of you, ALF.
Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves as the episode ends]
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Yeah, going on three years now.
No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
[off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Good morning. I'll take it.
Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
[reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]
[Willie comes out of the kitchen and sees the mess that ALF made in the living room]
ALF, I'd like to hear about it one more time.
Don't torture yourself, Willie.
Just once more. Why'd you flood the house?
I wanted to make a skating rink.
And how are you planning to freeze the water?
By turning the air conditioner on high.
I'd like to hear about it one more time. Just one more, come on.
This is not a bergman movie, Willie. It's fairly cut and dried. Water, air conditioner, holiday on ice.
I'm going to go for a little while. I'm going to rent a pump for the basement. Just tell me one more time. Just one more-
Willie, go rent your pump.
Now, I'm going to rent A PUMP! [leaves the house]
What was all that about? [telephone rings and he answers it] Your 2 dimes.
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ACAnonymous Caller
This is someone who knows you're an alien. And if you don't pay me $3,000 by Friday, I'm going to turn you in to the authorities.
Ah, the number you have reached is not in service. Please hang up and dial again.
ACAnonymous Caller
Don't get cute. I'll call you back tomorrow morning with more details, pinhead. [hangs up the phone]
Ah. Ok. Don't panic. Willie'll help you. He always helps you. I'm dog food.
[ALF is in the attic using binoculars]
[comes in the attic] Hi, ALF.
Sorry. I saw your light on.
You can't sleep? How do you expect me to sleep? In 24 hours, I'm going to be hamburger helper.
Would you stop the ground meat metaphors? Nobody's going to turn you in to the authorities.
You don't believe me either, do you, Lynn?
You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger, they'd do something about it. So why don't you just get some sleep, ok?
Ok. I'll see you in the morning.
Night, Lynn. [the telephone rings as he answers it again] Hello?
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ACAnonymous Caller
You got the money?
Um, I'm working on it. Who should I make the check out to?
ACAnonymous Caller
Nice try, pinhead. But you better come up with the cash or it's too bad about the Tanners.
ACAnonymous Caller
They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you, but I guess a little jail time never hurt anyone. [laughs evilly and hangs up the phone]
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And so do I.
