ALF · Season 2
[Willie goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge late at night]
[voiceover] If you're looking for the roast beef, I set it free.
[goes to ALF's room] Hi, ALF. I didn't know you were still awake.
ALF's asleep. You're talking to me. [laughs]
Can't you pack any faster?
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.
[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?
I'm running away from home.
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
[satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Shut up and keep packing.
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.
I don't know why I stay friends with you.
Because I'm your alter ego.
You're my what?
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.
I can't take that. It's Willie's!
[Willie and Kate come in the garage]
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.
No! No!
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.
That's it, mister! You are kindling!
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]
But I don't wanna smoke.
It's good for ya.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Willie, what? What did you do that for?
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.
You get what you pay for.
[comes to the living room to meet ALF while Paul is continuing to crush peanuts with his head] Hey, ALF.
Larry!
Nice seeing you again. How are you?
Hey!
Oh, great! Look who walked in. You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here.
Who's he?
Paul, this is Larry. He's a shrink.
Tell him to beat it. I'm small enough as it is. [laughs]
So, uh, what's new?
Well, certainly not your suit. When they made that, there was only one Brooks brother. [laughs]
You're really a riot. I'm surprised you don't get along with the Tanners.
Well, it's not my fault. I like the Tanners.
Speak for yourself.
What's wrong with the Tanners?
Too many stupid rules. Don't eat the cat! Don't break the dishes! Don't eat the cat!
ALF, do you object to these rules?
Yeah, especially rules numbers 1 and 3.
I think I'm beginning to understand.
Oh, wait. You haven't heard all the rules. Don't throw food on the floor! Don't eat food off the floor! Don't bonk the guests!
I never heard that one.
Great! Bonk! [hits Larry's leg] Still friends?
Funny. Funny guy. Oh. [Larry leaves and goes to the kitchen]
[voiceover] More nuts. [he continues crushing the peanuts with his head]
[Larry heads to the kitchen and meets up with Kate and Willie]
What's wrong with ALF?
His dummy's a jerk.
I'm glad we asked for a professional opinion.
More plates! That picture taunts me still.
We're out of plates.
Break something else, ALF.
Like what? How about something small, wooden, and obnoxious?
Leave Kate's meatloaf out of this.
He was talking about you. And he's right. You are obnoxious.
Yeah. Well, you're a mama's alien.
Paul, you said you were my friend.
I lied.
Think about it, ALF. Do you really need a friend like Paul?
He's right. I don't need you.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Yeah?
Yeah! Say goodbye, dummy!
Goodbye, dummy!
You shouldn't have bonked a guest.
How are you feeling, ALF?
Great! I'm on a house-wrecking high.
He means how do you feel about Paul?
Well, I guess I'll miss him. But I'll get over it. I'm over it.
He'll be all right. To prove it, I'll send you a bill.
ALF, do you really feel okay about this?
Yeah, I've lost a friend, But I've regained my left hand.
We're so happy to hear it.
Now, if memory serves we were chucking plates at grandma.
Morning, ALF.
Hi, Lynn.
[voiceover] Hi, Lynn.
Don't do that.
Boy, nobody likes that joke. Willie and Kate almost fell out of bed. Brian threw a gobot at me.
Well, we're all glad Paul's gone. He is gone, isn't he?
Yeah. In fact, last night, I gave him a traditional Melmacian funeral. I laid him to rest, in the same way I hope to be someday.
Where is he?
In the freezer, next to the fish sticks.
[Lynn finds Paul stuffed in the freezer which startles her when she opens the door as the episode ends]
[trying to get rid of the drawing on the wall] When, how, why did you do this?
Half an hour ago. Crayon. Seemed like a good idea.
Well, it's not coming off.
Maybe they won't notice.
They won't notice, because they won't be coming here.
If I were paranoid type, I'd think this had something to do with me.
[Willie is painting through ALF's drawing on the wall while the phone rings]
[walks and answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush.
[gives ALF the brush] Well. Okay, but don't paint with it.
I won't.
Don't eat it. [he walks away]
He didn't say not to lick it.
It's implied.
Rats!
Hello?
Hi honey, it's me.
Hi, Kate. What's the matter?
Well, nothing really. But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night.
Here?
Yes, she just had a big fight with John and she's very upset. I'd like to help her out. But honey, can we manage it?
Well, the sign's almost covered. [ALF goes up the ladder and reaches for his drawing] All we have to do is hide the artist.
Okay, we'll be home in 30 minutes. She can sleep on the couch.
That's no problem.
[falls down from the ladder as paint wets the couch] WHOA!
ALF!
Can she sleep on the floor?
[Maura is in the kitchen and ALF comes in]
Hi!
Uh oh!
Nice try, though.
Huh?
Come on, Sammy. Did you honestly think that you would fool me with that silly disguise?
Sammy? Sammy who?
What do you mean? Sammy you!
You know me?
Of course. Quit fooling around. Sit down and have a drink.
Well, maybe a short one.
You realize I'm a figment of your imagination, not an alien from another planet? Right?
Of course.
Just checking. Gotta run! I've got other dreams to appear in.
Knock it off, Sammy. You're not going anywhere.
I'm not?
No, we've been through all this before. That is the strangest I've ever seen you look.
You should see me in a tank top.
This beats the time you showed up as the dog in the cowboy suit.
How often do I show up?
You arrive during the 3rd margarita, and leave during the blackout.
At least I'm consistent.
Here, salud! [gives ALF a drink]
[sniffs] Holy owned and operated! What is this stuff?
What do you mean? We've been drinking tequila for 7 years.
Did I ever ask what's in it?
Nope, you just said it tastes better than it smells.
Let's hope so. At least there's a worm in it. [gasps] I was wrong.
About what?
This tastes worse that it smells. [coughs]
[the next day, ALF is groaning from drinking the tequila he had last night]
Willie, what's that?
I don't know. It sounds like an alien groaning, and groping his way along the hall.
That's what I thought. ALF, what are you doing?
Groaning and groping, and looking for a place to do the technicolor yawn. Ohhh.
What's the matter?
I've been poisoned, Willie. Earth germs. I saw it in "War of the Worlds." Before aliens can destroy the planet, the earth germs get them.
What are you talking about?
My tongue feels hairy.
Your tongue is hairy.
What did you eat?
Just the usual, everything. It's what I drank.
What did you drink?
I think they call it tequila.
You have a hangover.
You shouldn't be drinking.
Hey, I'm over 21. I'm over 221.
You got into the liquor cabinet?
No, Maura got into the liquor cabinet.
You saw her? She saw you?
Yeah, now we're seeing each other. I don't think it's going to work out. She's a booze hag.
[angrily] That is NOT true! I WON'T HAVE YOU INSULTING MY FRIENDS! DO YOU HEAR ME?
Oh boy, do I! This isn't a criticism, Willie. But your wife's voice seems unusually grating this morning.
Drinking is not good.
Tell me about it. I'm off the sauce forever. It's that Hooch Monger you have to worry about.
Will you stop insulting Kate's friend?
What would you call her?
Her name is Maura. It's always been Maura. Except in college, we called her Boilermaker.
She played ball for purdue?
She drank 14 boilermakers in one night. I guess we thought it was funny, at the time.
Kate, I would like to apologize for losing my temper. If you will apologize for what you said about Maura.
Apology accepted and given. If you'll excuse me, I have to drive the porcelain bus. [runs to Kate and Willie's bathroom]
Is he really that hung over?
Apparently. Maybe we ought to what sort of shape Boilermaker is in. I mean Maura. What shape Maura's in.
Boilermaker? Did you say boilermaker?
Yeah, that's what we called her in college.
Why did you call her that?
Because she drank too much. Let's face it, Kate. She still does.
You think that she's an alcoholic?
I don't know. I think you should talk to her.
But, honey. She's so successful, motivated and miserable.
Rough night, last night, huh?
Oh, no rougher than usual.
Maura, I-I-I don't know exactly how to say this, but are you aware of how much you drink?
Well, I drink, but no more than anybody else. I can certainly handle it.
I'm not so sure about that. I think that you might have a little problem with this.
[chuckles] Oh, Kate. Kate, I had a huge fight with my husband. I'm under a lot of pressure at the firm. [outside, ALF hears Maura] It helps me relax, that's all. I don't have a drinking problem. Look, Kate, I had a few drinks last night because I was happy to see everybody. I had one or two more here before I went to bed but that was it!
[comes in the kitchen as he mimicks buzzer] Wrong!
Sammy! Kate, do you see-
She can't see or hear me, Maura. Only you can. I'm your drinking pal, remember?
[in his first dream; inside a cage] Look at this. They've got me wired for cable. Let me see. Which was the button for a cheeseburger? [presses button] Ahhh! That's not it! [presses another button] Ahhh! I've got to label these buttons. [presses another button] Great. I wiped out half my childhood memories for celery! Hey, you! Come here.
Yes?
How did you get out of your cage?
I work here.
Sorry. I'll give you $5 to let me out. $10, if you clean the cage while I'm out.
Can't do it.
Please! I've got to get out of here. I've got a family, I've got a life, I've got a cake in the oven!
You should've thought about that before exposing yourself, specimen ALF/1.
I'm not a specimen. I'm a spaceman. Get the teeth fixed, Boris. [presses button] I guess there's still no word from the governor. [ALF's first dream ends] Well, you're living in the Dark Ages, Willie or won't he?
[hosting his late-night talk show in his second dream] My, oh, my. We're having some fun tonight. Later on "Stupid Pet Tricks," you'll see a cat do a 50 foot dive into my mouth. Oh, I almost forgot. Say hello to Willie Tanner, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, babe. I want to thank you for bringing me on board after you fired Paul Shaffer.
Oh, you're welcome. Willie boy, he does it all, including my laundry. [he laughs as his second dream ends]
[goes to the bathroom and opens the shower to find ALF sitting down on the tub] ALF?
Welcome to ALF-catraz. How was the party tonight?
Oh, it was okay, I guess. Jake broke the pinata. Trevor bruised a couple of ribs diving for the candy. ALF, what are you doing?
When Melmacians try to drown our sorrows, we gravitate towards cheap imitation porcelain.
I'll have you know, this is expensive imitation porcelain.
We also eat more.
How is that possible?
Well, our spare stomachs open up. By the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
Oh, you mean my soap on a rope?
Trust me on this one.
[goes to the bathroom and gives his meal to ALF] Here you go, ALF
Oh, wow, you really are depressed.
I need something to wash this down. Got any ketchup?
Coming right up. Dad, we've got to do something about this.
You're right.
You may not want to watch this, Willie.
Oh, I've seen you eat before, ALF.
[ALF slurps his entire meal as Willie and Lynn leave the bathroom]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
