Honey, would you like some breakfast?
No, I'll just have this cinnamon roll.
Sorry, we're out. [he takes the cinnamon roll away but Willie grabs it off his hand]
S2 E21Movin' Out
[ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]
I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.
I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?
I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.
I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.
[comes in] Hi.
Rats!
Just what I wanted to see in my bed.
Thanks. Cracker?
It's 11pm. What happened?
I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,
Freeway.
Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.
We were just discussing that, when you came in.
Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.
Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.
Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.
[picks up the phone] Hi, Brian?
Hi, daddy!
I'm very busy.
What are you doing?
I'm assigning parking spaces.
I thought you were a social worker.
I'm very busy ALF. I can't talk now.
Put me on hold. I'll listen to the Muzak.
Goodbye, ALF.
Oh, ALF.
[pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.
This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.
What was number 9?
What possible reason could you have had for this?
Nobody wants to move, including you.
How do you know that?
Because you're a social worker.
What's that got to do with anything-
Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?
Yes.
Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?
You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.
Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?
I don't know.
I win.
[comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-
No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?
Yay!
Oh, do you mean it, dad?
Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?
Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.
Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?
Actually, it was ALF who convinced me we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.
Oh! Although, instead of destroying the house, why didn't we just talk about it? That was plan B.
[pops his head out from the basement] Hey, great. Now we've got a furnished basement. Whoa, I am outta here! [he heads down to the basement as Kate and Willie are shocked as the episode ends]
S2 E22I'm Your Puppet
Hey, I saw one of these guys on TV, he was hillarious!
I think I'll call him Paul.
Paul? That's not a goofy name.
Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
I'm running away from home.
PPaul
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
PPaul
None of your business! [laughs]
I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
PPaul
Shut up and keep tacking.
PPaul
Give me some nuts.
But I don't want any nuts.
PPaul
I do! [ALF gives him some nuts; he crushes them with his head]
Paul, you said you were my friend.
PPaul
I lied.
Say "goodbye", dummy!
PPaul
Goodbye, dummy! [ALF throws him on the floor]
[opens the door and sees Pete with ALF's package] Oh, hi, Pete.
Hi, Willie. Another package for ALF Tanner.
How much?
$29.95. You got off easy this time.
There you go. I'll see you.
Yeah. Probably this afternoon. [leaves]
Oh, ALF. I have a package and a lecture for you.
[comes to the living room for his package] How come those things always come in pairs? Oh boy! It came! [he and Willie fight over the box while ALF opens it]
Oh, ALF, what is it this time?
Beats me.
You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet.
Sorry. [he eats one of the styrofoam and spits it out] Yuck! They're stale.
Look! It's a ventriloquist's dummy.
I saw one of these little guys on TV. He was hilarious! [Lynn gives him his dummy] Come on, dummy, speak to me! Just my luck. He's a mute.
What should I name him?
I don't know. Their names are usually goofy like Mortimer Snerd, Knuckle-Head Smith.
I think I'll call him Paul.
Paul? That's not a goofy name.
It is on Melmac. One time I called a guy "Paul", I ended up with 14 stitches. Good thing I didn't call him a "Son of a Paul".
Ta-da! Welcome to the Tanner dinner theater. Starring Gordon Shumway and Paul!
Oh, ALF, what are you doing? We were just-
There will be no talking during tonight's performance. And now, our opening joke. Say hello, dummy!
PPaul
Hello, dummy!
[ALF laughs]
Oh, brother!
Oh-oh! The crowd looks tough.
PPaul
So does the roast beef. [laughs]
Hey, Paul. It looks like they're glad to see you.
PPaul
Oh, that's cause with me on your hand you can't grab all the food!
[the family laughs]
We kill us!
ALF, how did you get so good so fast?
Well, I pick things up pretty quickly.
PPaul
Except for those Styrofoam thingies. You shoved them under the rug!
[Willie goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge late at night]
PPaul
[voiceover] If you're looking for the roast beef, I set it free.
[goes to ALF's room] Hi, ALF. I didn't know you were still awake.
PPaul
ALF's asleep. You're talking to me. [laughs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.