[nudges Shelby on top of her head] Shelby? Shelby, wake up.
W-where am I? Tree Trunks, what's going on?
Uh, you've been snoozing on my dome. I just woke up in this room with these fellas: Nectar, Ice Cream, and one of the Lemoncarbs.
Awake! Avast! Hold tight your buns, if buns you do hold dear, for time has come to wake and run AND NOT GIVE WAY TO FEAR!!!
What are those awful words?!
I am reading the wall. They are wall words.
[reading] "Beyond this room are a thousand rooms, outside of them still more."
"Behind each door on every floor, danger, danger evermore!"
"Stranger, hark! The traps galore may kill you whilst you do explore to free yourself..." [Ice King stops scribbling on his book, looks back at the others]
Ice KingHuh? Oh! Now where were we? "To free yourself from this tomb and nevermore re-enter, find the room amidst the rooms that lies exactly center"? [glowing orange lines form a map on the walls]
[walks to a color-coordinated door] This door lead to the center exit!
The door is secured with an esoteric encryption system.
Ice King
[picks up Tree Trunks] Well, that's okay 'cause you can "hack the mainframe" or whatever, right, BMO?
I'm not BMO. I'm your son, NEPTR. I-I throw pies.
Ice King
[beat, drops Tree Trunks] Ahhhs!! I grabbed the wrong robot! Dirt! Nuts! Face!!
Uhh, what is going on here, Ice King?
Yes. I am getting a weird feeling in my stomach, and I think it's 'cause of you, Mr. Wizard. You'd better fess up to whatever you're doing. I got no time for nobody dancin' around and actin' a fool at my expense. I'm Tree Trunks, and people know I'm kind and honest. That's why people like me. [Ice King scribbles his book]
Ice King
Huh? Wha-what? What was she saying?
So stop sellin' fib bibs and give it straight.
Ice King
Oh!! All right! I knocked y'all out and brought you here! [puts book in his beard] I'm sorry, but I had to do it! Each of you possess the exact qualities to pass the various tests of this dungeon. Tree Trunks, with your baking skills... Lemongrab, with your lemony, juicy...
Ice King
Yeah... Shelby, who should have been the bait for the fish.
Ice King
And BMO, who should have been here instead of this weird piece of junk that I don't remember nothin' about. [NEPTR strolls to the side] Argh!! I failed!
Father, look at me! [he throws a baked pie at the door, it short-circuits and recoils itself; Ice King gasps] Are you happy with me now, Papi?
Ice King
[pants] Yes! Yes! [picks up and hugs NEPTR] Oh, my son! The grand prize of me loins!
Marceline, why'd you invite Ancient Chubs to play basketball?
Hahh... [beat] Well, he's very dear to my heart. I love him.
..What you are talking about, Marceline?
We've been around for a long time. We've had a long history together, it's.. it's a long story.
Ice King
Yeah, lay down, Marceline! Go to sleep. Right, what're we talkin' about?
Ice King
Ahem! Anyone having any... [robotic voice] computer problems? [a laugh track plays out and stops in recorder he is holding]
How do we stop the computer worm, you pile of goo?!
Ice King
[cackling] My worm exists beyond your comprehension within the universal source code!
STOP TALKING LIKE A NERD AND GIVE IT TO US STRAIGHT!!!
Ice King
Once the glitch does its work, the whole world will be deleted except for me and my Bubblygums. [he moves to smooch Bubblegum; she keeps him away with a tree branch which she throws at his face] Ow!! [stammers] Well, see y'all! I'm gonna prepare for my... date. [teleports away. A glitched donut person runs out screaming]
DPDonut Person
Aaah!! My beautiful face! My hopes and dreams ruined! [screams distortedly, runs away]
Don't worry, Princess, we'll take care of this thing.
Oh, me too. [loads her candy tranquilizer gun] I'm gonna take care of it, too.
(At Ice King's castle, Bubblegum, consumed by anger, begins smashing his computer with a bat.)
STUPID...COMPUTER! (grunts) YOU... SASSAFRASSIN'...HAMMASLAMMIN'...WHAMMAJAMMIN' (delivers a battle cry as she bodyslams the destroyed computer.)
Ice King
[on tape recorder] "No way! I'm no rat! I am bound by the sacred trust of esoteric knowledge!"
"Say the password, Ice King!"
Ice King
"You think I'll just hand you the keys to the city? I'd rather DIE."
Ice King
"OW!! MY PINKY!! Ow.. Thank you. You know, no one has touched me in months. Could you touch me again?"
Ice King
"AHH!! OH OWW~!!! WIZARDS RULE!! THE PASSWORD IS "WIZARDS RULE!"
Ice King
Oh, man! Times! I call times! [encases himself in a larger version of his head, whimpers]
It's only okay if the person who's making the fun is someone that I'm [punches off nose] cool with.
Ice King
We're totes cool! I-I-I'm Ice King!
[continues punching parts off] And they do it in a respectful and knowing way!
Ice King
Respect? I got all kinds of respect! [she lands down]
Oh, yeah? [a moving snow bear approaches behind her] Then what's with that stupid, smirky face?
Ice King
Smirk? Why, I smirk when I'm nervous.
SBSnow Bear
Ugh, bear hug!! [crushes her]
WHAAAH!!! [cools down, Finn gasps]
Ice King
And also when I'm about to win! [cackles] Boo-yah! And I didn't even get to test out my new fireproof grundies.
Put it away, man! You didn't win nothin'!
[Finn and Jake find Ice King in their bathroom]
FJFinn/Jake
The Ice King?! Grrr—eugh!
Ice King
Geez, you couldn't wait two seconds?
Ech... Why are you stinkin' up our house?
Ice King
Didn't you get my text? It said I'm stayin' with you guys— [takes out banana phone with Gunter keychain] oh, didn't go through. Well, anyways, I knew you wouldn't mind since it's sorta your fault I'm homeless, right? [searches duffle bag]
Ice King
'Cause you tricked your crazy ex into melting my Ice Kingdom?
Ice King
With your lies and secrets? 'Member when that happened?
Dude, you can't stay here if you're gonna stank it up with your bad vibes, man! [Ice King sprays air freshener, Finn and Jake cough]
Ice King
Yeah, I'm just crashing here while the penguins rebuild. I've given Gunter temporary reign.
[see Gunter, wearing Ice King's crown, constructing ice structures]
Ice King
Should be fine.
Flame Princess isn't crazy.
Ice King
You're blind, Finn. You're blind! Wait, she isn't here, is she?
Ice King
Whew!
She said she wanted time to herself. [walks out]
Ice King
Yeesh!
Yeah. Breakups are tough.
Ice King
Heh. Yeah, like remember how you and I were married?
Hey, Simon, how would you like to stay in the coolest hotel?
Lumpy Space Princess stays there! That's how cool it is!
We'll even put you up for a few weeks until your place is ready.
Ice King
Ah, but that sounds lonely. I'd just like to stay here with you guys. Having roommates is nice. Keeps me out of my head. Gunther only says "Wenk". What's up with that?
[chuckles nervously] Yeah. [Jake drags him away to the kitchen]
Finn, I'm ready to murder the Ice King.
No... uh, I have another idea.
[FInn and Jake jumps downstairs to see a black-skinned demon holding Ice King and Abracadaniel by their necks]
KOKee Oth
Joshua! [Finn and Jake walk to Kee Oth saying "Kee Oth Rama Pan..."] Don't say another word, Joshua, or their throats are going to get it! If you speak the words to banish me, I'll reduce your friends to ash.
[pause] Kee Oth Rama P— [Finn covers his mouth]
KOKee Oth
I'm not bluffing, Joshua! If you do not willingly return my stolen blood, I will destroy him and him! [Finn and Jake run towards the demon-blood sword's holder]
Scary! [Finn takes the sword]
I just can't do it, Jake. This is Dad's sword!
You don't have any other choice! Do it!
KOKee Oth
Do it!! [Finn's eyes water; breaks the sword in half using his knee. Blood-red mist rises from the pieces]
[Finn and Jake then wave the blood-red mist to Kee Oth. He drops Ice King and Abracadaniel. He becomes red and much bigger]
You got your blood. Now get outta here!
KOKee Oth
All right, I'll go. Psych! Got you now, Joshua!
[Kee Oth catches Jake in his right hand. He starts cackling and vanishes with Jake being engulfed in fire. Finn drops down on his knees while Abracadaniel and Ice King scratch their heads]
AAbracadaniel
Uh, hey... so, uh, I should be getting home.
Ice King
Uh, yeah, me, too. Hey, Abracadaniel, you wanna hang out at my place?
AAbracadaniel
I thought your house broke.
Ice King
Psh! Ice Kingdom's been rebuilt for weeks. [they both leave; Finn is shellshocked with his broken sword in his hands]
Ice King
Lumpy Space Princess?
Ice King
And you're doing this because you like me?
No, Ice King, listen—I'monna give you the straight dope.
Ice King
Okay.
You're weird and old and you kidnap princesses.
Ice King
I know!
But I asked here tonight because I want to know what you think of this. [presents a book]
Ice King
"The Prince Who Wanted Everything. A Fionna and Cake Adventure"? Hey, why isn't my name on there?
I want you to read it, because you're their dad. Please be their dad right now and bring them to life!
Ice King
[sigh] Okay, might as well. Least until the cops show up.
Gunther?! Gunther, can you hear me?!
[Groggily] Yeah—yes, Master Evergreen!
Okay, good. Now, aiming at the sound of my voice, throw the crown so it lands right on the top of my head.
No, no, there's no time! It must be you, Gunther!
Don't worry, it's easy. Even a mush-head like you couldn't donk it up too bad. Just focus on your deepest truest wish, the destruction of the deadly comet, and the rest will take care of itself.
[Places the crown on his head] My deepest truest wish... [Darkness overtakes him] Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no!
Gunther? Buddy? What are you wishing for down there? [Gunther sprouts white hair, a long nose and blue skin and starts shooting ice powers... all just like his master, Evergreen. If that isn't bad influence, Glob knows what is.] Gunther... no... That's the wrong wish! You've got to snap out of it! Use a concentration spell or, or a basic focusing charm—like I taught you... I mean, like I meant to teach you... I—
Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no!
Ice King
Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, no! Gunther, noooooo! [Imitates explosion sounds - signaling the end of Evergreen's story - and falls off the bed and wakes up full, yawns]. Mornin'. Man, what a dream. Do you guys ever have the dino-boy dream with the astero-- what? What... what is it? [He sees the penguins shivering in the corner, afraid] Something in my teeth? Something in my hair? Something in my nose? Something in my ear?
Ice King
Oh, my lamp. My beautiful lamp of so many years... Speak to me.
LLamp
[spoke] Hello? [Ice King flips her over] Hello.
Ice King
A lady? Unexpected bonus!
LLamp
Well, one isn't purely defined by their sex or gender. I have yet to find out who I really am. I have freedom, no longer bound by the limits of my cord. Freedom to shape my reality, and in turn be shaped by it.
Ice King
[chuckles] You talk funny. Like a book.
LLamp
Oh, humor! Humor is the highest form of intelligence.
Ice King
Well, hey, here's somethin' funny. [doing a string of hand farts] It sounds like a butt!
You did a tremendous job guarding the cabin, Jake. But it looks like you need to be relieved.
Yeah, I need relief. PB still working on new vampire-busting gear?
Yeah, but she's almost done. No sign of Marceline, though. I think she ditched us to fight the vampires by herself—solo-style. We'll go look for her after PB's device is up and running. So, how did you pass the time?
Patted my laps and made some rhymes. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop... [walks into cabin, Finn sees something]
Is that PB's outside clock? [sees grandfather clock punctured with holes] Looks like it's been staked. What did you do?
[turns around, groans] I heard a loud snap, and my vampire-hunting reflexes kicked in!
Dude, that was her Uncle Gumbald's outside clock.
[squeaks] She doesn't have to know I broke the clock. Let's blame it on the vampires! [stretches his arms] Or we can hide it! Whoop! [pushes clock into the forest] Problem solved?! Yeah?! [Finn hi-fives] Whoop! [runs into cabin; Finn pauses for a beat]
Aahh!! What was that?! Vampiyah!! [continues throwing his stakes screaming. Pan up to see Ice King sitting on a high branch]
Ice King
Snap, snap, snapping branches for fun.
Well... finally did it, big guy. You won. Well played. [watches Bubblegum, Finn and Jake as they subdue the giant cloud monster] Just kind of wish you would've gotten it over with a thousand years ago and saved us all some trouble.
[the giant cloud monster passes underneath Marceline, drenching her as it heads to the Candy Kingdom]
Better late than never, I guess. [sighs, sings]
Smelled something bad
Just a sec, now it's gone
Was it there all along?
Smelled like garbage and cheese
Was it just on the breeze
Or was it me?
[another voice sings along] Was it reality? [she sees a flying ice wizard]
Ice King
You remembered my song! [chuckling, lands down]
Simon? Wh... what are you doing here?
Ice King
Well, I saw through my peeping scope that everything was going boom and exploding and monsters, and all my friends were in grave danger and horrible torment.
Ice King
No!! I felt left out. I'm just a phone call away, you know. [Marceline hugs behind Simon, tearing up]
I'm sorry, Simon. Next time, for sure. [sighs, sits down] Anyway, you don't want in on this fight. This one's a loser.
Ice King
[sits beside her] Oh, I see. Sittin' this one out, huh?
Yeah, I guess. And don't try to talk me out of it.
Ice King
What? No, no, I'm right there with you. You and me, we're survivors, right? Like cockroaches or rats. Sure, you could fight and try to save the day, but what if you lose? Then what? You could die! Better to run and hide like a rat. Right, buddy? [holds her in his embrace]
[pushes him] Unh! Did you just call me a cockroach, Simon?!
Ice King
What? No! No, no, no... no.
Ice King
..Yes.
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
