Ice King quotes from Adventure Time

Finn

Ice King! How many times have we warned you about using love potion?

Ice King

That's why I'm using honey.

Jake

Man, who cares if it's honey? You stink anyways!

Finn

[laughs] Yeah. You stink so much I'monna ground you for a week.

Ice King

What? You can't do that!

Finn

You're grounded for two weeks!

Ice King

YOU'RE grounded for two weeks!

Finn

Three. Weeks.

Jake

Ohh, snaps!

Ice King

Why!? I didn't do anything..!

Finn

Four weeks...?

Ice King

Okay, mister, you are really trying my patience! How clear can I be?! All I want you to do is hit them—on the shoulder, or something. [punches Scorcher's shoulder] Are you even listening? Oh, I get it. [takes a wad of dollar bills] Here's double the grease to not kill Finn and Jake. [Scorches incinerates money] You trying to hustle me, Scorcher? Okay. I'll play this game. How about this prize piece for your pad? [turns on singing deer head on a plaque]

I wanna live, live, live I wanna live, live, live— [Scorcher burns it]

Ice King

NOOOOOO!!! Huh. Okay... How about these bad boys—night vision x-ray goggles for when you have a lady houseguest? [Scorcher burns goggles off his face] Auh!! Come on! At least renegotiate the target! You can destroy my least favorite princesses. What about Lumpy Space Princess? [Scorcher burns LSP picture] Ghost Princess? I can't even hold her with my love mitts. [Scorcher burns GP picture] Aw, geez! Uh... [Scorches blasts fire in front of his face] Oh! A-A leg cramp, in my leg! Ow, ow! O-Oh, this is so embarrassing. I'll be right back. Ow! Ow!

Ice King

[sighs] Think, baby. Come on. Ah! [pulls laptop out of his beard; starts typing "hitman hitman"] All right, let's hit the hitman, right? There's got to be a... Ah! "Blastronaut—#1 solution for all hitman problems." Sheesh! $99.95?! That's nuts! [clicks "place order"; enters target name] "Scor... cher." ["target acquired"]

Ice King

Sweet!

Ice King

No!! Come back, you wussy!! [turns to Scorcher] Ooh, that was weird. [Scorcher clenches his fiery fist] Was that your friend, or something? [chuckles nervously] Look, a supermodel! Look, a hoverboard! Look, the apocalypse! Someone got hit in the boingloings. [beat] Hit in the boingloings! ..Boingloings! Boingloings! Somebody got hit in them. [Scorcher turns left] Peace out!

Ice King

Oh! Freakin' butt! Butt, butt, butt!

Jake

Hey Finn you awake

Finn

Well not really

Jake

I had a dream about meatman last night

Finn

[appears next to him] Wow really?

Jake

Why are you doing this, Ice King?

Ice King

Why? Because I love you guys! But you don't love me, do ya?

Jake

You tried to kill us, like, four times!

Ice King

I only try to kill you 'cuz you're PRINCESS-BLOCKIN' ME ALL THE TIME!

Ice King

Well, how 'bout I make us some omelets?

Jake

...That sounds pretty good, actually.

Ice King

I'm going to put my foot in it. Eating a part of me will bring us closer together! I'll be inside of you! [laughs]

Ice King is the hottest hottie, and I can't wait to marry him....

Ice King

"..said Fionna! Then she turned to Prince Gumball and said, 'I hope Ice King will sweep me off my feet and take me to the farthest corner of Ooo, where we will do nothing but kiss and eat a whole bunch until we get fat and die!' The end." So, what did you think of the fan fiction I wrote about you guys?

Finn

[encased with Jake with manuscripts beside Gunter] Uuhh...

Ice King

Tell me you though it was GOOD!!

Finn

[squeaked] Awh, it's good, it's good! It's REALLY good dude, it was amazing!

Ice King

"Hello, dear diary. Pretty good day so far. Got up bright and early, had a healthy and slimming breakfast, did fourteen minutes of cardio, and then I finally got around to..." [continues]

Jake

Dude... what are we watchin'?

Finn

I think it's the Ice King's diary.

Ice King

"I mean, I'm not gonna win carpenter of the year or anything, but it's a place to hang up the old toothbrush." [a Gunther jumps on bed]

Gunther

"Wenk." [walks to the camera]

Ice King

"Gunther. Hey, Gunther. Get-get away from the camera, sweetie. Papa's recording his innermost thoughts. 'Member, I explained this to you? [Gunther rubs his belly] Hey, Gunther? [Gunther jumps up and down] GUNTHER!!"

Gunther

"Wenk."

Ice King

"Well, anyway, as you can see, I'm not wearing my—"

Gunther

"Wenk."

Ice King

"I'm not wearing my—"

Gunther

"Wenk, wenk."

Ice King

"Sweetie, I raised my voice because you were giving me the silent treatment. You understand?"

Gunther

"Wenk."

Ice King

"I love you."

Jake

Can we fast-forward?

Finn

N-No, man. We might miss something.

Ice King

[sighs] "There must be more to life than this."

Gunther

"Wenk."

Ice King

"I know, you don't like when I'm contemplative. C-Contemplative? No. Con-tem-plat— C— Let's put on a play!"

Jake

What?! [cut footage to Ice King in PB makeup and Gunther with crown and beard]

Ice King

"Oh, Ice King, you're so cool! You take such good care of yourself! I wanna be with you! [Gunter then pulls off beard] No, Gunther, beard stays on."

Gunther

"Wenk."

Ice King

"Gunther, I need you to wear the beard!"

Gunther

"Wenk."

Ice King

"Gunther!"

Jake

Hey, pause it, Beemo.

Finn

There's gotta be some evil secrets in here. I wanna keep watching.

Jake

Okay.. Well, why don't I make us some snacks? [sluggish] So I don't have to watch this...

Can we sit on the floor? I feel so far away from you guys.

Ice King

[thru Beemo video, crying] "Oh, diary, thank you for listening to me." [continues crying]

Finn

Fast-forward, Beemo.

Ice King

[sped up] "Sorry, I've been meaning to tell you something insanely private. But darest I? I...love...to... [grunts] fill my bathtub full of milk and sit in it like I'm a magic angel! There, I said it. The white of the milk is so dense, and when I poke my little toes out from under the milk, they startle me and I giggle. I giggle, diary! They're my own toes, yet I giggle, and then I fall asleep. And the milk curdles and I get all stinky and sticky. Disgusting, diary, l am disgusting! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting and I smell like curdled milk! [crying, walks to camera] Anyway, back to the Turtle Princess."

Finn

Play, Beemo.

Ice King

"So there we are. Turtle Princess is frozen and in my little ice wheelbarrow, and there was... magic in the air. We were both feeling it. [pauses] But before I can leave the library, Finn and Jake show up! You know how Jake is—stretch this, stretch that, bah! He knocks off my crown and then Finn bonks me on the nose! Still hurts too. The worst part is, Turtle Princess took away my library card! [sigh] Y'know, dear diary... I'm starting to worry that all these entries sound exactly the same, and that my life is just me running in place on some... giant hamster wheel."

Ice King

"Good morning. You're watching the evening news. There's been an unfortunate event. Let's go talk to some witnesses. [he turns camera to a caged Wildberry Princess] Princess, what is your name?"

"Please, let me go home!"

Ice King

"So, Princess Please-let-me-go-home, tell me. What was it like to experience this tragedy?"

"What? I can— I don't, uh, uh..."

Ice King

"Yeah, we're on air, honey, so spit it out."

"I... I don't know what you're talking about."

Ice King

"Obviously traumatized and in a state of shock. Let's go ask somebody else something. [turns camera upside-down; zooms to Wildberry Princess] Upside-down Princess, do you think things will change politically because of today's events?"

"You're really frightening me!"

Ice King

"Well, there you have it, folks. [flips camera back] People are very upset that Gunther tried to eat Ice King's socks. Very upset! That's why Gunther has to stay in the corner."

"Hello. My name is Simon Petrikov. I am recording this tape so that people will know my story."

Ice King

Oh no! Turn it off, Beemo, turn it off!!

"I was studying to be an antiquarian of ancient artifacts. Now I never believed in the supernatural stuff myself, just had a fascination with superstitions. But everything changed when I came into contact with this item."

The Ice King! [both seated, with Ice King behind]

"After purchasing this crown from an old dock worker in northern Scandinavia, I brought it home and excitedly showed my fiancée Betty, and jokingly put it on my head just for a laugh or something. And that's when it started. The visions... I fought with them... Shouted at them until I realized it wasn't real, it was the crown!! I quickly took it off... and saw my fiancée in front of me — looking at me with such contempt. What had I said? What had I done when I wore this crown? All I know is I never saw Betty again."

"Since then, I see the visions always whether or not I wear the crown. They tell me the secrets... the secrets of the ice and snow... that the power of the crown will save me with its frost. I don't yet know what this means. As you can see, my skin is beginning to turn blue. My body temperature has been lowering at a supernatural rate, to what is now about 30 degrees Celsius. I don't know when it will end. I'm really scared."

"I know my mind is changing... but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things... If I do things that hurt anyone, please.. please forgive me...."

"Just watch over me until I can find a way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity!! And then maybe Betty, my princess... maybe you will love me again. [sobs] Please love me again, Betty!!"

Ice King

[at Ice Kingdom] I said I don't know! [groans] I have nothing to do with this!

Jake

Stop lying! We found your fingerprints at the crime scene!

Ice King

What?! Really?!

Jake

Uh... no. [Finn laughs]

Ice King

Oh, well... then why did you say that?

Finn

Ice King, we know you did it!

Ice King

Finn, I'm as concerned as you are. There's some sicko out there. What if he comes after my princess?

YOUR princess?

Ice King

Yeah. Let me introduce you to my new wife.

Ice King

Oh, wait. You mean I'm the guy stealing all the p— Yeah, okay, I get it now.

Ice King

Here it is. I hope you like it. [unveils ice sculptures of Ice King and Monster Wife holding hands]

Hmm...

Ice King

You like?

Is there something wrong with me? The way I am... it's not normal, is it?

Ice King

[embraces her] Ohh, pretty baby wife. You're the most normal thing in my whole life. We're like two normal jelly beans sitting at the bottom of the jar, floating in a sea of olives, waiting for somebody to guess how many jelly beans are in the jar, which I mentioned.

I don't think I understand.

Ice King

Just look into my eyes and know that everything is okay.

Ice King

[echoed thru vent] This is total bunk, you copier! You're only in love with her cos I'm in love with her!!

Lady Rainicorn

Ice King!

Ice King

I've been playing this game a lot longer than you, pal! I've been working my moves, smooth-talking her, showing her magic tricks! Don't ignore me! Come back!!

Ice King

Ah, let's see. [looks at sign above shop door] That's the symbol for magic items, right? [sees Huntress Wizard standing nearby] Hey, this is the magic items shop, right?

What's it look like, ya donk?

Ice King

I know that, I know! Why can't they write it on the sign, though? Why's it all gotta be secret? Let's just put it all out there, huh? Equal distribution of magic to the people! No more symbols! No more initiations! You feeling me, Huntress Wizard?

You tryin' to get killed, Ice King?

Ice King

Uh-uh, I was just steppin' to ya, girl, with my intellectual wizard politics. [she leaves; whispers] No, don't go! Ugh. Well... "Swing at every ball," that's what Jay T. Dawgzone says.

Ice King

Hey! What's goin' on here? Why's this place all crazy? I was just flying by and— [sees Gunther, gasps] GUNTHER!! YOU TOOK MY STUFF!!

Gunther

Wenk.

Ice King

That's bad! You know what you get now?!

Gunther

[sadly] Wenk...

Ice King

That's right, you get the squirty-squirts. [squirts spray bottle at Gunther] Bad! Bad! Now take off my demonic wishing eye.

Ice King

All right, Gunther, now go home.

Gunther

[walks off] Wenk.

Ice King

That's right, walk! And while you're walking home, you think about what you did! [sighs] It's getting worse and worse with him. He just— he hates it when I leave the castle. I'm sorry, guys.

Jake

Uh, dude, where have you been?!

Finn

Yeah, and why are you all jacked up?

Ice King

[chuckles] Well, I got into some crazy wiz-biz over at Wizard City. Honestly, I don't even know how I survived. Basically, it was the craziest showdown ever. I— [catches himself] I wish I could tell you all about it, but you know... "Wizards only, fools." Keep it tight.

Ice King

Hold on! [drops down on the floor] Do you... like me?

Marceline

Of course I do, you old jerk!

Ice King

Really? Wow. [wipes sleeve, spreads his arms wide] How about... one of these? [Marceline pauses for a beat. She embraces him, visibly bittersweet] Ah! [they pull back and look at each other's eyes; he then puckers his lips] Mwah, mwah, mwah... [Marceline gasps]

Marceline

AUUHH!! Not like that!! Dah, you don't remember anything, do you... Simon?!

Ice King

What-mon?

Marceline

Why do you even come see me when you don't remember me? You don't even know who you are!

Ice King

Yes, I do! I am a lyricist! [pulling pages out his beard] It's all here, on the page! The page! In song, baby! On this receipt! On this takeout menu! On these newspapers! [laughing]

Marceline

Huh? [grabs a page] Look! This clipping! This was you, Simon! Before the war!

Ice King

Huh..? [muttering] Heh?