JakeNah, BMO's covering for me.
FLFlying Lettuce Bros.
So what's the deal, Jake?
GGareth
Yeah, why'd you call us back?
Jake
I got a job for you guys. [everyone gathers to him] One last score—the big one.
GGareth
The Baker's Shard? [chuckles] Are you for real, man?
FLFlying Lettuce Bros.
Hey, that's crazy, Jake. [out of sync] We always said, "play it safe."
Can't you see, guys? He's desperate. Somebody got to him 'cause he's soft now.
Jake
What the— pshhh! Tiffany! I'm the same Jake! I just stopped stealing, mostly! Because when you get older, you're supposed to get in other stuff, like graphic design or pottery. It's called "growing up"!
GGareth
I don't wanna do poetry— I mean, pottery.
Jake
Dude! Are you guys on board or what?! You really got something better to do? Really?! I know you don't, Tiffany!
[roughly] Glom you, Jake.
FLFlying Lettuce Bros.
How are we gonna split the Baker's Shard?
Jake
We ain't keeping it. I'm passing the shard off to a mystery dude. [the FL Bros. and Gareth slowly become shocked]
Jake
The dude has my kid. [Tiffany immediately goes to a mix of surprise and empathy; he starts crying] My little Jake Jr. [coughs, clears throat]
FLFlying Lettuce Bros.
We're in.
I know that vault inside and out—every guard rotation, every camera, every hidden trap. And that safe is locked up so tight, it makes me wanna spit out my guts and cry about it. Do you even have a plan, Jake?!
Jake
I have the first part. Okay, let's freakin' do this!
[Finn and Jake stand up before a pile of ordinary, everyday objects]
Now that's a time machine.
Jake
Hey, sweetie! Sweetie, look! Your time machine's all ready!
JJJake Jr.
Aw yeah, you havin' fun, dad?
Jake
Aw, anything for my baby pup.
JJJake Jr.
OK. As long as you're having fun.
Jake
[laughing] Time machine! SHIPYOW!
[Jake presses a button, when suddenly the entire room gets covered in a red light. Finn and Jake scream while Jake Jr. is shouting in Korean and then everything suddenly stops]
CCuber
Ha-ha! There it is! You see? The birdhouse door—it's right above the peg thingy. Why didn't I think of that? [laughing] Well, I guess that's it for this week. I'll see you crimpy glimmers on the-- what? What's that? You want to finish the grayble? [the screen is seen moving up and down, implying the viewer is shaking his head in confirmation] You want to see if you can still guess the theme? [the screen is seen left and right, implying the viewer is shaking his head in negation] You just want to see how it ends. [the screen is seen moving up and down, implying the viewer is shaking his head in confirmation] Well, let's get right to it, then. Ha-ha.
[The scene cuts back to the Tree Fort, the camera reveals the bright red lights are coming from BMO, making an alarm.]
STRANGER! STRANGER! STRANGER! STRANGER! STRANGER! [he is shown pointing toward Cinnamon Bun trying to take the night-light in form of Jake. As he continues saying "STRANGER!", Cinnamon Bun puts his finger before his lips, telling BMO to hush. Jake Jr. then walks up to BMO and types "ITS OK," making BMO disarm the alarm] Excuse me.
JJJake Jr.
[puts BMO down and turns toward Cinnamon Bun] HEY! Why are you trying to steal my dad's stuff!?!
Hey, I need a night-light because I'm so scared!
JJJake Jr.
Man, you can't steal, dummy. [Cinnamon Bun starts crying] Fine! [uses her hair to get the night-light and gives it to Cinnamon Bun] Here. NOW GET LOST!
[gasps; laughing] Yes! Take that, Princess Bubblegum! [leaves the Tree Fort in a hurry; Jake Jr. closes the door]
Jake Jr., I'm sorry for messing up your time travel.
JJJake Jr.
Aw, that's OK. [pets BMO, making it smile] It was just make-believe, anyways.
O-ho-ho, was it? Then how do you explain tomorrow's newspaper?
[Jake is holding up newspaper with the headlines "Tomorrow's newspaper. JAKE JR. REAL COOL KID!"]
[meets Ann at the pharmacy] I'm Finn. [holds Jake as a police badge] This is my partner, Jake.
Jake
Hello, citizen. Had anyone in here looking to buy some mini adhesive bandages today?
AAnn
A lot of people come through my store, gentlemen. You can't seriously think I'd be able to remember any one particular customer among the countless others I see on a daily basis now, can you?
[long beat] I guess not. Fair do's. C'mon, Jake—
AAnn
Wait! Now that you mention it, there was this one guy in here earlier. Real suspicious type. Had a nosebleed. Said it was the first one he'd had in years. [Finn takes out a notepad and writes down] Used to get them all the time as a kid, he said. [Jake slaps notepad away, jumps onto Finn's hand as a notepad] Could never remember if he was supposed to pinch his nose and hold his head back, [Finn tries to put his pencil on Jake but keeps the point away from him] or pinch his nose and hold his head forward. [Finn finally pokes Jake's body] Maybe it was a case of being boxed on the nose too many times—made the blood vessels in his lower septum weak and vulnerable to hemorrhaging. Anyway, his mammy always said it was because he couldn't keep all those picky little fingers out of his dirty little nose holes. [Jake climbs on top of Finn's head, morphs into a police hat] He didn't buy it, though. He always thought it had—
Ma'am, can you give us a name?
AAnn
Mmmm... nope. No, wait—yes, I can. Pete Sassafrass.
[Finn and Jake look at each other, surprised. A transparent LSP flies across the screen from earlier saying, "Pete...sa...sass...as..."]
Did you catch which way he was going?
AAnn
Of course! He said he was catching a train at 11:27, Candy Kingdom station, Platform 5. Heh. I'm sorry, I wish I could remember more.
Man, we didn't just crack that case... [throws donuts bags to Jake as a police car] we crunched it. Crumbled it.
Jake
We are awesome at being cops. [munches donut] There's no question about that.
Ahh, call me crazy, but I was thinking... maybe we should actually become detectives, like... as a job! When we were out on the streets back there, getting those leads, busting that perp, it just felt so... I don't know... right. [Jake's head forms up underneath Finn's coffee cup]
Jake
I know, man. [eats donut] I actually totally do know exactly what you mean. [Finn takes a yellow donut out of his bag and munches it]
Ah— dude. [show Finn sitting on the street with Jake in his hands]
Jake
I told you, I have a problem. [turns back, sweating] I can't stop!
Jake
You were a little rough with the Jake suit today, bro. You mashed up my doggy bag pretty hard.
Jake
When you're in my body, it pushes out my brain, so I have no control.
Come on, bro, taking pain is easy. You just have to imagine that every bruise is a hickey from the universe. And everyone wants to get with the universe.
Jake
I bet you wouldn't be saying that nonsense if I wore you as a suit.
I bet I would be saying that nonsense.
Jake
Okay, bro, let's see how you like it. I'll bring the pain!
[Lady Rainicorn is washing dishes when she sees Finn out the window and gasps]
Hi, Lady. [walks around, kicks front door open]
[in Korean] ("Finn! Where are you going? Where is Jake?") [Jake stretches out of Finn's mouth]
Jake
I'm right here.
Oh... [T.V. walks by holding a bowl of nachos]
Jake
What's T.V. doing here? I thought all the kids found apartments.
("It's just that he won't leave the house, regardless what I say to him.") [T.V. starts typing on his computer]
Jake
Ha-ha! That's my boy. Momma's basement baby. [sighs. He makes Finn sit down on bean bag chair]
("Jake, what are you doing? Why are you in Finn's body?")
Jake
Oh, it's this bet we're doing. It's not really a bet. It's more like a showdown. I'm trying to get him to admit that it's hard when someone wears you as a suit. How do I win the bet, Lady?
TVT.V.
Hey, Dad? Why don't you try jumping in a volcano?
[distorted] Beemo? [see a distorting image of Finn and Jake]
Jake
Beemo? [BMO groans]
Jake
What did you do?
It wasn't me. I didn't do [glitching] noth— do noth— do nothing.
Come on, Beemo. We gotta get you to the hospital or whatevs.
No, no. I am fine. Really. [BMO's screen glitches out and he yells in pain. He emits smoke and stops glitching] Oh, yes... okay. Please take me to get fixed. I need— need— need— need to get new core system drivers installed. We can get them at the MO Factory in the Bad Lands, where I was born.
Yeah. I am programmed with emergency instructions to get there. Come on! There's no—no—no—no—no time to lo—lo—lo—lo—lose.
Jake! I had another dream! My body was being blasted! [inhales sharply] But this time, Ice King was blasting me with ice cubes! Ohh! It was awful! And someone else was there. He was just laughing and laughing. He was in the first dream too, but he was whispering. I couldn't make out what he was saying. [snaps finger] Oh, yeah! It was the Cosmic Owl! [Jake spits out all his tea off his mouth]
Jake
WHAT?!! You didn't tell me the Cosmic Owl was there!!
I couldn't see him last time!
Jake
Dude, that means it was a prophetic dream. You have to finish the original dream! Cosmic Owl could be whispering something wildly significant! You have to get Flame Princess and Ice King to fight again so you can see the end of the dream! Make 'em fight!! Ahh!! Do it now!!
[Finn runs frantically to the table and writes down a piece of paper]
"Dear Ice King, you smell like stink, you're unpleasant, you're not funny, you're old, blahblahblahblah, sincerely love, Flame Princess. P.S. Let us fight!!" HAHHHRR!! [writes another paper] "Dear Flame Princess, you're just the worst, your hair is bad, your feet smell like face cheeks, blahblahblah, let's meet up and fight, dummy, sincerely, Ice King." [checks both papers] Hm. Flame Princess fight Ice King.
Jake
[on the phone] Yo, man. How's it going? Terrible?
Well, yeah, mostly. But I think I learned something.
Jake
Go on.
Well, I'm thinkin' maybe age isn't just a number. Maybe older people, like, really are different. You know? Like, less fun inside.
Jake
So what you sayin' here?
I'm saying I think I really sbonked up. I gotta patch things up with Flame Princess.
Jake
Oh, dang! Didn't you hear? She's got a new boyfriend already!
Jake
Man, I'm just kiddin'. [both laugh]
Oh, yeah... [Jake chuckles]
Jake
She might, though.
[Finn and Jake find Ice King in their bathroom]
FJFinn/Jake
The Ice King?! Grrr—eugh!
Geez, you couldn't wait two seconds?
Ech... Why are you stinkin' up our house?
Didn't you get my text? It said I'm stayin' with you guys— [takes out banana phone with Gunter keychain] oh, didn't go through. Well, anyways, I knew you wouldn't mind since it's sorta your fault I'm homeless, right? [searches duffle bag]
'Cause you tricked your crazy ex into melting my Ice Kingdom?
With your lies and secrets? 'Member when that happened?
Jake
Dude, you can't stay here if you're gonna stank it up with your bad vibes, man! [Ice King sprays air freshener, Finn and Jake cough]
Yeah, I'm just crashing here while the penguins rebuild. I've given Gunter temporary reign.
[see Gunter, wearing Ice King's crown, constructing ice structures]
Flame Princess isn't crazy.
You're blind, Finn. You're blind! Wait, she isn't here, is she?
She said she wanted time to herself. [walks out]
Jake
Yeah. Breakups are tough.
Heh. Yeah, like remember how you and I were married?
[Jake begins to take a bite of his sandwich, Magic Man suddenly pops out of nowhere. He gasps]
Jake
Magic Man!
Magic Dog! I'll take some sandwich.
Jake
You stay away from my woman... eh, my sandwich!
Hmm, yeah, I could do that. Or... wait. Wait! [conjures a small portal and takes sandwich from Jake]
Jake
[gasps] Sandwiche! Mijo! Magic Man!! My sandwich!!
That's a good-looking sandwich.
Jake
What're you gonna do with it?! Something gross?! [Magic Man breathes on the sandwich]
It's got my germs, so it's mine now.
Jake
NOOOO!! Rah!! [stretches his arms at Magic Man, he casts a spell back]
Dead arms! [Jake's arms limp on the floor; he struggles]
Jake
Give it back, you animal!
Look, if you really want your sandwich, you'll have to solve my little riddle. [punches clock, moves hands] When your face shows 7:20, when green leaves turn brown, the only way forward is down. Then you'll see, the wetter, the better.
Jake
That's not even a riddle! It's wordplay, at best!
You try and come up with something on the spot! It's hard! [makes a portal and slaps Jake's face through it] Now to savor the moment.
[he crashes backwards through the wall, falling down]
It's just you and me, baby.
[running into Magic Man's time sphere, Jake imagines Mr. Cupcake flirting with a widowed Lady Rainicorn]
Jake
Hey, Mr. Cupcake, you stay away [starts slowing down] from Lady!
[offscreen] No, man! Stay sad! Make yourself sad!
Jake
Uhh... [he imagines Mr. Cupcake at his grave]
CMr. Cupcake
I-I love you, Jake. We should have hung out more.
Jake
What? Um... I love you too, Mr. Cupcake. I-I didn't want to hang because I thought Lady was into your muscles. And I thought if we'd hung out, you'd sweet-talk her and take her from me.
CMr. Cupcake
What?! I would never! I've got so much respect for you.
Jake
Dude, I have so much respect for you! I try to be like you in some aspects of my life! Look, if something were to happen to me, and I wasn't here anymore, I'd want you to take care of Lady and the kids.
CMr. Cupcake
That means so much to me. [crying, cradles his gravestone] I wish we had more time together.
Jake
[tearing up] Me... too! [sobbing hysterically, starts running closer to Magic Man]
Yeah, Jake! The wetter, the better! Keep crying!!
Jake
I'm sorry, Mr. Cupcake!!
Jake
Yo, bro, you're sleepwalking again! Wake up! [whacks Finn awake]
Jake
Yes, Finn. Again. Every time, youse is screaming about "she's got me!" and all that.
Jake
Wait, you don't remember? You just woke up, man! Recall it, baby! Come on! [Finn grunts, punches his temples] That's too much. Don't punch yourself.
[sighs] It's gone, I don't know.
Jake
Haah... [holds Finn] You're repressing the memory, dude.
Jake
You're hiding whatever she is in a mental vault.
Oh yeah, the vault. That's where the stuff I can't handle goes. Kerplunk!
Jake
Okay, so you even know you're doing it.
Jake
Listen, we gotta find out who this lady is. Gotta open the vault a little.
Jake
It's just gonna keep happening, man!
It's all right. I'm not hurting anybody.
Jake
Finn, for reals.
Jake
All right! Chill, chill! Don't sweat it, man. It's not even a thing.
Jake
Why don't you clean up the kitchen now?
Okay. I'm sorry I did that.
Jake
It's alright. It's only, like, the fifth room you've train-wrecked this month.
[taking a walk] What is the meaning of soup?
Jake
What? I don't know. What's with all the weird quest—?
What is the meaning of spoon?
Jake
Shoot, man. Are you still lady-sad about Flame Princess? Y'know, it's okay if you are.
Nah, that's all fine. I've just been feeling kinda... gray is all. Like my inside voice has been kinda quiet lately—not a lot of instructions forthcoming, you know?
Jake
Yeah, well, sounds like you're sad. Listen, Finn. Girls is like horses—when you fall down, it's important that you get right back on again, on a different horse. And there's a lot of fish in the sea, a lot of fish. A penny saved is a penny earned.
Yeah, I-I guess. Or maybe dating girls is like riding a bicycle...
Jake
Yeah, man, yeah!
Where, like, if you mess up, you can get really hurt forever or hurt someone you really care about.
Jake
Uh... well, I suppose.
[as Jake plays video game] Why do you hate cats, Jake?
Jake
Move your face, you're messing up the game! Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it. It's personal. Cats know what they did. [he then shudders and starts screaming]
Is Jake okay? [Jake whines horribly]
Jake
No!! I'm pretty dang far from okay! There's a little shard of tortilla chip caught between my teeth. [groans]
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
