Jake the Dog quotes from Adventure Time

Get big and the chip will fall out of your teeth.

Jake

Ha! You think I can stretch out of everything? You're so naive. To live life, you need problems.

[pause] That's stupid!

Jake

If you get everything you want the minute you want it, what's the point of living?

Marceline

Hey, where are my red erasers? They were in here.

Jake

Uh-oh... I thought they were candy.

Marceline

You...ate all...MY RED?!!

Jake

Oooh! I'm sorry!

Finn

Calm down, Marceline. There's gotta be some red stuff in these ruins. I'll go explore. You guys hang out here and save your energy. [walks off]

Marceline

Thanks, Finn. [Finn walks into a cave, points to Jake]

Finn

Be cool. [Jake eats his cookie, turns to Marceline]

Jake

So... how hungry are you? [Marceline hisses at him, he cowers] Aah! I'm sorry! Please don't eat my blood!

Marceline

(sighs) Jake, I don't want to hurt you, but you should know things get crazy when I'm hungry.

Jake

Like, how crazy?

Marceline

I'm gonna go into feral mode. Oh, it's not gonna be pretty. [Jake whimpers, eats his cookie] I know! Let's tie me up. That way, you won't be scared.

Jake

And that will keep you from draining my bloods?

Marceline

Not physically, no, but as a prop, I think it'll be good for both of us. You know, psychologically.

Jake

[gulps, whispers] Hurry, Finn...

Marceline

Get me a bucket of lava, Jake...

Jake

Hey, you know better than that!

Marceline

(ravenously) DO IT...!

Jake

(nervously) Don't go crazy, okay?

Marceline

I'm freaking HUNGRY!

Jake

Oh, why did you leave me alone here, dude?

Jake

Oh, my glob, oh, my glob, where are you, man? Marcy's wigging out!

Marceline

Jaa-aake...

Jake

What?

Marceline

I can smell your insides, Jake. They smell...(sniffs) ...RED!!

Jake

AHHHHHH!!

Marceline

Yeah, let me see in there!

Jake

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Marceline

OH, YEAH!

Jake

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Finn

Hey, Simon, how would you like to stay in the coolest hotel?

Jake

Lumpy Space Princess stays there! That's how cool it is!

Finn

We'll even put you up for a few weeks until your place is ready.

Ice King

Ah, but that sounds lonely. I'd just like to stay here with you guys. Having roommates is nice. Keeps me out of my head. Gunther only says "Wenk". What's up with that?

Finn

[chuckles nervously] Yeah. [Jake drags him away to the kitchen]

Jake

Finn, I'm ready to murder the Ice King.

Finn

No... uh, I have another idea.

Kee Oth!

Joshua! [Finn and Jake walk to Kee Oth saying "Kee Oth Rama Pan..."] Don't say another word, Joshua, or their throats are going to get it! If you speak the words to banish me, I'll reduce your friends to ash.

Jake

[pause] Kee Oth Rama P— [Finn covers his mouth]

Finn

Dude!!

Jake

Thought he was bluffing.

I'm not bluffing, Joshua! If you do not willingly return my stolen blood, I will destroy him and him! [Finn and Jake run towards the demon-blood sword's holder]

Finn

Ah! The sword!

Jake

Scary! [Finn takes the sword]

Finn

I just can't do it, Jake. This is Dad's sword!

Jake

You don't have any other choice! Do it!

Do it!! [Finn's eyes water; breaks the sword in half using his knee. Blood-red mist rises from the pieces]

Finn

Whoa, bro.

Finn

You got your blood. Now get outta here!

All right, I'll go. Psych! Got you now, Joshua!

Uh, hey... so, uh, I should be getting home.

Ice King

Uh, yeah, me, too. Hey, Abracadaniel, you wanna hang out at my place?

I thought your house broke.

Ice King

Psh! Ice Kingdom's been rebuilt for weeks. [they both leave; Finn is shellshocked with his broken sword in his hands]

Finn

Jake...?

Finn

Thanks for bringing us along on the trip, Peebs.

Jake

Yeah. It's unfortunate we can't enjoy some of these cool things we're passing by, but I guess we could do that the next time we're in the Desert of Wonders, whenever that is!

Bubblegum

We're on a mission to collect samples only. I want to start colonizing this area by the end of the year.

Jake

You are killing me, PB!

Bubblegum

Those goo monsters will barf their way through the hull in mere minutes. Finn, what should we do?

Finn

Uh... let's radio for help.

Bubblegum

Good idea, but looks like the radio's kaplowed.

[whirs] I can fix that radio. Mrow-row-row! Pling! [pulls out a coin] With this! It's a lucky coin! Bam! [places coin on radio] When I bust out my coin, great stuff happens, like when I was chosen to go on this mission with you guys! Hee-hee-hee-hee! [Jake grumbles uncomfortably, enlarges his head and shouts]

Jake

JAMES, THAT'S NOT HELPING!!!

Finn

Don't panic, baby.

Bubblegum

Yes. James is very resourceful. He'll work it out.

Look, Princess! I invented a coin-operated coin screwdrive-e-er!

Bubblegum

See what I mean? [gives thumbs up] Good job, James. Come on, guys. Let's take inventory of the emergency gear. [James opens radio]

Lucky coin strikes again!

Finn

[meets Jake in the back room with Bubblegum] You want to do this trust-huddle style, buddy?

Jake

Mm. [the three form a huddle]

Bubblegum

So, what's all the hubbub?

Jake

What's up with that James dude?

Finn

Yeah. Do you think James could be breaking things on purpose?

Bubblegum

No. James wouldn't do that.

Jake

Wake up! Dude's a saboteur.

Bubblegum

It's not James.

[in the huddle] What's not James? [beat] I got lonely up front. I wanted to see what y'all are up to.

Finn

Hey, that gives me an idea.

Me too! Vrrt! [laughs] Just kidding! I don't have any ideas.

Marceline

Simon!

Marceline! [she flies down to him and embrace each other]

Marceline

I thought I'd never see you again.

I can hardly believe it myself. You're all grown up.

Jake

Believe? She's like a million years old.

One million years?! How can it be?!

Marceline

He's just kidding. I'm only a thousand.

Jake

And still lookin' good!

Finn

Do you remember anything when you were the Ice King?

Nothing specific, just dream-like impressions.

Finn

Do you still have impressions from all the times you flip your bricks?

I have... bruises.

Take me back to when my ex-boyfriend Brad loved me!! [gets in time bubble]

Bubblegum

LSP.

Wha?

Bubblegum

LSP, that's not how it works. It can only rearrange your molecules into a previously logged formation, and you need these gloves.

[hushed] ..Give them to me.

Bubblegum

No.

You witch! Give them to me now!! [pounds table]

Bubblegum

No, I'm sorry, but you need to pull yourself toge— [LSP jumps on her to the floor]

You skunk! [starts ripping off PB's hair] You skunk, you skunk!! You pretty skunk!! You don't know heartache, with the whole Candy Kingdom in love with your pretty Bubblegum buns!! [Bubblegum hits LSP with her tiara, knocks into a bookshelf] Glob! [pants as peeved Bubblegum stands up with Jake watching]

Bubblegum

Hear me, Lumpy Space Princess. I will avoid declaring war on the entirety of Lumpy Space, ruled by your parents, if you apologize to me immediately! [LSP gets up]

I'm sorry-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y... [floats toward the door] I'm sorry you're so [quietly] stupid. [slams door]

Whoa!! [both laughing]

Bubblegum

Sheesh!

Peppermint Butler! Death!

Jake

What's up?

Peppermint Butler

Hey, um... those guys are doing selfies on the Lich. [pan right to see Grob Gob Glob Grod taking pictures of themselves on the Lich's shoulder] Is that safe?

[chuckles] Definitely gonna send these to Denise.

Prismo

Oh yeah, that's fine. He's harmless.

Peppermint Butler

Yeah, but why isn't he killing everyone in the room right now? Controlling our minds, making us rip each other's eyes out while we buttercup one another?

Prismo

Well, the Lich's primary function is to cause mass death. And since he can't do that while he is trapped in my Time Room, he's stuck in a standstill, like a machine without a purpose.

Peppermint Butler

[turns back] ..I'm so scared right now.

Yikes.

Jake

Aw, don't worry, he ain't gonna hurt nobody. [stretches his body over, puts his cup on the Lich's head] Ha!! You got a cup on your head! Ha ha, you dingus! [laughs, stretches back] See, he's docile as a lamb.

Peppermint Butler

Hmm... Well, okay. Then I guess I can go for a selfie too!

Jake

Yeah, man! Make your dreams come true!

Finn

Dude... I found out my human dad is still alive.

Jake

Whoa, what?

Finn

He's at someplace called the Citadel.

Jake

Waoh! Are.. are you gonna go see him?

Finn

I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe's there a good reason he didn't raise me. Like, he was probably captured by thieves and kept a slave for years.

Jake

Yeah—or maybe he was ambushed in the wild and hid you, so you wouldn't be captured too.

Finn

Yeah.. maybe it's better not to rock the boat.

Jake

But... it might also be good to find out if got any genetic wrist factors or allergies or whatever. Plus, you get to see what you look like as an old guy. Could be cool.

Finn

Heh... I guess it would be okay to meet him. Just to know what I look like.

Jake

Cool.

Jake

[walks Finn to the couch] You just went through some outrageous beeswax from losing your favorite arm and et cetera. You can't just expect to bounce right back to normal.

Finn

I can't?

Jake

Nah, man. Listen. [grabs two fake arms] All these princesses donating all these gross fake arms—they mean well, [throws both fake arms in the air] but they're throwing you off your game! You got to go at your own pace. If you listen [opens fold of skin in his forehead] deep in your melon heart... [a heart shape starts beating] That's where the real instructions are. [Finn starts thinking for a beat]

Finn

..My melon wants to punch my dad in the face and steal his arm.

Jake

[chuckles] Well, those things are bad, [grabs tote bag from table] so they can't be the real instructions, but you keep listening. Me? I'm going to go to the spaghetti store and buy a new mop head. I'll be back soon. Just remember—listen to your melon heart.

Jake

Hey, man, you're back! How do you feel?

Finn

Eh, neutral, I guess. I don't want to punch my dad anymore.

Jake

That's great, dude! You can always trust the ol' melon heart to get you through! Looks like we won't be needing this thing anymore. Wanna do the honors?

Finn

I would.

Princess Bubblegum

AAAAAH!!! MY ARM!!!

Jake

[to Shelby and his little brother Kent] You can chop up a worm and get two? I thought that was a myth.

Myth is a powerful force in my life, dude. So, the thing is, I don't know beans about being a big brother. Can you give me some tips?

Jake

Ah, it's easy. You just give him something sharp and get him to fight bad guys.

That's it?

Jake

Yeah, you might have to stretch all big if he gets in real trouble. But, yeah.

All right. Sounds good. [slithers off, Kent looks up to Jake]

Someday, you'll be Kent's food. [runs off laughing]

Finn

Man, can I tell you something? I don't even know what's going on here. I mean, like, what the heck is a deed?! How come he can buy our house when it's our house and Marceline gave it to us and we live there?! A-and now we're arrested?! This is crazy! [to a passing Banana Guard] IT'S CRAZY!! [the Banana Guard walks away]

Jake

Man, don't you know? The laws ain't made to help earthy cats like us.

Finn

They're not?

Jake

Nah, man. Listen. Here on our planet, back in the old days—back in the real old days—it was just every man for hisself, scrooblin' and scrat-scrobblin' for the good stuff, the greenest valleys, and scrat-scrobblin'. And the strongest, meanest men got the best stuff. They got the green valleys and were like, "The rest of you, y'all scrats get sand." And that's when they made the laws, you see. Once the strong guys got it how they liked it, they said, "This is fair now. This is the law." Once they were winning, they changed the rules up.

Finn

Whoa... just like Kim Kil Whan.