[in the Candy Kingdom police station, Finn and Jake are sitting on a bench, with their wrists locked in handcuffs]
FinnMan, can I tell you something? I don't even know what's going on here. I mean, like, what the heck is a deed?! How come he can buy our house when it's our house and Marceline gave it to us and we live there?! A-and now we're arrested?! This is crazy! [to a passing Banana Guard] IT'S CRAZY!! [the Banana Guard walks away]
Man, don't you know? The laws ain't made to help earthy cats like us.
Finn
They're not?
Nah, man. Listen. Here on our planet, back in the old days—back in the real old days—it was just every man for hisself, scrooblin' and scrat-scrobblin' for the good stuff, the greenest valleys, and scrat-scrobblin'. And the strongest, meanest men got the best stuff. They got the green valleys and were like, "The rest of you, y'all scrats get sand." And that's when they made the laws, you see. Once the strong guys got it how they liked it, they said, "This is fair now. This is the law." Once they were winning, they changed the rules up.
Finn
Whoa... just like Kim Kil Whan.
Well, not yet. Finn, in a second, you gotta stop yourself from waking up Jake.
Finn
Stop my who?
Shoot! Hide! [Jake camouflages behind Finn, with another Finn and Prismo coming closer]
F2Finn 2
Hey, are we gonna turn around somewhere? I feel like we're lost.
P2Prismo 2
No, I was just stalling, don't think about it. Come on, this way! [they exit, and everything's clear]
[...]
But wait, Jake — that means one of your alternate reality incarnations will sleep for eternity to keep me alive.
Okay, but Finn, I'm not sure what'll happen if you confront yourself. He might explode.
Finn
He me, or other me?
Finn
Shut it, Prismo. Heroes risk everything for their friends. Although I admit you're more Jake's friend than mine. Sometimes you can think someone is totally cool but you never become besties. Now I don't know why that happens. But regardless, let's do this! [exits]
Whoa, Finn, Hey, are you gonna wake up Jake?
F2Finn 2
Yeah. Is that gonna kill you again, though?
My past self is doing Plan B, right?
Finn
PLAN B!!
F2Finn 2
WHAT THE?! AAAAAA'AAAAAAAAHHH!!! [The other Finn explodes, transforming into a sword in the process, Finn grabs the sword]
Finn
This is me? This sword is me?
Finn
Welcome Back, Prismo.
Looks like our long-eared friend is on to something. Bunnies love to dig. He's making a supreme effort, and I think I can guess why. [the bunny digs up a carrot] That's right. A carrot, grown out here free and wild! Probably the result of a seed pooped out by a passing bird. [pan left to a rustling bush] But what's this? A mysterious rustling in the bush—could mean trouble. Mr. Bunny seems to think so. His sensitive whiskers quiver at the hint of imminent danger.
[the screen splits to show Beemo bringing Finn a bowl of popcorn. They sit on the couch and listen to Jake through the walkie-talkie]
Unfortunately for Mr. Bunny, this is what nature is all about. [a horned four-legged mammal emerges out of the bushes] It's a male deer. Not a threat to Mr. Bunny in the predatory sense, but still above him in the food chain. Mr. Bunny, wishing to avoid an encounter, hops away to safety.
[the deer then walks to the carrot and eats it]
Finn
Hey, man. You know I can hear everything you say, right?
What?! Ouhh... Garghh... No!! I had no idea!
Finn
Yeah, but you saw me leave the walkie-talkie and I left it on. You know that, right?
Finn
Need anything? A soda?
Finn
..So what's Mr. Bunny doing now?
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BUNNY!! The bunny is incidental to the brick experiment.
Finn
Oh. Sorry, man.
[grumbles] Forget about the bunny...
Finn
Sorry, man.
Finn
Look, we'll, uh... we'll leave you alone. [pushes in walkie-talkie antenna]
[Jake looks down at his walkie-talkie for a beat]
Finn? Are you still there? Finn? BMO?
You guys can chill here till morning when the demons thin out a little.
Finn
[acrobatic flips into living room] Whoo!!
Aw, Finn—oh no! Instant regret!
Finn
[jumping thru main corridor] Whoo!! My house! My house!
Instant regret! [runs to the kitchen and gasps seeing Finn swinging around the table]
Finn
Whoo!! Remember, Jermaine? We did this when we wanted to make room for dessert!
I don't care about that memory.
Finn
What? Whoa! [flown onto the wall, dropped down the floor] Dang, my back!
Come on! This ain't the treehouse, man! I got systems!
[enters with a greatsword (Buster Sword)] Hey, Jermaine, this thing is rad—WAOHH!! [slices table]
Finn
Oh no, d-don't kick us out!
Go do your Goucho Marx slapstick with them goofballs in the woods. I got a responsibility to all this booty in here. Staves, medallions, cups, goblets, dormant djinn, grimoires, hard drives — all this random valuable booty, okay?
I didn't win! When do I win?! Special Guys One and Two win every day! Crackin' jokes, readin' foodie mags in your treetown funhouse! Must be nice to be so special you can go off and find your own fancy ways! Meanwhile, I gotta stay here and watch Dad's trashy booty 'cause I never stretched into the sky and farted on the wings of a falcon, I guess!
Dude, I never farted on the wing of a falcon. Heh... [punched by Jermaine] Uhn!!
Finn
Bros!!
Think I don’t want a cushy treehouse life?! [punches Jake thoroughly] I don't even get salt!! SAAAALT!!!
[Morty Rogers begins an incantation to transfer Chips and Ice Cream in his ears to Jake under the light of a full moon]
MRMorty Rogers
By the light of the waxing moon, which was just unveiled by the parting clouds, I command these two imps that have taken possession of my ears to transfer onto the head of the being who is directly across from me and is currently eating Chips and Ice Cream!
[a moonbeam hits Chips and Ice Cream on Morty Rogers' ears; Chips and Ice Cream's ghosts fly onto Jake's head and materialize on his head]
ICIce Cream
Ice cream... [Morty Rogers's ears shrink down to normal]
MRMorty Rogers
Huh... It worked! I'm a free bear! [laughs hysterically; jumps out the window and runs off in the distance]
..Well, now I'm a guy with these things on my head. I guess I'm just gonna roll with the punches.
Finn
Uh... Don't worry, man. I'm gonna pretend they're not even there.
This is the greatest day of my liiiife!
[at swimming lockers] Look, I brought us two gold coins so we can have a locker each.
Finn
No way! [kicks Jake's locker, trapping his arm as he almost put his coin in the slot]
Finn
Sorry! I was just trying to stop you putting the coin in before I showed you my magical item.
Well, I hope it's a healing item after you just crimped my wrist with a metal door!
Finn
No, look! [shows magic token] It's a magic token that can fit in any slot. Watch.
[Finn puts magic token on locker slot, turns into a gold coin and falls into slot]
Finn
We've saved ourselves two gold coins on lockers.
Well, not really, 'cause the lockers give you the coins back, anyway.
Finn
Yeah, but this way only one of us has to carry a key.
Yeah, but if we lock my locker, then lock my key in your locker, we would only have to carry one key, but we'd still have a locker each.
Finn
Yeah, but could we just use the reward I earned for being so rave and rescuing a princess, please?
Finn
Thanks very much.
Man, are you still Gunther? 'Cause you seem like you're not.
Finn
Well, what the heck are you doing, Orgalorg?
OOrgalorg
It was just time to come out again. Glob KO'ing himself, the arrival of the Catalyst Comet, and a ship to carry me out of this planet's gravity. [projects three colored door shapes out of his eyes into a singular door shape] These are doorways the universe presented to me.
Oh, I know about open-door philosophy!
Finn
What's that? You just say yes to stuff all the time?
Finn
That seems alright.
OOrgalorg
It's all yours if you're willing to take it. Destroy worlds, [folds into himself] crush anyone blocking the door, [unfolds out] feel their bones crumple and their goo spill out.
Finn
I don't like that at all.
OOrgalorg
You can't stop me, I'm Orgalorg.
Finn
I'm pretty sure I can take you, bro.
OOrgalorg
Not after I absorb the power and knowledge of that comet.
Finn
Absorb a triple salchow to your kneecaps!
PCPurple Comet
"Finn... do you remember?" [Finn groans and his "vault" in his head starts to open]
Finn
Yeah... I-I think so. A long time ago, I was you, sort of... and I crashed on Earth, and became a butterfly or some biz. And I guess it was just some random absurd thing—just a joke I've been playing out for centuries.
PCPurple Comet
"Who's creating the joke? Are you? And if so, then are you my creator?"
Finn
Uh, maybe? I dunno... Probably not.
PCPurple Comet
"Probably not, but who knows? I've been around forever and experienced so much impossible junk. I've embodied all that is good and evil. And now we're here. It's unprecedented. And I give you a choice. Come with me to the end and the beginning, [bell ringing is heard] or struggle here a while like a beautiful autumn leaf."
Finn
What's that bell sound? [a visible color spectrum seams on his head]
PCPurple Comet
"This is your crisis — as you stand on the edge of freedom from... love, hate, friendship, isolation, jealousy, secrets, violence, video games, ice cream waffles, sadness, madness, power, honor, loyalty, saucy, mothers, fathers, scoundrels."
Finn
How long are you gonna list stuff?
PCPurple Comet
"It's a long list."
Finn
You're telling to abandon all this stuff, but you're not really making it sound bad.
PCPurple Comet
"It's not bad. I'm just giving you the choice of a new mode of existence."
Finn
[beat] I feel like I put a lot of work into this meat reality. I like to see it through.
PCPurple Comet
"Fair enough."
MMartin
Hey! How about I get a new mode? [Finn's visible spectrum fades out]
Finn
Are you seriously trying to bail out again?!
MMartin
What? This deal sounds pretty good!
Finn
[sighs] Dad...
MMartin
Uh-oh... I know that look.
Finn
When you fled the scene like a ding-dong ditcher in the night...
MMartin
Listen, Finn — no answer I give you will be satisfying. Besides, it was like... 40 years ago.
Finn
I'm 16!
MMartin
I don't have a star to revolve around and track time.
Finn
But why do you always run from everything?!
MMartin
You burn enough bridges, the only direction to move is forward.
Finn
[beat] Hm. Well, there ain't no changing you, I guess.
MMartin
Well, I'm glad we finally understand each other. Start the engine, comet boy!
PCPurple Comet
"Prepare to discorporate." [both Martin and the comet dissipate]
Finn
Bye, Dad. [beat] ..Should've asked for a lift home.
You two now comprise the royal guard of the one true princess of Ooo. [winks] That's me! As such, you may no longer own property or operate children, and must render all treasure and wives under your sworn princess within a hangman's fortnight.
Pfft! Joke's on you, man! We spent all our treasure the other day! Plus, we don't even have any wives.
Finn
Wait, what? What about Lady?
Finn
Wait, but... [thinks for a beat]
Finn
Oh, yeah!
We the inhabitants of Ooo owe you heroes our very lives. As the once powerful and dignified Princess Bubblegum sulked off into exile, it fell upon you two to save us from the impending comet of doom and/or from the hideous Orgalorg, who aimed to eat the powerful comet and grow invincible! And for that, we are eternally grateful.
But now your bravery is essential to a new heroic task. [beat] Can you guess what it is?
Finn
Uhh...
Finn
Umm... Fight a— fight a dragon?
If the King of Ooo tries to come here again, you have my secret permission to stop him. No holds barred, Moosewood Stadium freestyle. So what're you two up to now?
Ehh, guardin' stuff, I guess.
Finn
Um... Hey, Bonnie? You always act like a loner, right? But next year your brother, you're the light of the party. Sorry, the light of the party.
I mean, yeah! One of the first things I did after making sure Neddy was safe was to start making the Candy People. I was formed in the mother-gum. My mind and my gum were in touch with dozens of others, like a crowded womb. I guess I missed that.
But Neddy's from the same place you're from, and he's a wet hotdog around everyone!
People get built different. We don't need to figure it out, we just need to respect it. Maybe he likes his company more than I like mine.
Finn
Well... do you miss the Candy People?
FFootball (BMO)
Hello. My name is Football.
Very nice to meet you, Football.
Finn
How'd you get the name Football, Football?
FFootball
BMO gave it to me.
Is Beemo your little your little papa?
[Football starts laughing and hops her right leg to the side. Finn scratches his head]
Finn
Uhh... so... where do you live, Football?
Oh, yeah? What's it like there?
FFootball
Cold. Empty. It's... lonely.
You done it this time, Marceline! You sucked the life out of defenseless animals!
You think I'm buyin' that, Boom Boom Mountain?!
You want proof? Look! [punches the ceiling, debris falls on his head] Ouch! Proof how often I'm gonna go if you don't confess!
Finn
Yo, chill, Jake!
[scales down] I'm wailing out!! [Finn sits on Jake]
Finn
Listen, Marcy, I can barely control this guy. And the villagers are getting crazy! They want to run you over with a wagon, and I'm offering you a way out. [Peppermint Butler walks in]
Hey, dalewaids, I just swept the place.
Finn, be real for a second.
Finn
Alright.
Look into my eyes, man! I didn't do it!
[Finn stares in her deep solemn eyes. He grows suspicious as she starts twitching]
Finn
To be honest, it looks like you're not sure if you did it.
Okay, I'm not sure! Something... weird happened last night. I had a weird dream about stuff.
Dream stuff always means somethin'!
Finn
We'll figure this out, Marcy, together. We promise.
That's cool, you guys, but clean this mess also, you bums.
Finn
You did a tremendous job guarding the cabin, Jake. But it looks like you need to be relieved.
Yeah, I need relief. PB still working on new vampire-busting gear?
Finn
Yeah, but she's almost done. No sign of Marceline, though. I think she ditched us to fight the vampires by herself—solo-style. We'll go look for her after PB's device is up and running. So, how did you pass the time?
Patted my laps and made some rhymes. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop... [walks into cabin, Finn sees something]
Finn
Is that PB's outside clock? [sees grandfather clock punctured with holes] Looks like it's been staked. What did you do?
[turns around, groans] I heard a loud snap, and my vampire-hunting reflexes kicked in!
Finn
Dude, that was her Uncle Gumbald's outside clock.
[squeaks] She doesn't have to know I broke the clock. Let's blame it on the vampires! [stretches his arms] Or we can hide it! Whoop! [pushes clock into the forest] Problem solved?! Yeah?! [Finn hi-fives] Whoop! [runs into cabin; Finn pauses for a beat]
Finn
Aahh!! What was that?! Vampiyah!! [continues throwing his stakes screaming. Pan up to see Ice King sitting on a high branch]
Snap, snap, snapping branches for fun.
Marceline, listen to me. You will never defeat the Vampire King. You can't even defeat me in your current state. [Marceline sits down in Jake-House]
All right, what do you want?
The truth is, I hate the King as much as you do. He's a total dink. I came looking for you because I want to team up. Then you started tempting me with boy blood [LSP flirts at him saying "Hey!"] and hurling spiky purple gobs at me. Here's the dope. You need me. [Marceline moves LSP back]
Yeah, okay, girl, you got this.
I don't know how it finally happened, but... he must have let you beat him.
[cut to Vampire King biting Marceline's neck while being staked]
[beat, facepalms] Ugh!! All right. Say we do work together, you need to give up drinking blood. [turns invisible]
I'm a vampire! Drinking blood is kind of the main thing.
And you can drink red just as easy. [he grunts] No hurting poor, scared blood-filled animals.
[beat] Well, then I suppose I have no choice. I'm just going to waste you [grabs Marceline by the neck] and eat that kid because that's what an old-school vampire does! [behind the rustling bush comes out a crying Crunchy]
CCrunchy
I don't wanna play anymore! [bumps Hierophant into Jake-House]
[gasps] No! I-I wasn't invited! [disintegrates] NOOOOO...!!
[Marceline flies over and sucks his essence; she absorbs the laughing soul inside of her. Finn observes his skull and bones]
Finn
Geez. What happened?
Dude was too old-fashioned for his own good. He just couldn't get with the times.
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
