Kenneth Parcell quotes from 30 Rock

Kenneth

Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

Jack

That's Republican. We count those.

Liz

WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?!?!

Tracy

Lutz made us do it.

No, it was Frank.

Kenneth

THAT'S IT! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon. Because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Tracy

Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth!

Liz

I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!

Kenneth

[Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!

Jack

I know, Kenneth. It's okay.

Kenneth

I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?

Jack

You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Kenneth

I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.

Jack

Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?

Kenneth

Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!

Jack

If you don't include Confederate money?

Kenneth

Four thousand dollars!

Kenneth

Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.

Liz

I sure am.

Kenneth

And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.

Liz

That's his opinion.

Kenneth

Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?

Jenna

Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.

Tracy

We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.

Jenna

But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.

Tracy

So... go do that.

Kenneth

Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.

Jenna

I don't understand.

Kenneth

Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...

Tracy

My what?!

Kenneth

...and go downstairs to the basement...

Tracy

No!

Kenneth

...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...

Tracy

With what? My arms?

Kenneth

...make sure to take your IDs with you.

Tracy

That'll be the worst part!

Tracy

Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween, or Princeton Parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin...

Kenneth

It's Halloween, sir.

Tracy

Proud it is.

Jack

What have children ever done for us?

Kenneth

Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

Kenneth

Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.

Liz Lemon

Why is everyone codenamed Badger?

Kenneth

I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.

Liz Lemon

No, I said I didn't care.

Kenneth

A Mr. Brett 'Fav-ray' stopped by and, uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog.

Jenna

Finally.

Kenneth

Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.

Jenna

So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?

Kenneth

Also, your pharmacy called, and apparently you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.

Jenna

Ugh, thanks, Obamacare!

Kenneth

The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing.

Tracy

Clear.

Kenneth

Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break.

Tracy

I'll need a whale saddle.

Kenneth

And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie.

Tracy

Kate Capshaw's husband?!

Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear!

Liz

The hell?!

You're not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day.

Liz

So what? Leap Day is not a thing.

Kenneth

[singing] Leap Day William, Leap Day William, bursting from the sea; will he bring his bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me?

Liz

What the crap is going on in here?

Kenneth

Why, Leap Day William is visiting!

Liz

Leap Day William?

Kenneth

Miss Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every four years to trade children's tears for candy.

Liz

What? No. But White Haven was founded by the Amish, and we really only celebrated their holidays.

Jack

You really are an extraordinary young man Kenneth. No matter what happens you always keep your chin up.

Kenneth

Medically it's a neck ridge.

Jack

You stay positive, you always believe that everything is going to work out! How do you do it?

Kenneth

Well, I'll tell you my secret, sir! [He leans in] I lie to myself. Every morning when I wake up, I say, "everything's going to be okay" but I'm lying! [Jack tries to stand, but Kenneth holds him in place] And I don't know how much longer I can do it. [he emits a pained squeal] Have a swell night, sir!