You Can't Do That on Television Season 5 quotes

"The Love Boat Goes On A Cruise Missile Cruise" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present the following bomb.

Alasdair, are you watching another one of those violent war movies again?

But, mom, I--

How many times have I told you I do not want to see violence on television? (She slaps him.) Besides, (slap) there's too much (slap) violence (slap) on television! (slap)

I know, mom, you're being violent...

..and we're on television!

Oh. Hello.

You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.

Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?

Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wizard" will not be seen at this time in order that we can try the following in experimental scientific television.

I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

What was that?

The producer. They just told him.

I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

That half.

Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?

No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.

Yeah, but you're not Jewish.

I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.

Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!

Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!

YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]

Marjorie, I thought you said that your parents were getting a separation.

They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

Marjorie dear, I'm afraid your little friend is going to have to go home now.

Aw Mom, she just got here!

Marjorie dear, you know the rules - no company after eight o'clock.

All right. Dad?

Yeah? What is it, Marjorie?

Can we come over to play?

Why sure, kid! You know what I always say, my house is your house.

Bye Mom!

Bye dear.

Dad, this is my friend Lisa.

Marjorie, I can't see the TV.

Oh yeah, I know that. Mom got custody.

[holding up his beer can] But I got custody of the fridge. Heh heh.

(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Oh Barth... you didn't!

What are you talking about?

You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

"The Partridge Family Gets Shot" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present the following family feud.

You know, Jeff, you really shouldn't let Ross bully you so much.

Yeah, but I have to respect him. You know what they say, blood is thicker than water.

You-- (She gets hit with water) Wait a second! Wait a second, that is not fair! He said "water", not me! (She gets hit with water again)

Christine, I know it seems unfair, but if get this kid wet, his mother will kill me.

Will she? (She tries to flick some of the water on Jeff)

Hey, Christine?

Yeah?

We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted bottom of her class.

Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been smart in school.

Oh, no, no, no. They weren't judging grades, they were judging body shape.

Oh, like "bottom of the class"!

I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You were voted most likely to exceed.

"Exceed"? Lisa, the word is "succeed".

No. Exceed 200 pounds.

Well, how come you never make any fun about Lisa's weight?

Well, you see, Alasdair, Lisa and I have this deal.

Yeah?

Yeah. If I don't make any jokes about her weight, she won't sit on me.

Hey, Adam?

Yes, Christine?

Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Are you finished?!!

Hey, Lisa?

What?!

Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

...Yeah, I know.

You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

LISA!!!

Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

"The A-Team Makes One Cup Of Coffee Last 5 Hours" will not be seen at this time so that we may bring this program for people with time on their hands and nothing better to do.

[introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!

CUT IT OFF!

[walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!

Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?

[laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.