Will Truman quotes from Will & Grace

Jack

So I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.

Will

Forward?

Will

What are you talking about? You're not a performer.

Jack

I am now. Me, a piano and a spotlight. I'm calling it "Just Jack." Here's my flyer. "Just Jack." One night only. "Just Jack."

Will

Why one night? Oh, it's open mic night.

Jack

Bring Grace...or a date. Ha ha, I'm just kidding.

Will

[reads flyer] "A roller-coaster ride of emotions." Who said that?

Jack

A critic...OK, my shrink.

Will

sherif , after closer examination, I believe I have identified the lifeform as ... gaylien.

Grace

We come in peace. Please do not rearrange our furniture.

Will

First of all they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.

Jack

No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.

Will

On what? The Delusional Channel?

Jack

I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.

Will

Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.

Jack

Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?

Will

Smelly.

Grace

Hairy.

Jack

Thank you, friends.

Karen

Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.

Grace

You know what the funny part is? [laughs] There is no funny part! My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even... funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...

Will

Grace...

Grace

I haven't had sex in five months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing... bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." [sobs.]

Grace

You know what the funny part is? [laughs] There is no funny part! My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even...funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...

Will

Grace...

Grace

I haven't had sex in 5 months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer Love Michelle Sarah Felicity looking thing...bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." [sobs]

Will

Gracie, don't do it if it's making you feel this way. It's not worth it.

Grace

Do I look like a "ma'am"?!

I'm sorry, Miss Adler. I had no idea.

Grace

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Hutt. I'm sorry you had to see me this way.

Look, it's not much, but perhaps I could lower the price a bit more. Think about it, OK? [leaves]

Grace

[abruptly stops crying] Now look at me and tell me and I'm not a good businesswoman.

Grace

I thought I would cook Shepherd's Pie.

Will

Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in Shepherd's Pie?

Grace

Um... shepherds? Sheep? Pie?

Grace

Jada Pinkett.

Will

Mmm.

Grace

Hate her.

Will

Wow, that's kinda harsh. I mean, she's not very...

Grace

Will, you know the rules. Love or hate. No gray area, just like life.

Will

Hate her.

Grace

Good boy.

Jack

I don't like Grace.

Will

What are you talking about? You like Grace!

Jack

I'm sort of not into her right now.

Will

"Sort of not into her"? She's a person, not tandoori chicken.

Will

Peace, oneness. Ohmmmmmmm!

Grace

Thank you. Ohmmmmmmm!

Will

Let's go hommmmmme.

Grace

Why hommmmmmme?

Will

There's a rock in my bummmmmmm!

Grace

At least it's not your thummmmmmb!

Will

Now it's going nummmmmmmb!

Jack

Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3P0.

Will

Jack, C-3P0 is not gay. He's British.

Grace

Call your brother. You know, Michael Corleone forgave Fredo.

Will

That was right before Michael had him taken out to the lake and shot.

Grace

Yeah...but the important part was that he forgave him.

Will

No, I'm pretty sure that, to Fredo, the important part was when he got shot.

Grace

You know what my aunt Pescha would say if she were in this room right now?

Will

"Why the hell did my parents name me 'Pescha'?"

Grace

Will, I know this is a little weird, but...

Will

No, Grace, this isn't weird. Gay Republicans are weird. This is sick!