Karen Walker quotes from Will & Grace

Will

Hide the crucifixes. Beelzebooze is here.

Karen

Ha ha. Oh, honey. I got a fake laugh with your name all over it.

Jack

Do I smell plastic burning?

Karen

That was Candy Pruitt. That girl does love her plastic surgery. She's been to Mexico so many times for procedures, I swear if you whacked her over the head with a stick prizes would fall out.

[singing] Enough is enough, is enough, is enough, is enough, is enough...

Karen

THAT'S ENOUGH!

Will

Let me try to explain this in terms you'll understand. I'm tequila. [Will picks up small bottles on Karen's desk.]

Karen

Oh, I'm liking this story better already!

Will

These are my friends: gin, vodka, and scotch. [Scottish accent] Hello, Karen!

Karen

Hiya, kids.

Will

Now. You got an emergency. You want a Bloody Mary. You've poured yourself a thimble of tomato juice. Who you gonna call? Me? Tequila?

Karen

What is this crazy talk? I want my vodka!

Will

Exactly. So from now on, you only call tequila when you have a legal problem.

Karen

Okay, I get it now. You're comin' in loud and queer!

Name, please?

Karen

Karen Walker. I'm Stanley Walker's wife.

Excuse me?

Karen

[shouts] I'm his bitch! Okay? Is that what you want to hear? I'm Stanley Walker's bitch! And I'm his one and only, just in case you pervs get any ideas during those lonely nights at lockdown--

Ma'am, I just couldn't hear what you said.

Karen

Oh, I'm Karen Walker. Oh my God, I have that same gun!

Grace

Karen... I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.

Karen

Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad. Try me!

Grace

Okay. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?

Karen

No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!

Grace

I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.

Karen

Oh, relax, honey. I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, okay?

Karen

Listen, there is nothing wrong with listening to Nathan and Grace have sex. It's a victim-less crime. Like tax evasion or public indecency.

Jack

Yah, or like when a bartender doesn't notice his tip, you can slide it in front of you and leave it as your own.

Karen

Oh great example honey! You are so quick! Like lightning.

Will

That's a terrible example.

Karen

Ohh, I think somebody just mad because somebody didn't think of it first.

Karen

Oh, before I forget, I just wanted to give you a little extra sparkle. I had to Heimlich it out of Rosario's stomach right before I came over here.

Grace

Oh my God. I'm speechless. I don't know what to say, I'd say something if I weren't so speechless, but I'm speechless so I don't know what to say.

Karen

Oh zip it, it's a loan. Now listen to me. You got 250 on each ear, 500 G's on the wrist, and a cold 7 on the chest. It would take you, your mom and your grandma an entire lifetime of turning tricks at the plaza to get even 1/2 way there. Lose even one and you're dead.

Karen

Finally, you're here!

Rosario

You know, if you're gonna leave me in the limo for five hours, the least you could do is crack a window.

Karen

What, and let you start yapping out at all the other maids so that they can come over and jump on the car? I don't think so.

Rosario

You better watch it, lady, because the next time you take a bath it'll be rub-a-dub-dub, I drop the blender in the tub.

Will

I'm hungry.

Grace

I'm thirsty.

Karen

I could hump a tree.

Grace

Did you mean what you said? Are you thinking of having sex with someone else?

Karen

Stop fishing, you big lez! It's not going to be with you!

Grace

Aw shucks, and I made myself all purdy.

Jack

Lamar is...well, he's like me, Kare.

Karen

Not allowed to step within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?

Karen

Knock-knock. Anybody homo?

Jack

I am, I am!

Karen

My mother is a con artist, okay? I send her a check once a month to keep her out of my hair. Yeah, my entire childhood was spent traveling with her from town to town, running scams on people. Never settling down. Just when I'd make a friend, have 'em over for milk and cookies... Bam! It was time to move on.

Jack

Karen, that's shocking. You drank milk?

Karen

The last town we lived in, I fell in love with a boy. Heh. He had long blond hair, delicate features, soft skin... At least, I think it was a boy. Well, anyway, I was in love. And he or she loved me. Until my mom scammed her, too. Then he left me. That was when I left home and never looked back.

Jack

Karen, this isn't something you can run away from. It's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

Karen

I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and... Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out. [cries.]

Jack

Karen, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of Speed!

Karen

Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus? Wh-- ?