Karen Walker quotes from Will & Grace

And i certainly wouldn't have broken up you and what's his name. I mean she was nice!

Karen

Yeah, she was -- I miss him!

Karen

Hi, what's going on? What's happening? What's the emergency?

Grace

I think I'm in trouble.

Karen

Well, you came to the right place. Here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna change your name, get you a new face and ship you out of the country. Here's your passport.

Grace

[reading passport] "Rosario Salazar." This is your maid's.

Karen

She don't need it. She ain't going anywhere.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up a card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

I can't remember.

Karen

Ta-da!

Jack

That is so freaky, Karen. How did you do that?

Karen

Oh, sorry, honey. A magician, like a prostitute, never reveals her tricks.

Jack

You don't get to have ideas. This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."

Karen

Oh! Old? Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago. Besides, I was just trying to help.

Jack

You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant... and let's not forget where that word comes from -- Latin, meaning "ass of an ant." So keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it? [ leaves the room]

Karen

I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

Grace

Please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet.

Karen

Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast. You gotta give the liver a little time to digest!

Grace

What's up with the wine?

Will

Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me. It's actually a wonderful story. She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion, but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion." [pause] I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.

Karen

You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.

Will

You know, we should do this. We should save that wine for a special occasion. You know, something where-- where the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of. You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to... Ah, screw it, open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.

Grace

One step ahead of you. I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.

Karen

Wow. So you and Will are having a baby.

Grace

Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like, "he's gay," and, "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed", you should know that we are very serious about this.

Karen

Well, of course you are. [chuckling] "Breast feed." I'm funny.

[offers his hand] Lionel Banks. Lionel like the train, Banks like money. And you are?

Karen

Anastasia Beaverhausen. Anastasia like Russian royalty, Beaverhausen like...where the beaver live.

Miss Beaverhausen, I came as soon as you called.

Karen

Well, that's really none of my business, but thank you for sharing.

Grace

I've got to tell Will the truth. The whole truth.

Karen

Well, maybe it's for the best. Then you and I can move on with our lives, out in the open, to love freely.

Grace

Karen, we're not a couple.

Karen

[smiles knowingly] Aren't we?

Grace

[pause] No.

Karen

Well, all I know is that when I woke up this morning, there was red hair on my pillow and lesbian porn in the VCR.

Will

Leo, great. And Grace, best of luck.

Grace

Best of luck? Well thanks for coming to my Bat Mitzvah, Uncle Hochum! Have a safe drive back to Syosset!

Karen

I don't know what half those words meant.

Karen

Jackie, look at all this food. We are so blessed.

Jack

I know. There are poor people who dream their whole lives of a meal like this.

Karen

Oh, I know what we should do! Let's take a picture of ourselves eating it and send it to them!

Jack

Wow, Karen, you are like a female Jesus!

Karen

Hey, what the hell did you two Mork and Mindy-lookin' sons of bitches do to my cousin Barry? You were supposed to help him be gay, but you didn't finish. Now the poor kid's so confused that he's sitting around on the couch watching football in a Spandex onesie!

Will

We just got started. This is a guy who, 24 hours ago, thought that Batman and Robin just fought crime together!

Jack

Kare, throughout all my struggles, you've constantly been partially there for me. Is there anything I can pretend to do for you now?

Karen

Now that you mention it, there is. There's one more box of my personal effects left at the manse. It's mostly personal stuff: photos, birthday cards, the receipt I got from Rosario's parents when they sold her to me. Could you...?

Jack

What are you saying? Would I like to spend a few unsupervised hours rummaging through your closet? Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?

Grace

Karen, are you all right? You haven't touched your muffin.

Karen

Honey, please, since Stan left I've done nothing but touch my muffin!