Carmen quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Okay, for our next clue then, Jessica, you may find this one particularly well. We have our next clue coming in from a person who taught M.C. Hammer everything he knows. Take it away, Nana Rap!

(laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!

Robo, those ACME agents have found you. Head for an Asian country that was part of French Indochina.

Please specify. This description fits more than one nation.

Very good, Solderhead. Just testing your memory banks. Go to the city of Vientiane. You'll get there in time for Bun Bang Fai. That's the rocket festival.

Destination acknowledged, but what is the purpose of this festival?

It's a wild celebration to kick off the rainy season, so don't forget your rust proofing. Now, get going.

Chief

Ah. Coins and fountains. You know, that reminds me of a story. Once, there was a little girl whose only wish was to grow up and be a law enforcement official. Now, if she wasn't reading detective books, she was watching detective movies. One day, the girl came across a fountain near City Hall. She closed her eyes, she took out a shiny quarter from her pocket, and she made her wish, and tossed the coin high into the air! Missed the water completely. (audience laughs) Today, she's a carpenter somewhere in Florida. Alright, gumshoes. Robocrook and the Radioscope are in Rome, Italy. Go after 'em!

Robo, those ACME agents are on to you. Head for a large industrial center in Europe.

An industrial center? Thank you, Carmen. Perhaps I can make friends with the machinery.

No social calls, Solderhead. Just hide out. It's a river valley north of Cologne.

Location acknowledged. Permission requested to seek a humanoid chess partner.

You can try, but a traditional hobby there is pigeon racing. Thousands of people do it. There's even a special pigeon hospital in the city of Essen. Now, get moving.

Gumshoes, look, I know we're still hot on the trail of Robocrook and the computer. The thing is, though--

Hot on the trail?! That's poppycock!

It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Be back in a minute. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey, Ms. P.

You wouldn't know a hot trail if it jumped up and burned you! Robocrook's in the republic of Azerbaijan. Such a famous resort city on the Caspian Sea. It's the birthplace of Kasparov, the world chess champion. Oh, I do love gettys endgame. (laughs) Now, go round Robo! (shuts her window)

Okay. Okay. Huh. Gee, I always thought it was me she loved.

Those Gumshoes are on to you. Take the Forbidden City to Basse Terre. That's a city in the French West Indies.

Well, gee, Carmen, we're not sure just where that is.

It's on twin islands with one name.

Just like us. Cool.

You'll love it, guys. There're lots of resorts, and they even got a Mardi Gras festival.

We're gonna party, party, party!

Just lay low or you'll get busted, busted, busted.

Please be quiet.

It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Come on. Let's find out. Sorry, Mrs. P.!

I'm baking a souffle. I need absolute quiet, or it will fall. Look for those nasty boys on the hills above the shores of the Ohio river. You'll find the Bengals at Riverfront Stadium. Now, I must get back to my souffle. Shh. (shuts her window)

Thanks a lot, Mrs. P.

(as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?

Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?

Thank you.

You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.

Careful. Don't catch colds.

Need a towel?

Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.

All right. Thank you, anyway.

Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Greg?

Yes? Yes, Chief?

Chief

In my office pronto.

Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?

Chief

(in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!

But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...

Chief

Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaks) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...

Chief

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, but I didn't--

Chief

Stop!

Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!

Huh? All right.

Chief

Greg.

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

Greg, isn't that bribery?

Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.

Chief

Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?

(walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?

YEAH!

Rockapella, are you?

Audience, are you behind me?!

YEAH!!!

Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!

(says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!

You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.

Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!

Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.

Next time, I take a plane!

Zip that incessant chatter down there!

Oh, goody. It's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (laughs as he enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)

I'm sick to death of your tiresome meanderings. Grunge has taken the speedway to the Amalfi Drive. A beautiful and treacherous mountain road. He's headed for a city near there. It's just west of Pompeii. The ancient Roman town that was destroyed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. Now, go find him, and leave me in peace! (she shuts her window)

(waves goodbye) Thank you. Gosh, she's so sweet, isn't she?

Grunger, they're on to you, but I've got a surprise. Take the speedway to some islands where there aren't any roads.

No roads, Carmen? (coughs) Don't the people there drive?

That's my surprise, fumeface. They're uninhabited. So, there's no one you can offend.

No people, Carmen? Where on earth--

I was just getting to that. These British islands are in the South Atlantic at the east end of the Scotia Sea. Just think, piston breath. You'll have that speedway to yourself.

Chief, you there? Chief? The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just sit and wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) Oh, this is nice, huh? This is what it feels like. I like this. Hey! (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo! I like this. (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg. Greg. You're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one that I can count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Lemme show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) The earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out. (audience doubles over in laughter) (the Chief walks in) That's the universe. Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, what're you doing? GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. And I will give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one that does.

Chief, look, uh, I knew you realize I wasn't makin' fun of you; it was more like a tribute, sorta.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Carmen, I think they're on to me! Send me someplace really fabulous!

Sorry, glamour-puss. Take the reef to a beach town in New Jersey.

(gasps) Ah, the one with the casinos!

No, it has no casinos. But it has a famous boardwalk and an old bar called The Stone Pony, where Bruce Springsteen's Band started out.

Carmen, I want glamor! Not an old bar!

Tough, toots. Have some cotton candy for me.

I'm not exactly sure where Double Trouble took the Triangle.

Now you've done it!

That's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (he looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window)

You've really done it this time. You've ruined all the maps! While you're down there being indecisive, a vital spot in New York has vanished into the Triangle! It's the spot mapmakers use to measure road miles from New York City. And now, it's just a big hole! Traffic's a nightmare on Broadway! Now, get out there and do something! (she frantically closes her window)

Jonathan Swift was a writer born in Ireland. His story about a gentle giant in the land of Lilliput has become a classic. In the story-- (Frank rings in) Frank.

The Jolly Green Giant?

I'm sorry. That's not the answer we're looking for. In the story, Jack and the Beanstalk-- Is the story Jack and the Beanstalk, Ghostbusters, or Gulliver's Travels? (Judd rings in) Judd.

Ellivle's-- Gulliver-- Gulliver's Travels.

I think we can accept that. Gulliver's Travels. Yeah. I know exactly what you're goin' through there, pal.

Those ACME agents are closing in fast. Hop into the triangle and disappear.

Geez, Carmen, we could make ACME disappear.

A lovely thought, boys, but I've got another idea. Go to an Italian city and stash the triangle in St. Mark's Square. You will have arrived just in time for the Biennale.

The Bie-what, Carmen?

The Biennale. It's a world-famous art show that happens every 2 years. Simply everyone will be there, boys. Don't miss it.

Geez, Carmen, we love those artist types; we're on our way!

(singing) Spooky Triangle!

Nice Job, You got Double Trouble. There's one more thing you gotta do now, and that's put 'em in jail. Pull this train-- cha-- trains...

This chain and do it! (Rockapella does Double Trouble's in jail tune) We normally have a train here that you pull, but we had a chain here today.

Hey, Chief! Chief! The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just have to wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) This is nice. I like this. This is pretty. (examines some of her things) Cool. Look at all this stuff she has. (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo-whoo-whoo! (laughs) (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg, you're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one I could count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Let me show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) Earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out! (displays a fourth blank image) Carmen may be prowling around Pluto or hiding on Uranus. Search 'em both. Well, gumshoes, that's the universe. (the Chief walks in) Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, you're not listening to me. GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

Wha-- You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. I'll give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one who gets her. (applause)

Chief, listen. Uh, I hope you don't think that I was makin' fun of you because actually it was more of a tribute.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Chief

I don't sound like that.

Grunge, you'd better hide that oil where ACME can't find you. Head for the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula. It'll cost you a few Rials to stay in a hotel. You'll love the place. Water's an extremely short supply.

Great. No danger of a bath.

But you'll have to wear a shirt.

Why?

It's an Islamic country, Grunge. They find uncovered arms offensive.

Gee, Carmen, I like to think that my arms are offensive anywhere.

Why me?

Chief

Here's the lowdown on Eartha Brute. When she's not pumping iron, she's pounding heads. Your mission, Gumshoes: Loosen Eartha's grip on the monument, return it to its rightful place, and then, capture Carmen Sandiego! Greg!

This thing's getting awful heavy.

Quit your belly-aching. ACME's closing in on you. Take the monument to Monument Valley, and hide it behind a butte.

But--

Not but. Butte. It's a giant rock formation. You'll find it in a southwestern state near the Four Corners.

But--

Butte! Butte, you Brute!

Quit your yakking and find that obelisk!

Oh, man. This is my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey. Hey, what's an obelisk?

You ninny! The Washington Monument is an obelisk. A stone monolith that tapers to a pyramid at the top. Eartha's in a country where the earliest known obelisks were erected at Abu Qir. Now, catch her and keep your nasty voices quiet! (shuts her window)

Thank you, love of my life. (blows kisses)

Oh, hold on a second. I-- Well-- You wanna get it?

Yes.

Okay, go ahead. (Russell pulls out the phone) Yeah, just pull it out, there. All right.

Hello? (Eartha tells Russell to go to Asia)

Carmen, those ACME agents have found me again.

No wonder, Grunge. You smell like yesterday's garbage. Now, go to the most remote capital in Europe. It's in a valley surrounded by Pyrenees mountains.

Gee, Carmen, you're always sendin' me to remote places. (coughs) How will I get there?

A henchman who speaks Catalan will take you. Just look for a guy in a gas mask.

A gas mask? Carmen, is the place polluted?

No, your breath is polluted. Now, get moving!

Our next clue is coming to us from ACME Make-Believe-Net. Watch.

Well, Top Grunge went to Lancaster County. It's known for its large Amish and Mennonite population. Those are religious groups that believe in livin' a very simple life. Like me. They don't drive cars or use electricity. Top Grunge caused quite a commotion when he roared up from Harrisburg, and he was a big problem around the Shoofly Pie.

Meow meow meow meow?

Oh, Henrietta, please don't give it away. Wish you well.

Meow meow.

Thanks a lot, neighbors.

There's a salmon ladder... Oh, yeah...

Maybe at the Ashland Shakespeare Festival

Bad girl!

Bad girl!

Bad girl!

Oh, Patty's one bad girl.

P-P-Patty!

Ooh-be-do. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

The Warrant!

Oh, yeah.

Rockapella, everybody! Let's hear it! Come on!

Patty, those ACME agents have found you. Head for Hobart. It's the second oldest European settlement in Australia.

Gee, Carmen, isn't that where they sent British convicts?

(laughs) Only the worst ones, Patty, but that was long ago. Now, it's the capital of one of Australia's best nature regions.

A nature region, huh? Sounds like a good place to hide the stone.

Of course it is, Patty. That's why I do the thinking. Go to Freycinet National Park. A henchman will be there to guide you.

Carmen, I'm on my way!

Now, guys, it's time for us to turn to the Paula Abdul of the geriatrics set. Please welcome Nana Rap!

(laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)

Let's hear it! Nana Rap! Come on!

Go south of Israel along the Red Sea. I want you to head for Mecca. It's the Arab city where Mohammed was born.

Clarify. Who is Mohammed?

You tinhead. He's the founder of Islam, one of the biggest religions in the world. Stop outside of the city, though. You can't enter if you're not Muslim.

Acknowledged. When do I arrive?

In the Islamic year of 1412.

Isn't that 579 years ago?

No. In Mecca, it's right now.

Now, bad news, Gumshoes. Uh, we didn't get--

Will you knock it off down there?!

Oh, no. That's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)

I'm sick of your noise! He went here. He went there. Look on the South Pacific island of ʻEua. Just west of the International Date Line, for goodness sakes! It's close to Samoa. Now, go get him and stop making such a racket! (shuts her window)

Isn't she a sweetheart?

You'll be singing a different tune when ACME nabs you.

(gasps) Mama Figimasta! What should I do?!

Head for the west-African coast. You can park the Opera House on the Goree Island. You'll love the French restaurants and the beautiful beaches in this town.

It sounds delightful!

Yes, it is. Just be sure to brush up on your Wolof. It's the nation's main indigenous language.

Carmen, you make me crazy! Every day, with the brushing up! What am I?! A criminal or a translator?!

Contessa, darling, you're going to be an inmate if you don't hurry up. Now get moving!

Made it. I've vaulted across the Atlantic to the Garden State.

Listen up. They're on to you. Hotfoot it over to the University and blend in at the game.

Game? What kind of game?

You know, football. When you get there, hide in the ivy.

But I'm not in that league.

Just do what I tell you. Leave the thinking to me.

Aunt Carmen, they're closing in fast. What should I do?

Hide on the world's largest island. Then rent a dog sled. That's how some of the children get to school there.

Sounds cold.

It is. Most of the island is covered by ice a mile thick.

Anything else I should know?

Yes, dear. Brush up on your Danish. The island is a province of Denmark.

(about Scott the Dying Informant, prior to the 2nd round) He's really starting to annoy me.