Greg quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Uh-oh. I think we're-- Think we're getting some cosmic interference here. (tunes up the monitor) Lemme see. It must be our, uh-- Our spirit gumshoe, Crystal.

What's up, Gumshoes? I'm flying first class on the Astral plane. I'm getting vile visions from the brain of the brute. I see 19,000,000 people in one big city. Spanish people. Indian. Mestizos. It used to be the center of the Aztec Empire. Wow! This must be what Eartha's looking for. Azteca Stadium! Oops! My signal's fading. Hasta luego!

See ya, Crystal. Thanks a lot.

I still can't find a stadium big enough to hold my games.

Take the torch to one of my favorite capitals in eastern Europe, home to great writers like Kafka. Great composers like Dvořák. Great--

Uh, Carmen, what about my games?

Ah, yes. Your games. Well, the world's largest open stadium is located there. And while you're at it, try to hire Martina Navratilova. She was born in this city.

Who's she?

The tennis champion. One of the biggest money winners in women's sports. Don't you read the paper?

Only the comics.

I've had enough of this!

Must be our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Punpkinclanger. Hi, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger.

That bruiser has gone to the Highland games on the Isle of Skye. She's tossing about a 15 foot tree trunk called a caber. Now, cease your incessant meandering and go apprehend her.

Thanks. Thanks. Great hair. Love your hair.

Davs.

Good day.

That means "hi".

And "good day".

...In the country where you wanna go.

It's made up of over 400 islands in the North and Baltic Seas.

It's capital is Copenhagen.

I hope you get there on Queen Margrethe's Birthday. When that happens, there's...

No school! All right!

Chief

Now, Gumshoes, I like baseball. (Merengue music is heard) But when I visit this country, it's for the famous Merengue Festival in Santo Domingo.

Chief

Y'know, once I hear those ol' rhythms, your Chief becomes... just a non-stop Merengue machine!

Uh, thanks, Chief. (to the audience) Let's hear it for the Chief!

I didn't know you can move like that! She can move! She can really... move it out!

Vic, those ACME agents have found you. Head to a nation in the Pacific whose name means south.

Hey, Carmen, I'm headin' for the South Pacific?

Brilliant deduction, Vic. It's one of the few countries on earth that's never been ruled by a foreign power. Now, get moving.

Oh, but Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!

Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.

Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser! Well, I'm on my way.

(each time the bat is revealed)

We just have found out that an ACME Celeb-Net agent has an update for us on his next whereabouts. Kathie Lee?

I can't believe it. That creep has turned up in my favorite place. The city where I was born! Imagine. He's probably sliming down the Champs Élysées right now. Or stinking up the Louvre Museum. He might even be sneezing all over someone's cocoa ban-eseems. Yecch. Cops will never be the same. (Says something in French)

Thanks, Kathie.

Carmen, I think those Gumshoes are on to me. Especially that detective in the middle.

You're sounding much better, Top. Listen. Get on your chopper and head for the Pan American Highway. Ride it all the way down to the end.

Yeah, like what's the Pan American Highway?

It's a highway that goes all the way from Canada to the capital of Chile. That's where you're going, Grunge. (Grunge sneezes) Bless you. Now, get going!

Carmen, darling I have two problems. First of all the gumshoes are on to me, second of all I'm freezing!

Take the tods to a British Island in the West Indies. The Dejan people are lovely hosts. You can hide out in the Garrison, where George Washington slept - the only time he ever left America.

Oooh, just my style! Ciao bella!

I'm not your 'bella', I'm your boss.

Now, it would not be PBS if we do not take time for something right now that's very special. And that is...

...Puppets! Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet! Please welcome him.

Chief

It's Handy! Hi, Handy.

Hello! It's nice to see you. How are you?

Chief

Oh, it's good to see you, too. You're so cute.

It's good to be here.

Excuse me. Excuse me, you 2? We could kinda use a clue right here, if you don't mind.

Oh, very sorry. Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Well, it's way up north in North America, but it's warmed by the Japan current. She had a cab take her around the city. It was completely wrecked by an earthquake in 1964, and they rebuilt the place!

Chief

Oh, you are just the cutest thing.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you.

Chief

(laughs) You're welcome.

Uh, Chief? Chief, you know this is just my hand. Right? I have red stuff here...

Chief

Oh, Greg! Oh, you are such a kidder! Handy, he's such a kidder.

It's not real. (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet!

Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Anchorage.

Anchorage.

And you're gonna look for the Contessa and the Fall Fashion. You hafta go there, find 'em, bring 'em back. But I want ya to know, we do not send our agents out into the field. Alone. Right?

Right. Chief, how 'bout a briefing?

(each time the Paris Fall Fashion Collection is revealed (all are spoken instead of sung))

Okay, for our next clue then, Jessica, you may find this one particularly well. We have our next clue coming in from a person who taught M.C. Hammer everything he knows. Take it away, Nana Rap!

(laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!

Robo, those ACME agents have found you. Head for an Asian country that was part of French Indochina.

Please specify. This description fits more than one nation.

Very good, Solderhead. Just testing your memory banks. Go to the city of Vientiane. You'll get there in time for Bun Bang Fai. That's the rocket festival.

Destination acknowledged, but what is the purpose of this festival?

It's a wild celebration to kick off the rainy season, so don't forget your rust proofing. Now, get going.

Chief

Ah. Coins and fountains. You know, that reminds me of a story. Once, there was a little girl whose only wish was to grow up and be a law enforcement official. Now, if she wasn't reading detective books, she was watching detective movies. One day, the girl came across a fountain near City Hall. She closed her eyes, she took out a shiny quarter from her pocket, and she made her wish, and tossed the coin high into the air! Missed the water completely. (audience laughs) Today, she's a carpenter somewhere in Florida. Alright, gumshoes. Robocrook and the Radioscope are in Rome, Italy. Go after 'em!

Robo, those ACME agents are on to you. Head for a large industrial center in Europe.

An industrial center? Thank you, Carmen. Perhaps I can make friends with the machinery.

No social calls, Solderhead. Just hide out. It's a river valley north of Cologne.

Location acknowledged. Permission requested to seek a humanoid chess partner.

You can try, but a traditional hobby there is pigeon racing. Thousands of people do it. There's even a special pigeon hospital in the city of Essen. Now, get moving.

Gumshoes, look, I know we're still hot on the trail of Robocrook and the computer. The thing is, though--

Hot on the trail?! That's poppycock!

It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Be back in a minute. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger) Hey, Ms. P.

You wouldn't know a hot trail if it jumped up and burned you! Robocrook's in the republic of Azerbaijan. Such a famous resort city on the Caspian Sea. It's the birthplace of Kasparov, the world chess champion. Oh, I do love gettys endgame. (laughs) Now, go round Robo! (shuts her window)

Okay. Okay. Huh. Gee, I always thought it was me she loved.

Those Gumshoes are on to you. Take the Forbidden City to Basse Terre. That's a city in the French West Indies.

Well, gee, Carmen, we're not sure just where that is.

It's on twin islands with one name.

Just like us. Cool.

You'll love it, guys. There're lots of resorts, and they even got a Mardi Gras festival.

We're gonna party, party, party!

Just lay low or you'll get busted, busted, busted.

Please be quiet.

It's my upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. Come on. Let's find out. Sorry, Mrs. P.!

I'm baking a souffle. I need absolute quiet, or it will fall. Look for those nasty boys on the hills above the shores of the Ohio river. You'll find the Bengals at Riverfront Stadium. Now, I must get back to my souffle. Shh. (shuts her window)

Thanks a lot, Mrs. P.

(as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?

Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?

Thank you.

You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.

Careful. Don't catch colds.

Need a towel?

Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.

All right. Thank you, anyway.

Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Greg?

Yes? Yes, Chief?

Chief

In my office pronto.

Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?

Chief

(in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!

But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...

Chief

Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaks) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...

Chief

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, but I didn't--

Chief

Stop!

Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!

Huh? All right.

Chief

Greg.

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

Greg, isn't that bribery?

Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.

Chief

Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?

(walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?

YEAH!

Rockapella, are you?

Audience, are you behind me?!

YEAH!!!

Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!

(says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!

You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.

Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!

Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.

Next time, I take a plane!

Zip that incessant chatter down there!

Oh, goody. It's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (laughs as he enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)

I'm sick to death of your tiresome meanderings. Grunge has taken the speedway to the Amalfi Drive. A beautiful and treacherous mountain road. He's headed for a city near there. It's just west of Pompeii. The ancient Roman town that was destroyed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. Now, go find him, and leave me in peace! (she shuts her window)

(waves goodbye) Thank you. Gosh, she's so sweet, isn't she?

Grunger, they're on to you, but I've got a surprise. Take the speedway to some islands where there aren't any roads.

No roads, Carmen? (coughs) Don't the people there drive?

That's my surprise, fumeface. They're uninhabited. So, there's no one you can offend.

No people, Carmen? Where on earth--

I was just getting to that. These British islands are in the South Atlantic at the east end of the Scotia Sea. Just think, piston breath. You'll have that speedway to yourself.

We have a report now from one of our agents in Italy. That's where she was last seen. Mona?

I told you. I am not in Italy anymore. And neither is the Contessa. She's at the festival commemorating Saint Marinus. It's a national holiday of the oldest republic in the world. At least that's what the citizens call it. The Contessa isn't so young either, hey. That's why she didn't get the toolfun from her summer home in Urbino.

Okay, thanks, Mona.

Chief, you there? Chief? The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just sit and wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) Oh, this is nice, huh? This is what it feels like. I like this. Hey! (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo! I like this. (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg. Greg. You're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one that I can count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Lemme show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) The earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out. (audience doubles over in laughter) (the Chief walks in) That's the universe. Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, what're you doing? GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. And I will give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one that does.

Chief, look, uh, I knew you realize I wasn't makin' fun of you; it was more like a tribute, sorta.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Carmen, I think they're on to me! Send me someplace really fabulous!

Sorry, glamour-puss. Take the reef to a beach town in New Jersey.

(gasps) Ah, the one with the casinos!

No, it has no casinos. But it has a famous boardwalk and an old bar called The Stone Pony, where Bruce Springsteen's Band started out.

Carmen, I want glamor! Not an old bar!

Tough, toots. Have some cotton candy for me.

Now, for our next clue we go to ACME Rap-Net. Here's D-Nice.

Check it. It's called the City of Roses; there's a festival in June. And not a lot of skyscrapers; a block away the moon. It was founded by Lovejoy and Pettygrove too. And there you have it. The D-Nice clue for you.

Thanks, D.

I tell ya, on a tough case like this, I always make sure that I check with the founder of ACME Crime-Net. It's the Chief's great-grandmother, Agnes Acme. She always knows what to do.

That's Miss Acme to you, young man. Now quit looking at me, and look for the Contessa in the province of Saskatchewan. She's in a city who's name is a Native American word for "berry". It was founded by anti-alcohol activists, and in my day they were called temperance societies. Now don't ruminate. Get to work!

Thanks, Agnes.

Okay, looks like everybody's made a decision. You know, Canada is a big place and uh, unfortunately we just lost the Contessa's trail there.

As usual.

Why it's that mysterious voice again.

You talk like an actor. Get over here. You'll be right at home where the Contessa is now. She's taking in a play at the Pantages Theater. The Academy Awards were held there for 11 straight years. Earlier she went boating at MacArthur Park.

Uh, well, what else do you know?

I know everything.

Thank you so much.

Oh, and Greg?

Yes.

Go away.

Yes. Thank you so much.

Fjord!

FJORD!

Viking!

VIKING!

"Viking".

Scandanavia!

SCANDANAVIA!

"Scandanavia". Thanks, guys.