Ben Cafferty quotes from Veep

Tom

I dunno what this is about.

Ben

Good point. Dan and Amy; they're being paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill! There, you've been blooded, so, join the circle jerk, grab a dick.

Ben

It's a matter of public record that Dan Egan was fired because of his relation to the data breach. I mean, you could have Googled that.

Mr. Rakes

That's not my question. Was he responsible?

Ben

Well, Washington needed a sacrifice. So we all ran and got out our pitchforks, and we set fire to the Wicker Dan.

Mrs. Brewer

Okay, so why did he deserve to go if he was innocent?

Ben

You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens. I mean, life is chaotic. And it's often unfair. I know it is for me. Dan Egan deserved to go. So, he went.

Mr. Rakes

So Jonah Ryan wasn't sent here to defend the bill to deliberately undermine it?

Ben

No. No. Read my luscious lips: no.

Mr. Rakes

Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach, Mr. Cafferty?

Ben

No.

Mr. Rakes

But you do know who was responsible?

Ben

No.

Mrs Brewer

Can you tell us anything at all about said data breach?

Ben

No.

Mr Rakes

Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer, Mr. Cafferty?

Ben

No... I am not.

Selina

Oh, Gary! I asked a friend to come and be with me tonight.

Gary

How nice!

Selina

Yeah, Karen.

Ben

Fuck!

Tom James

What happens when there's— when there's a tie?

Ben

Everybody goes online to try to find out what happens when we get a tie.

Selina

Where's Tom?

Oh, uh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.

Ben

What?

Selina

The fuck he has!

Amy

Why would you let him do that?

Well you don't work here.

Ben

Neither do you!

Selina

Alright. Fuck all of you, I'm going to the rally.

Kent

Ma'am, that would be unprecedented.

Selina

No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent: a tie is unprecedented! So's becoming the first lady president! So's that jack-off becoming president through the back-door! Okay, the rulebook's been torn up now, AND AMERICA IS WIPING ITS NASTY ASS WITH IT!!!

Selina

Didn't those Founding Fuckers ever hear of an odd number?!

Ben

Two great Greek contributions to society: democracy and getting fucked up the ass.

Selina

I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

Mike

Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China. Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad at keeping secrets. But I'm gonna be a Dad!

Selina

You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. there's no time for some Chinese baby.

Ben

Fortune cookie say you fuck up big time, round eye.

Amy

And every day, you have to do the one thing that O'Brien can't do.

Selina

Yeah, drive sober.

Ben

Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Amy

Be the president!

Ben

There's only one person who I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room, and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

Bill Ericsson

I'm just trying to help the President.

Ben

And she appreciates that, but the US Attorney for the District of Columbia is prepared to indict you. You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Bill Ericsson

Of course.

Ben

I've spoken to the president, and she's willing to consider a full pardon, if you surrender quietly. No media. Just don't want to dominate the news cycle.

Bill Ericsson

Can I just say one thing?

Ben

Yes, goodbye.

Selina

I mean, will you look at Montez? Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?

Ben

She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.

Mike

No breakfast for this guy.

Ben

Who's offering?

Mike

You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.

Ben

What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.

Kent

Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.

Ben

The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.

Selina

Can I really blame another country for something they didn’t do?

Ben

It’s been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.

Ben

I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.

Selina

Please don't have him sign the guest book.

Ben

Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.

Selina

Why would China go through Qatar?

Ben

Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.

Selina

They're into ass play?

Ben

No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

Selina

I'll bet they're into ass play, too.