Ben Cafferty quotes from Veep

Sue

The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.

Selina

Yes.

Sue

You will then acquire the nuclear codes.

Ben

Goodbye, China.

Amy

Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.

Selina

Those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?

Selina

I want you to be my acting chief of staff.

Ben

What?

Selina

Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.

Ben

Don't ask me that.

Selina

But I am asking you that.

Ben

It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year and I didn't even lose any weight from it.

Selina

No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?

Ben

Yeah.

Selina

So guess what? I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning! I need you! [pause] Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ: if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.

Dan

You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?

Ben

[looking around] I never said that.

Dan

Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.

Ben

No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn’t telling you what I told you. [points to Dan] The fuck stops here, Dan.

Selina

Can we say that it was just an error?

Dan

No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.

Ben

Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.

Mike

Isn't this plane amazing?

Ben

Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?

Mike

It's good we won Dixville Notch.

Dan

It's got a population of 12, Mike.

Mike

I know, Dan, but it's famous.

Gary

Our Lord Jesus started with 12.

Ben

Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.

Kent

The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.

Ben

Kent majored in fortune cookies.

Selina

Alright, so we'll "cock-thumb" the joint chiefs. What do you think they're gonna offer?

Ben

I don't know, two, three billion? You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield?

Selina

Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay? Get about ten bucks for that.

Furlong

I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.

Amy

Is this about the submarine jobs?

Furlong

Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!

Kent

Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?

Furlong

It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!

Amy

The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!

Mike

And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!

Furlong

You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!

Ben

Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.

Furlong

Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!

Bill Ericsson

What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?

Ben

Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!

Ben

Did you see the cost of the dinner?

Bill Ericsson

This'll sting us. Make us look decadent and remote.

Ben

Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

Dan

Sir?

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The HIV girl.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.

Ben

Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?

Dan

Yeah.

Ben

Shit!

Dan

Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."

Ben

Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!

Bill Ericsson

Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?

Ben

Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?

Mike

This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Dan

What's our line here? Do we tell the president?

Ben

No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!

Ben

Hey, Dan.

Dan

Thought you resigned.

Ben

I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

Dan

No. No, this is not—this is not real.

Ben

No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan

So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.

Ben

You're not fired...

Dan

Oh, thank fuck for that.

Ben

...because you've just resigned.

Kent

It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.

Dan

No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!

Ben

You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!

Kent

I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.

Bill Ericsson

Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.

Ben

I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that!

Kent

[re: the intruder] I had not anticipated this; this, I had not anticipated.

Ben

Well that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Kent

Ben, Tom James has just said the shooter is a victim too; PTSD.

Ben

Oh, my God! Calamity James! And that's just off the top of my head!

Kent

Well, what do I do?

Ben

Just get him off, you fucking mannequin!