Ben Cafferty quotes from Veep

Kent

[on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?

Ben

Or how to cook a fucking turkey?

Jeff

I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...

Ben

Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!

Jeff

Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.

Kent

Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.

Ben

We have a list of vetted names here.

Jeff

Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.

Kent

Excuse me?

Jeff

You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!

Ben

So who's your choice?

Jeff

You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.

Kent

Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!

Jeff

Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.

Ben

Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.

Jeff

We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.

Ben

So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?

Jeff

[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.

Ben

Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.

Selina

Why not?

Ben

'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.

Kent

AIDS, for example.

Ben

Thanks, Kent's autism.

Selina

What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?

Ben

I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

Selina

Are the Chinese here yet?

Ben

Delayed on the road, ma'am. Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.

Selina

All right, here we go, Alabama. First in the alphabet, last in every other fuckin' thing.

Ben

I believe it's number one in "easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy."

Ben

We're hanging on by a thread, but if everyone votes the way we think they're gonna vote, we'll win.

Selina

Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since "It's okay, it's just the tip."

Gary

You fuckers. How dare you. That magnificent woman was counting on you, and you losers let her down!

Dan

[into his phone] Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back; something amazing is happening.

Gary

All you fucking cared about was your stupid bad selves! [to Kent] Your numbers? Your numbers are garbage! [to Mike, who is discreetly filming Gary's eruption on his phone] Your speeches? Garbage! [to Ben] Oh, and you're supposed to give her advice?! Is that right?! Because all I heard was dumb, stupid, I don't know what the fuck it was!

Ben

Garbage?

Tom James

Gary...

Gary

Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst, in all the ways! [laughs] Oh, I know! I know you make fun of me! And I know that you think that I'm funny, and I'm funny ha-ha-ha! Well at least I cared! I did my job!! I fucking cared!!!

Ben

Well, that just kinda made this whole year worth it.

Dan

Yeah.

Selina

I was so sorry to hear about Uber.

Ben

Bunch of dumbass millennials. Too lazy to learn how to drive drunk.

Kent

In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant table, food, and tie will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.

Ben

Jesus, Kent! He's just gotta go to a laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, little chit chat, couple, three drinks, standard HJ in the cab home, and a year later he's a father. Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?

Jonah

You know, one time I tried hitting on a girl in a laundromat. For someone with broken English, she was real uppity.

Kent

There's your answer.

Ben

Carry on.

Ben

Get up.

Jonah

What?

Kent

Give me that fork.

Jonah

What gives?

Kent

Fundraising laws. No silverware.

Ben

Yeah. If you sit, it's a meal. Which is a gift. Which is a bribe. Which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you!

Jonah

You are going to invite me to dinner at your house, or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And, I want you to make me the paella.

Kent

You play with the paella?

Furlong

Mrs. Furlong is only interested in inviting married couples, and you and your imaginary dragon don't count.

I'm coming too.

Furlong

Whoa, what is this, the fourth horse-face of the apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Ben

Uh, this is Shawnee Tanz, daughter of Sherman Tanz.

Furlong

[suddenly polite] Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated!

Yes, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged.

Jonah

Wait, what? We are?

There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's. Pick it up by six. It's already paid for.

Amy

Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.

Selina

Is everything always ice cream with you?

Amy

Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...

Selina

Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.

Amy

Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Selina

Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.

Amy

You're... you're running again?!

Mike

The band is getting back together again!

Selina

Who cc'd Mike?

Mike

[laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.

Dan

We need champagne!

Ben

No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

Amy

How is this even possible?

Selina

Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.

Amy

And what about Montez?

Ben

She's a Mexican who stole your job.

Selina

She did, in fact, steal my job.

Ben

Her numbers are under agua.

Amy

I can't believe this.

Selina

We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.

Mike

[oblivious] Sweet.

Selina

To Team Meyer.

Team Meyer!

Selina

God, I thought my 50s would be about fuckin’ and suckin’ my way through the Shorenstein Center.

Ben

You and me both, ma'am.

Ben

Tom and Kemi would make a formidable ticket.

Kent

It would reassure people who look like him that the country wouldn’t be ruined by people who look like her.