We're all on the same team here.
Right, team Fuck Up. Yeah, I've got my membership card here, somewhere, I can't find it.
You need to look at the bigger picture!
Oh, I've seen the bigger picture! It show's POTUS lying to the American people! I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis, this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies!
Yeah, and not the good ones. Not Platoon.
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kent?! Seriously, when you pull the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own fricking ass!
BenThat I'd like to see.
Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.
Ben
Because he's a mess, alright. He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.
I took the heat for the spy. Don't I get any credit for that at all?
Ben
Yeah, so now we've got the judiciary committee subpoenaing us senseless, and on top of that, we got a rumour going around that says there's a challenger inside the party.
Ben
I dunno. One of Gaddafi's sons? They're polling better, so thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?
Ah, that's lovely. Is this what it's going to be like for the next two years?
Ben
Oh, my, yes. We are at DEFCON Fuck.
JTJoe Thornhill
[on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
[to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Ben
Got my vote.
Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."
How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."
Ben
Holy fucking Christ. What is that, Ray?
Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.
Ben
Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.
Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. Actual heads.
God, I love this kind of talk; gets me aroused. [beat] Sorry, I meant "roused". [beat] No, did I mean—I meant "aroused"! Aroused.
Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Ben
Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
JJackson
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
[awkward pause]
JJackson
Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...
You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".
CChung
Today, we're here to talk about records. And my record clearly shows that, unlike some of us, I have been tested.
Ben
Here comes the burning tank story, where he saves the one guy, and the rest of us get fucking tortured.
[on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.
Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.
Ben
Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.
Veep · 381 quotes
