Walden quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jenny

Well I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.

Well aren't you sweet? He's single, you know.

Jenny

I know, are you? [Walden hastily gets his mother out of the house and turns to Jenny]

Walden

Really?!

Jenny

Hey, just 'cause you came out of it, doesn't mean I don't want to get into it!

Jenny

It's not that complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse, you pretty much know.

Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

Walden

Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Walden

Can you believe it? We're still together, three years later.

Alan

I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.

Walden

Thank God I showed up.

Walden

You don't have the death certificate, do you?

Alan

No, but I'm sure my mom does.

Walden

How are you gonna get it from her without telling her about the money?

Alan

Uh, remember four years ago, how I told you I'd only be here a few days? I think I can figure it out.

Walden

[looking at audience] I can't wait for this to be over.

Walden

This guy has some serious rage issues.

Has he tried anger management?

Walden

Yeah, but it didn’t work.

Walden

I’m not letting Charlie drive me out of this house. I reward his bad behavior.

Alan

Yeah, that’s only supposed to happen in show business.

Walden

Wow, look at that.

Berta

Someone's having a piano delivered by helicopter.

Alan

That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. He had a baby grand just like that.

Walden

It's coming right this way. You don't think...that it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy, do you?

[after a thought] Nah!

[turning to audience] Winning.